All I want...
To be five again and free.
To dance and play in the rain
without worries of getting sick.
To not be sick.
Not my body.
Not my mind.
To tell the Patron Saint of Lost Causes,
"Jude, I want myself back please."
I would listen if I were him.
My friends...they're time.
Just back to them, please.
The time I've taken and
the happiness I've stolen.
All given back to them.
Dismantle and then repair me.
I want to be helped and saved
and stop.
I want to stop.
I want to look
and listen
and hear
and feel
anything but where
and what
and who
I am now
and
this is.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
This Is a Little More Than Regret
If you knew me
like I knew me
you would know...
My nights, while sleeping, never rest.
I do as well I can, but it's not my best, and
I'm still a little behind the times.
My eyes are blind and I'm reaching out.
I'm screaming and it echoes doubt.
If you could hear
the way I hear...
you'd know each day brings greater fear.
I hear the lies and they stand still
just pushing at my bending will.
And how, last night, I gave in just a bit.
Cause I was lost for a moment.
Cause I wanted to quit.
And the morning awoke me, wondering why...
Why I'd go back to that
and why I'd even try.
So I tried and I tried to say it was a dream
but the proofs just skin deep
and I hear it when I scream.
like I knew me
you would know...
My nights, while sleeping, never rest.
I do as well I can, but it's not my best, and
I'm still a little behind the times.
My eyes are blind and I'm reaching out.
I'm screaming and it echoes doubt.
If you could hear
the way I hear...
you'd know each day brings greater fear.
I hear the lies and they stand still
just pushing at my bending will.
And how, last night, I gave in just a bit.
Cause I was lost for a moment.
Cause I wanted to quit.
And the morning awoke me, wondering why...
Why I'd go back to that
and why I'd even try.
So I tried and I tried to say it was a dream
but the proofs just skin deep
and I hear it when I scream.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Request...
When I stood in the rain
and stared at the city
I said "Bring it on. I can handle it all."
So I let the rain fall.
And flood. And flood
until my feet were stuck and I sunk
in the mud.
Now I know what I should've known
way back then.
I can't do it alone.
I need you again.
Any my brother,
I'm sorry. It was no way to stand.
My sister,
I'm so sorry. I so need your hand.
Pull me out, pull me through,
and hold me there tight.
Because all I want now is to make it alright.
I have cast all my stones off
and thrown them on your shoulders.
Time to step up my act cause
I'm so much older.
I can't do this me. I can't do this to you.
But I still can't figure out
what I have to do.
Or maybe I know and fears holding me down.
It's pinned me in the fault line
crushed by the ground.
It's so cold. Always. So cold in my world.
And the water is rising.
And it isn't surprising
that I'm drowning so fast.
But its surprising that the past
hadn't brought me right here, stranded on my knees.
I'm asking. I'm hoping. I'm begging you...please.
Figure out and remember where I was
in September.
Figure out and know
where I am now. Where I'll go
if I don't have a hand. I can't stand.
I ...can't...stand.
And can't breathe. I can't think. I can't see.
And my minds folding over
inside and now out.
I will admit that it hurts
and I'll admit I have doubt.
But I'm holding on tight to each little thread
of this life I have left. I wont be left for dead.
But my brain wants me gone
and I'm arguing back.
I know I was strong
but that was in the past.
I'm fallen now, darkened,
so tired and lost.
I should've told you but
I didn't know if your heart
would be the cost
to save me.
But I'm asking now please
I am tired and shaking.
Take my heart and save it.
It's yours for the taking.
and stared at the city
I said "Bring it on. I can handle it all."
So I let the rain fall.
And flood. And flood
until my feet were stuck and I sunk
in the mud.
Now I know what I should've known
way back then.
I can't do it alone.
I need you again.
Any my brother,
I'm sorry. It was no way to stand.
My sister,
I'm so sorry. I so need your hand.
Pull me out, pull me through,
and hold me there tight.
Because all I want now is to make it alright.
I have cast all my stones off
and thrown them on your shoulders.
Time to step up my act cause
I'm so much older.
I can't do this me. I can't do this to you.
But I still can't figure out
what I have to do.
Or maybe I know and fears holding me down.
It's pinned me in the fault line
crushed by the ground.
It's so cold. Always. So cold in my world.
And the water is rising.
And it isn't surprising
that I'm drowning so fast.
But its surprising that the past
hadn't brought me right here, stranded on my knees.
I'm asking. I'm hoping. I'm begging you...please.
Figure out and remember where I was
in September.
Figure out and know
where I am now. Where I'll go
if I don't have a hand. I can't stand.
I ...can't...stand.
And can't breathe. I can't think. I can't see.
And my minds folding over
inside and now out.
I will admit that it hurts
and I'll admit I have doubt.
But I'm holding on tight to each little thread
of this life I have left. I wont be left for dead.
But my brain wants me gone
and I'm arguing back.
I know I was strong
but that was in the past.
I'm fallen now, darkened,
so tired and lost.
I should've told you but
I didn't know if your heart
would be the cost
to save me.
But I'm asking now please
I am tired and shaking.
Take my heart and save it.
It's yours for the taking.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Outrage:Loss
I designed my own world once.
Each color, intricately chosen by hand, and so much detail and thought.
I painted the towns with my wonder.
And then the hurricanes came. And you were them.
And you let the towns drown
and all the color dripped from your fingertips.
It should have been obvious you did it
with all the blood on your hands. All the...paint.
And even the children drowned at your mercy.
Can we call it mercy really? Or cruelty.
Maybe I judge too harshly. We're all guilty.
And I'm just another face, losing my mind.
But I was a painter once. Once I was.
But you ripped through that.
I pulled myself underground, bundled tightly for the cold
and it stung my face with discipline.
Told me, "Sit down child and listen, but do not move."
So I stayed under and the world walked atop.
I was not part of the world. You did not drown me
but I was a child.
I am not a child any longer.
But I would still like to be a painter.
And so I lived in the world of snow,
where even the cold was warm inside
and the white, blank atmosphere
was a never ending canvas I painted with my footsteps.
You can't take that away anymore. It's my world.
And you can't take it away
unless you take away my eyes.
Go.
Each color, intricately chosen by hand, and so much detail and thought.
I painted the towns with my wonder.
And then the hurricanes came. And you were them.
And you let the towns drown
and all the color dripped from your fingertips.
It should have been obvious you did it
with all the blood on your hands. All the...paint.
And even the children drowned at your mercy.
Can we call it mercy really? Or cruelty.
Maybe I judge too harshly. We're all guilty.
And I'm just another face, losing my mind.
But I was a painter once. Once I was.
But you ripped through that.
I pulled myself underground, bundled tightly for the cold
and it stung my face with discipline.
Told me, "Sit down child and listen, but do not move."
So I stayed under and the world walked atop.
I was not part of the world. You did not drown me
but I was a child.
I am not a child any longer.
But I would still like to be a painter.
And so I lived in the world of snow,
where even the cold was warm inside
and the white, blank atmosphere
was a never ending canvas I painted with my footsteps.
You can't take that away anymore. It's my world.
And you can't take it away
unless you take away my eyes.
Go.
Blame.
Five seconds,
let me be a mirror
Sounding like I hate myself
but I don't
I am clay, playdough, wood
The worlds sculptor hands
And we handed you the sceptor
but I don't know why.
Can't walk away
Cannot breathe or speak even
I don't feel a thing.
Stop holding back
Unleash each faithful blow
right to the skull.
Right to the stomach
Fill my ears with the poison of
decietful letters.
Fade, fade, fade...and then stop
before we disappear
Give us time to build our paper houses
the fade the color once again
I won't scream anymore.
No...I don't think I will.
Calm. Calm. Asleep
I can only scream while sleeping.
It's no surprise right?
After all,
the sounds only changed
because you let them.
let me be a mirror
Sounding like I hate myself
but I don't
I am clay, playdough, wood
The worlds sculptor hands
And we handed you the sceptor
but I don't know why.
Can't walk away
Cannot breathe or speak even
I don't feel a thing.
Stop holding back
Unleash each faithful blow
right to the skull.
Right to the stomach
Fill my ears with the poison of
decietful letters.
Fade, fade, fade...and then stop
before we disappear
Give us time to build our paper houses
the fade the color once again
I won't scream anymore.
No...I don't think I will.
Calm. Calm. Asleep
I can only scream while sleeping.
It's no surprise right?
After all,
the sounds only changed
because you let them.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
It's Not a Train of Thought, but a Train of Color.
My eyes are alight...
Just like a child, and I'm looking on
in awe and wonder
I really dont know.
I don't know why, honestly.
You can ask me anything.
Say anything
Tell anything
And I just want to
Scream.
Anything.
Why do I wish so bad that you knew?!
Because I know, somewhere,
in that endless heart of yours
you know the colors I'm dreaming up.
Don't you.
Oh boy...where am I going?
There's a streetlight and a dream
and I'm walking.
Tell me, are you going to follow?
Will you know?
Asking too many questions and not
even expecting answers.
No wonder I want my last words to be
simply, "Why not?"
Just like a child, and I'm looking on
in awe and wonder
I really dont know.
I don't know why, honestly.
You can ask me anything.
Say anything
Tell anything
And I just want to
Scream.
Anything.
Why do I wish so bad that you knew?!
Because I know, somewhere,
in that endless heart of yours
you know the colors I'm dreaming up.
Don't you.
Oh boy...where am I going?
There's a streetlight and a dream
and I'm walking.
Tell me, are you going to follow?
Will you know?
Asking too many questions and not
even expecting answers.
No wonder I want my last words to be
simply, "Why not?"
Even I'm a Contradiction
No matter how many days
(and counting...over hundreds)
I insignificantly dismember my emotion
these words still keep me steady.
They keep me steady less
or equal to
your words.
Your words, not in writing,
but still keep me as steady
as need be.
Only days, I know. Only days...
I'd like to say every word
my heart has pressed to my fingers.
But there is so and too much color.
Would that scare you?
Would I scare you?
Or would you let me share my world
with you....
I don't take chances or risks.
Like before, I will say, this is not
a math equation
and I have no answer.
But I'm looking for one.
No book, no letters, no numbers, no lesson
can ever teach me
what it's like to be loved
and what its like to smile.
But one day the world will teach me.
And I apologize
for apologizing for
the fact I feel so so deeply.
But I cannot lie. I will not lie.
I care. Far more than I should let myself.
Do not think about it too hard but
just know...
I have always been able to hold myself up.
And...if the day comes that
you find you might need someone
to help hold you up, well
my door is always open
just like my heart.
(and counting...over hundreds)
I insignificantly dismember my emotion
these words still keep me steady.
They keep me steady less
or equal to
your words.
Your words, not in writing,
but still keep me as steady
as need be.
Only days, I know. Only days...
I'd like to say every word
my heart has pressed to my fingers.
But there is so and too much color.
Would that scare you?
Would I scare you?
Or would you let me share my world
with you....
I don't take chances or risks.
Like before, I will say, this is not
a math equation
and I have no answer.
But I'm looking for one.
No book, no letters, no numbers, no lesson
can ever teach me
what it's like to be loved
and what its like to smile.
But one day the world will teach me.
And I apologize
for apologizing for
the fact I feel so so deeply.
But I cannot lie. I will not lie.
I care. Far more than I should let myself.
Do not think about it too hard but
just know...
I have always been able to hold myself up.
And...if the day comes that
you find you might need someone
to help hold you up, well
my door is always open
just like my heart.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Nobody really wants to know...
I breathed and lived and walked.
I'm walking and living and breathing.
I'm alive and I'm searching
but have found hardly more.
I'm a fake.
I say, fuck this. Fuck everything to do
with contrition and apathy and hate.
I'm a fake.
Where I lied was where I shouldn't have.
Where I should've told the truth was
where they could've saved me.
I'm a fake.
Bleed because I lie because I know
the truth would make them bleed.
Nobody wants to know whats wrong.
Not really. Not even in asking.
I'm a fake.
My beliefs are all straight up. Truth.
I told all of who I am the way I am.
All except the way I feel.
And that makes me so unreal.
I'm a fake.
I'm walking and living and breathing.
I'm alive and I'm searching
but have found hardly more.
I'm a fake.
I say, fuck this. Fuck everything to do
with contrition and apathy and hate.
I'm a fake.
Where I lied was where I shouldn't have.
Where I should've told the truth was
where they could've saved me.
I'm a fake.
Bleed because I lie because I know
the truth would make them bleed.
Nobody wants to know whats wrong.
Not really. Not even in asking.
I'm a fake.
My beliefs are all straight up. Truth.
I told all of who I am the way I am.
All except the way I feel.
And that makes me so unreal.
I'm a fake.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Under one flag.
A penny for my thoughts, eh?...
But do you really want to hear?
So fallen, down into the day.
So cloaked within a fear.
And I wonder with the whirlwind
that left you in the dust;
Do you know where all my worlds have been?
Out in the rain, to rust
Or maybe simply just stormed down upon
I'm never letting go.
But if you are one, and I am none
then will it ever show?
Peace and love and life and loss
were not like math equations
But we stand under this pointless flag
and call ourselves a nation
United on no common cause
but labeled with condition
Can I say I'm saddened at the loss
and stricken with it's contrition?
Or do I even know my own words?
They make no sense when read.
But they made sense to the heart they're from
when once inside my head.
I just want to do all I can do
to end all that I can.
I just want to be an ordinary kid
with an extraordinary plan.
I want to know peace and walk with him,
something I wish they could feel.
I want to love and live
and laugh and share
all that I know
is real.
But do you really want to hear?
So fallen, down into the day.
So cloaked within a fear.
And I wonder with the whirlwind
that left you in the dust;
Do you know where all my worlds have been?
Out in the rain, to rust
Or maybe simply just stormed down upon
I'm never letting go.
But if you are one, and I am none
then will it ever show?
Peace and love and life and loss
were not like math equations
But we stand under this pointless flag
and call ourselves a nation
United on no common cause
but labeled with condition
Can I say I'm saddened at the loss
and stricken with it's contrition?
Or do I even know my own words?
They make no sense when read.
But they made sense to the heart they're from
when once inside my head.
I just want to do all I can do
to end all that I can.
I just want to be an ordinary kid
with an extraordinary plan.
I want to know peace and walk with him,
something I wish they could feel.
I want to love and live
and laugh and share
all that I know
is real.
So, And Too Often.
I pressed the coffee to my lips
full well knowing the aftermath it causes.
But my eyes were tired
My heartbeat slowing,
but hands were on the wheel
I could not slow down.
She looked so fragile last night
lying in my arms, and helpless.
And I cried hoping she would not know.
She knew for a moment
I am so sorry
So, and too sorry for my own good
little sister
Who would think I'd been fighting?
Not just my eyes right now
(Only moments of sleep...only hours)
but my whole being
Jumping out of my skin
Split in half and constantly
changing along a spectrum
I have been fighting and then
I screamed for help until I lost
my breath
Until I fell over
sick and tired, and helpless
She told me "have some self discipline, child"
Well, I do. I do and I try very hard.
But the closet monsters...they forgot to check
I know I lied. I know I was wrong
But I'm screaming for help now
(Okay?)
Who could ever know I was fighting?
I am fighting.
A closet monster
A demon
A feeling of selfishness and many many
sleepless night.
A terror of losing control
to rages, and highs, and insanity
that I cannot control.
Who could ever think to reach out?
To guess that
I am fighting
myself.
But so is she, and her eyes closed in my arms.
(Don't let her feel guilty for me helping her fight too.
I love her as blood, and she
helps me in helping.)
So I shook her in
five minute intervals
to keep her conscious,
holding her tight.
full well knowing the aftermath it causes.
But my eyes were tired
My heartbeat slowing,
but hands were on the wheel
I could not slow down.
She looked so fragile last night
lying in my arms, and helpless.
And I cried hoping she would not know.
She knew for a moment
I am so sorry
So, and too sorry for my own good
little sister
Who would think I'd been fighting?
Not just my eyes right now
(Only moments of sleep...only hours)
but my whole being
Jumping out of my skin
Split in half and constantly
changing along a spectrum
I have been fighting and then
I screamed for help until I lost
my breath
Until I fell over
sick and tired, and helpless
She told me "have some self discipline, child"
Well, I do. I do and I try very hard.
But the closet monsters...they forgot to check
I know I lied. I know I was wrong
But I'm screaming for help now
(Okay?)
Who could ever know I was fighting?
I am fighting.
A closet monster
A demon
A feeling of selfishness and many many
sleepless night.
A terror of losing control
to rages, and highs, and insanity
that I cannot control.
Who could ever think to reach out?
To guess that
I am fighting
myself.
But so is she, and her eyes closed in my arms.
(Don't let her feel guilty for me helping her fight too.
I love her as blood, and she
helps me in helping.)
So I shook her in
five minute intervals
to keep her conscious,
holding her tight.
Friday, November 27, 2009
I'm through accepting limits...
"'Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.'
-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7"
"Well if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost..."
If they are supposed to love me, and they say they do, and I want to believe them, then why can I not? Because love is supposed to be unconditional. And not easily angered....
And if her love and their love is a love based on my actions. Based on if I do what makes them happy or what they want, and is angered when I dont, then how can I force myself to believe in a love like that? Because to my head, it needs to exist. But to my heart it isn't so. It doesn't protect and boasts more than I can handle. So what now? I have so long and so so hard tried to make myself believe that her love and their love was true. Moments like these change it all though.
"Too late for second guessing. Too late to go back to sleep. It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes, and leap. It's time to trying defying gravity..."
I won't second guess this this time. I won't go to sleep convincing myself that I'm the one at fault and have to keep bettering who I am! My instincts are telling me peace is in the other direction. That this life where I am constantly telling myself I'm not doing good enough to make them happy and that it's my fault is not the life my heart wants. So I'll let myself defy gravity this time. I will let myself believe what I never have, and I will let my heart fly where it has never been before. Because it needs to be where it was meant to be.
"And you can't bring me down..."
I won't let them. This is my dream. And it was never too big to believe in.
-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7"
"Well if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost..."
If they are supposed to love me, and they say they do, and I want to believe them, then why can I not? Because love is supposed to be unconditional. And not easily angered....
And if her love and their love is a love based on my actions. Based on if I do what makes them happy or what they want, and is angered when I dont, then how can I force myself to believe in a love like that? Because to my head, it needs to exist. But to my heart it isn't so. It doesn't protect and boasts more than I can handle. So what now? I have so long and so so hard tried to make myself believe that her love and their love was true. Moments like these change it all though.
"Too late for second guessing. Too late to go back to sleep. It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes, and leap. It's time to trying defying gravity..."
I won't second guess this this time. I won't go to sleep convincing myself that I'm the one at fault and have to keep bettering who I am! My instincts are telling me peace is in the other direction. That this life where I am constantly telling myself I'm not doing good enough to make them happy and that it's my fault is not the life my heart wants. So I'll let myself defy gravity this time. I will let myself believe what I never have, and I will let my heart fly where it has never been before. Because it needs to be where it was meant to be.
"And you can't bring me down..."
I won't let them. This is my dream. And it was never too big to believe in.
It's time to trust my instincts...
Something has changed within me.
Something is not the same.
I'm through with playing by
the rules of someone else's game.
Too late for second guessing.
Too late to go back to sleep.
It's time to trust my instincts,
close my eyes,
and leap....
It's time to try defying gravity.
I think I'll try defying gravity.
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity
and you won't bring me down.
I'm through accepting limits
cause someone says they're so.
Some things I cannot change,
but till I try I'll never know.
Too long I've been afraid of
losing love I guess I've lost.
Well if that's love,
it comes at much too high a cost...
I'd sooner buy defying gravity.
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity.
I think I'll try defying gravity.
And you won't bring me down.
I think I'll try defying gravity...
[Yeah, I think I'm going to. It wasn't them that held me back and tied me down all along was it? It was me. And if it was me then I can change it. I CAN CHANGE IT! And they cannot tell me who I am or how I work. They can say what they want, but words are only words. And my words hold so much power. I don't know where I changed. I'm still the same, but my hope is much stronger. My heart is much larger, and I am so much braver. I am through accepting limits. I am through accepting their limits. I am through of being so put down for the way I think and the years I own to. Because my mind works in wonderful ways and I own to so many years more inside my heart than my body gives me credit for. God made me unique, and he gave me more gifts than I know how to handle. But I AM mature. And the more they say I'm not, the less I have been. But I can show them what is real. And although I know I have screamed it and screamed it till I threw up from exhaustion, maybe I should listen to my own words: "We lose all and learn nothing if we forget how to listen." Maybe I should listen too. And maybe I should show them within the silence, not tell them. I am me, and I always will be. And I'm about to defy gravity in the moments I have waited for for so long. So are you coming with me? Because we could defy gravity together. We could show them what the stars look like. And they can't bring us down.]
Something is not the same.
I'm through with playing by
the rules of someone else's game.
Too late for second guessing.
Too late to go back to sleep.
It's time to trust my instincts,
close my eyes,
and leap....
It's time to try defying gravity.
I think I'll try defying gravity.
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity
and you won't bring me down.
I'm through accepting limits
cause someone says they're so.
Some things I cannot change,
but till I try I'll never know.
Too long I've been afraid of
losing love I guess I've lost.
Well if that's love,
it comes at much too high a cost...
I'd sooner buy defying gravity.
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity.
I think I'll try defying gravity.
And you won't bring me down.
I think I'll try defying gravity...
[Yeah, I think I'm going to. It wasn't them that held me back and tied me down all along was it? It was me. And if it was me then I can change it. I CAN CHANGE IT! And they cannot tell me who I am or how I work. They can say what they want, but words are only words. And my words hold so much power. I don't know where I changed. I'm still the same, but my hope is much stronger. My heart is much larger, and I am so much braver. I am through accepting limits. I am through accepting their limits. I am through of being so put down for the way I think and the years I own to. Because my mind works in wonderful ways and I own to so many years more inside my heart than my body gives me credit for. God made me unique, and he gave me more gifts than I know how to handle. But I AM mature. And the more they say I'm not, the less I have been. But I can show them what is real. And although I know I have screamed it and screamed it till I threw up from exhaustion, maybe I should listen to my own words: "We lose all and learn nothing if we forget how to listen." Maybe I should listen too. And maybe I should show them within the silence, not tell them. I am me, and I always will be. And I'm about to defy gravity in the moments I have waited for for so long. So are you coming with me? Because we could defy gravity together. We could show them what the stars look like. And they can't bring us down.]
Saturday, November 21, 2009
We wish sometimes in thought, randomly.
It was like a letter...
I wrote it, in black and white...but why?
WHY?
I keep asking myself and you'd think that myself
would answer myself.
But no. And not. And never.
I wasn't meant for this
or for them.
But for higher purposes
and ellusive dreams.
I said once nothings as it seems.
Was I right?
Can you answer my questions instead?
Because obviously the answers aren't in my own head.
I'm tired, okay?
Although I will still listen.
And I will still hold up your world. Let it glisten.
But mines turning black again.
Read in September.
You'll see where I was.
If you think, you'll remember.
And though I'm not really there yet
I know where I'm heading.
And I dread it more than anything.
Please, don't let it get in.
Not again. Not ever.
I'm still here holding on.
Too afraid to ask or fall
because I have your heart.
So I won't. I'll keep standing.
But I'm tired and exhausted.
I need you
for one day
to come back and hold my heart
like you used to.
Please,
before you disappeared.
I wrote it, in black and white...but why?
WHY?
I keep asking myself and you'd think that myself
would answer myself.
But no. And not. And never.
I wasn't meant for this
or for them.
But for higher purposes
and ellusive dreams.
I said once nothings as it seems.
Was I right?
Can you answer my questions instead?
Because obviously the answers aren't in my own head.
I'm tired, okay?
Although I will still listen.
And I will still hold up your world. Let it glisten.
But mines turning black again.
Read in September.
You'll see where I was.
If you think, you'll remember.
And though I'm not really there yet
I know where I'm heading.
And I dread it more than anything.
Please, don't let it get in.
Not again. Not ever.
I'm still here holding on.
Too afraid to ask or fall
because I have your heart.
So I won't. I'll keep standing.
But I'm tired and exhausted.
I need you
for one day
to come back and hold my heart
like you used to.
Please,
before you disappeared.
I wonder...
Did you know that I wish I knew?
Every thought and word and feeling...
You can hear much farther than I can, and sometimes
I wonder what would happen
if I could too.
Maybe,
maybe I could stop all that is wrong.
Or maybe...
I'd destroy everything that held together.
Part of me wishes I knew.
So so much.
But part of me
will never want to take that chance
if it'll risk hurting you.
Every thought and word and feeling...
You can hear much farther than I can, and sometimes
I wonder what would happen
if I could too.
Maybe,
maybe I could stop all that is wrong.
Or maybe...
I'd destroy everything that held together.
Part of me wishes I knew.
So so much.
But part of me
will never want to take that chance
if it'll risk hurting you.
The Final Divide, and Goodbye.
Was it you that built up this last great divide?
Or was it them?
Or maybe...was it I?
The words I'd wish you hear
you will not and will never.
I can see the last sentence
although you claimed forever.
But surely, I'd like to know
where the road here is going.
I'm lost here and stumbling
and its cold. But not snowing.
Is this now the last fell swoop of the axe
that cut out your heart
and cut into my back?
Or will we stand up maybe
just one more time.
One more trek for good measure.
One more word
One more rhyme
But why waste it with measure
when I know it must close?
Surely you must understand
since you're sure that you know.
And if you were trying to tear down
the trees in the wood
then you accomplished your mission.
But it wasn't for good.
You destroyed half a city
with your angry ambission.
I hope that you're happy
on your angry volition.
Can't say I won't be worried.
Or love still. Or care.
Or lie awake wondering if
my little brothers still there.
But the sunset still comes and I knew someday too
this would also come. But I wished, not with you.
Because I do not want this.
I do not want an ending.
But I cannot keep listening to the blatant pretending.
I am sorry more than these words
can ever let you know.
I am sorry. And I'm broken.
But you're the one
who let go.
Or was it them?
Or maybe...was it I?
The words I'd wish you hear
you will not and will never.
I can see the last sentence
although you claimed forever.
But surely, I'd like to know
where the road here is going.
I'm lost here and stumbling
and its cold. But not snowing.
Is this now the last fell swoop of the axe
that cut out your heart
and cut into my back?
Or will we stand up maybe
just one more time.
One more trek for good measure.
One more word
One more rhyme
But why waste it with measure
when I know it must close?
Surely you must understand
since you're sure that you know.
And if you were trying to tear down
the trees in the wood
then you accomplished your mission.
But it wasn't for good.
You destroyed half a city
with your angry ambission.
I hope that you're happy
on your angry volition.
Can't say I won't be worried.
Or love still. Or care.
Or lie awake wondering if
my little brothers still there.
But the sunset still comes and I knew someday too
this would also come. But I wished, not with you.
Because I do not want this.
I do not want an ending.
But I cannot keep listening to the blatant pretending.
I am sorry more than these words
can ever let you know.
I am sorry. And I'm broken.
But you're the one
who let go.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Did we really think we could?
I think its kinda funny. But
its really sort of sad.
The way I let the strangers carry
all I know is bad.
Dim lit streets become the home there
when we can't find where to go.
I was living with a ghost, a threat,
and it's still all I know.
The noise grows ever violent
and my mind fogs up with rage.
But still I stand, so silent,
letting motions turn the page.
And I will not fight. I cannot fight.
But he's still fighting with his might.
We used to know just what that's like.
But no more do we see a reason.
We'll pity though, he's failing cause.
His heart will crush within the season.
We know because we once were there.
And we tried so hard to look around
to find the hand we thought could save.
But our faces ended up to the ground.
And now it's colder than the snow
the way we try to learn and grow.
Held back and away from fate and light
to see a faulty, man made night.
There was no theif. It was not I.
They built you up upon a lie.
I cannot save him, nor save me.
But maybe what was meant to be
was us. Alone. Walking with danger.
Putting our hearts on the shoulders
of passing strangers.
its really sort of sad.
The way I let the strangers carry
all I know is bad.
Dim lit streets become the home there
when we can't find where to go.
I was living with a ghost, a threat,
and it's still all I know.
The noise grows ever violent
and my mind fogs up with rage.
But still I stand, so silent,
letting motions turn the page.
And I will not fight. I cannot fight.
But he's still fighting with his might.
We used to know just what that's like.
But no more do we see a reason.
We'll pity though, he's failing cause.
His heart will crush within the season.
We know because we once were there.
And we tried so hard to look around
to find the hand we thought could save.
But our faces ended up to the ground.
And now it's colder than the snow
the way we try to learn and grow.
Held back and away from fate and light
to see a faulty, man made night.
There was no theif. It was not I.
They built you up upon a lie.
I cannot save him, nor save me.
But maybe what was meant to be
was us. Alone. Walking with danger.
Putting our hearts on the shoulders
of passing strangers.
Well, The Words Are Hidden Now.
The key thats shut my words away
Lost in blue, but not in day
and never to be found again.
Person to person, friend to friend
But mine...alone. Homeless
but not yet brainless, I think.
Remove every bit of blue from my mind.
They said, I try. I do and all
is vanishing in a blurr.
A blurr of color, or lack there of.
Inevitably unstill.
I live with ghosts and I live with danger.
And nobody will see
Nobody will hear or read
the warning words.
The storm is coming.
It whispers and sends chills up my spine.
Where are you?
And where am I?
And how can it be
that nobody can see inside anymore?
The mirrors have been taken down
so the soul has no reflection.
No sign or hint of existance
so it fades.
Into my nights, my shades of blue and gray,
and gone.
Lost in blue, but not in day
and never to be found again.
Person to person, friend to friend
But mine...alone. Homeless
but not yet brainless, I think.
Remove every bit of blue from my mind.
They said, I try. I do and all
is vanishing in a blurr.
A blurr of color, or lack there of.
Inevitably unstill.
I live with ghosts and I live with danger.
And nobody will see
Nobody will hear or read
the warning words.
The storm is coming.
It whispers and sends chills up my spine.
Where are you?
And where am I?
And how can it be
that nobody can see inside anymore?
The mirrors have been taken down
so the soul has no reflection.
No sign or hint of existance
so it fades.
Into my nights, my shades of blue and gray,
and gone.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
So, And Finally, Learned.
I'll speak of being...
silent and still.
Something my will knows not of
but is learning.
Do you....can you know?
All the implications I have lifted
and allowed myself to open and learned.
So much....so often.
Every day now.
My prayers keep marking the hours
with a faith I'd long since thought
might vanish.
Oh, how it astonishes me
that I could find such a star as this.
The lessons I'd forgotten
or never could learn
are all so easy now. So real.
Maybe the fault was not my own
but the teachers I'd chosen.
When really I cannot be taught
by anyone, lest
they're being taught by the greatest teacher of all.
Faith, blinding almost, but in the greatest way.
And if you don't believe you've taught me anything,
just know
you need no more proof than knowing
that my faith has been built
restored, and strengthened.
And everything else will follow.
silent and still.
Something my will knows not of
but is learning.
Do you....can you know?
All the implications I have lifted
and allowed myself to open and learned.
So much....so often.
Every day now.
My prayers keep marking the hours
with a faith I'd long since thought
might vanish.
Oh, how it astonishes me
that I could find such a star as this.
The lessons I'd forgotten
or never could learn
are all so easy now. So real.
Maybe the fault was not my own
but the teachers I'd chosen.
When really I cannot be taught
by anyone, lest
they're being taught by the greatest teacher of all.
Faith, blinding almost, but in the greatest way.
And if you don't believe you've taught me anything,
just know
you need no more proof than knowing
that my faith has been built
restored, and strengthened.
And everything else will follow.
An Open Door
You know, someday-and it'll come-
when whats behind the frozen door
becomes unfroze by light of life
and lays there, newly on the floor.
I've always been of just such pace
that my door never was to lock;
Just swung wide open in its place
to turn inside, or turn to mock.
The wind flies in. The winter too.
As I, unhinged, remain awake
and leave my door wide open still.
All for your close-heard footsteps sake.
I know not where to find a key.
But key's get lost. And maybe then
the only way left to unlock
is by the light of an open friend.
We sigh and question where to start.
But I'll be real here, in the end.
My door is open; like my heart.
So yours can open up and mend.
when whats behind the frozen door
becomes unfroze by light of life
and lays there, newly on the floor.
I've always been of just such pace
that my door never was to lock;
Just swung wide open in its place
to turn inside, or turn to mock.
The wind flies in. The winter too.
As I, unhinged, remain awake
and leave my door wide open still.
All for your close-heard footsteps sake.
I know not where to find a key.
But key's get lost. And maybe then
the only way left to unlock
is by the light of an open friend.
We sigh and question where to start.
But I'll be real here, in the end.
My door is open; like my heart.
So yours can open up and mend.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
This Is What We Are.
I have no more words tonight.
What once existed as color in print
now exists in black and white.
And, you'd find it dull.
But I know the truth.
The entire story of stolen youth.
Of fighting and loving, and learning to stand.
Of being alone when you needed a hand.
Of helping and healing, but holding things back.
Of giving all you've got, when there's things you still lack.
Of wondering and wishing for things that aren't real.
Of times when the world has forced you to steal.
Of the smiles you faked till they became true.
Of the days when you question if you even knew you.
Of running so far, losing all of your breath.
Of giving and saving till you have nothing left.
And when everythings gone,
nothings left in between.
We've done all that we could
and know all that we've seen.
Well we'll still keep on running
till we're long out of breath.
Yeah, we'll still be giving and saving
till we've got nothing left.
What once existed as color in print
now exists in black and white.
And, you'd find it dull.
But I know the truth.
The entire story of stolen youth.
Of fighting and loving, and learning to stand.
Of being alone when you needed a hand.
Of helping and healing, but holding things back.
Of giving all you've got, when there's things you still lack.
Of wondering and wishing for things that aren't real.
Of times when the world has forced you to steal.
Of the smiles you faked till they became true.
Of the days when you question if you even knew you.
Of running so far, losing all of your breath.
Of giving and saving till you have nothing left.
And when everythings gone,
nothings left in between.
We've done all that we could
and know all that we've seen.
Well we'll still keep on running
till we're long out of breath.
Yeah, we'll still be giving and saving
till we've got nothing left.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
We Are Saved. =]
We'll stop and read,
then speak and listen.
Our eyes alight with words and memories.
We don't want to remember.
But we don't want to forget.
So we share.
But only to the people that care.
Friend to friend,
where we know love exists.
We are here, and alive.
We're more than just moments.
You put color in my heart
and I'll put smiles on your face.
We were destined for that.
We have worth
and we have hope.
You know, you walked right in
and the most opportune moment.
You saved me.
And you know that.
If my words coulds smile, they'd shine.
Cause we know now
that we are alive
and are smiling
and we are saved.
then speak and listen.
Our eyes alight with words and memories.
We don't want to remember.
But we don't want to forget.
So we share.
But only to the people that care.
Friend to friend,
where we know love exists.
We are here, and alive.
We're more than just moments.
You put color in my heart
and I'll put smiles on your face.
We were destined for that.
We have worth
and we have hope.
You know, you walked right in
and the most opportune moment.
You saved me.
And you know that.
If my words coulds smile, they'd shine.
Cause we know now
that we are alive
and are smiling
and we are saved.
We Painted Our Technicolor Dreams
Are you standing where I was?
All the days whispered back, just "love."
We lived in technicolor phases.
Draining our hearts, then filling them back in.
Sending our dreams back into the ocean.
Where are you, my colorless friend?
Can I fill your heart with the colors I'm dreaming?
Cause nothing is as it's always seemed.
It keeps changing colors with the way we spin.
Open up your chest, and let the hurricane in.
And the tiny painters will paint your heart.
It's not the end, but here, it's a start.
All the collectors run in, trying to collect your head.
Analyze the words you've written and
ignoring things you've said.
We'll swim away to the west coast
and catch your dreams back from the shore.
You're gonna rely on them, anymore.
We try to steal the stars from where they sit in the sky.
But we cannot reach, and why cry out why.
But the colorless waves are screaming "come here."
Cause we left our dreams on their shores
when we picked up our fear.
Lets go steal them back, carefully.
I'll use mine to pain the sky alive.
And stitch yours back inside your heart.
My colors just for yours to thrive.
The technicolor dreams I'll share
we'll meet yours where they're beginning to shine.
I'll follow you almost anywhere.
These dreams are for you now.
They're not mine.
All the days whispered back, just "love."
We lived in technicolor phases.
Draining our hearts, then filling them back in.
Sending our dreams back into the ocean.
Where are you, my colorless friend?
Can I fill your heart with the colors I'm dreaming?
Cause nothing is as it's always seemed.
It keeps changing colors with the way we spin.
Open up your chest, and let the hurricane in.
And the tiny painters will paint your heart.
It's not the end, but here, it's a start.
All the collectors run in, trying to collect your head.
Analyze the words you've written and
ignoring things you've said.
We'll swim away to the west coast
and catch your dreams back from the shore.
You're gonna rely on them, anymore.
We try to steal the stars from where they sit in the sky.
But we cannot reach, and why cry out why.
But the colorless waves are screaming "come here."
Cause we left our dreams on their shores
when we picked up our fear.
Lets go steal them back, carefully.
I'll use mine to pain the sky alive.
And stitch yours back inside your heart.
My colors just for yours to thrive.
The technicolor dreams I'll share
we'll meet yours where they're beginning to shine.
I'll follow you almost anywhere.
These dreams are for you now.
They're not mine.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
And We Face the Moments
That. Is. Enough.
Why aren't we screaming?!
My lungs are past filled with poisoned air.
Silenced and still, but so very unsteady.
I'll collapse at your feet.
Don't you dare.
I'm not ready.
All the days and the moments
are just coming in time.
The future, in color,
isn't just a dream
like it seems to us now.
You said you had a fear
twenty times the size of mine.
But if you looked in my eyes,
in retrospect, you'd see
theres a hurricane inside me.
I've got no shelter to hide.
I've been tossed around, face to the ground.
And you picked me up
but kicked my back.
And I was speechless.
But I was grateful.
Though so much hate
never seemed an option.
If you go there, I will be done for sure.
All this weight just gets so heavy
and I'll collapse at your feet.
Don't you dare.
I'm not ready.
Why aren't we screaming?!
My lungs are past filled with poisoned air.
Silenced and still, but so very unsteady.
I'll collapse at your feet.
Don't you dare.
I'm not ready.
All the days and the moments
are just coming in time.
The future, in color,
isn't just a dream
like it seems to us now.
You said you had a fear
twenty times the size of mine.
But if you looked in my eyes,
in retrospect, you'd see
theres a hurricane inside me.
I've got no shelter to hide.
I've been tossed around, face to the ground.
And you picked me up
but kicked my back.
And I was speechless.
But I was grateful.
Though so much hate
never seemed an option.
If you go there, I will be done for sure.
All this weight just gets so heavy
and I'll collapse at your feet.
Don't you dare.
I'm not ready.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Aftermath
Have you ever felt the aftermath?
I don't think so.
Not like I have, at least.
To feel it all, not spinning,
but crashing.
Getting back up and wondering how
you did it.
I had a world
and now it's been stolen.
Well, its really just not mine.
Was it ever?
I'm not sure.
But the skies a little darker
and I'm waiting for the rain.
Cause it's coming again, and I know it.
But this time I'll face it.
Let it fall.
I can handle this.
I don't think so.
Not like I have, at least.
To feel it all, not spinning,
but crashing.
Getting back up and wondering how
you did it.
I had a world
and now it's been stolen.
Well, its really just not mine.
Was it ever?
I'm not sure.
But the skies a little darker
and I'm waiting for the rain.
Cause it's coming again, and I know it.
But this time I'll face it.
Let it fall.
I can handle this.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
So?
You won't even read it.
You won't even want to.
Want to guess even.
You won't even know.
But I do.
And you will...
soon.
Days...
Hours...
Worlds will fall.
And you'll know where they went.
Down.
And you'll understand.
The why.
The how.
And the gone.
You won't even want to.
Want to guess even.
You won't even know.
But I do.
And you will...
soon.
Days...
Hours...
Worlds will fall.
And you'll know where they went.
Down.
And you'll understand.
The why.
The how.
And the gone.
The Becoming- We're Already Dead
We didn't chose to live.
We didn't wanna live alone.
We're already dead.
We didn't wanna live alone.
We're already dead.
We Close Our Eyes by The Becoming/ Last Days Sunset
I chose the tree-covered path
Just like him. Just like you did before.
So you couldnt see me leaving
But you would've just left me on the floor.
Once we both lived the same past
And my heart was in time with your breathing.
But you couldnt hear me screaming
So now you'll be watching me leaving.
We close our eyes
Long enough for the colors to fade.
To sever the truth from the lies
None of them were lies that I'd made.
We were wrong, too far gone
I won't make promises I'm gonna break.
To see theres dark after the light
You can feel all that I've had to take.
We close our eyes
I painted a picture for you
Somehow all of the colors are gone.
Of who you wanted me to be
You haven't known me now for too long.
The outline was dark and bold
With a sunset fit for the last day.
But the colors had gone completely
I'm done. You can carry them away.
Monday, September 7, 2009
If I Was Your Ghost
I don't know why I let it rain.
If I was a ghost, as good as gone,
I could hover next to your soul each day
to make sure it's always okay
and nothing's gone wrong.
I can't do that.
But just know
you have my heart and it won't go.
You've got a room inside my soul.
You've got my compassion
in your hands,
like clay.
They do what they want.
But you've never hurt nothing.
And if you try to stand
I'll stay close to your hands
and help you balance things right.
Stay up all day and night.
Our words can do wonders.
I know that you know.
But if I was a ghost, beside you
I'd never let you go.
If I was a ghost, as good as gone,
I could hover next to your soul each day
to make sure it's always okay
and nothing's gone wrong.
I can't do that.
But just know
you have my heart and it won't go.
You've got a room inside my soul.
You've got my compassion
in your hands,
like clay.
They do what they want.
But you've never hurt nothing.
And if you try to stand
I'll stay close to your hands
and help you balance things right.
Stay up all day and night.
Our words can do wonders.
I know that you know.
But if I was a ghost, beside you
I'd never let you go.
For The Other Fox
Once upon a time, I suppose...
There was a fox that was friends with a wolf. They were the best of friens, although people didn't understand their friendship. The fox knew, after many years, how to handle the wolf's ups and downs.
One day the wolf came to his fox friend and said he'd had his eye on another fox. His fox friend said that was okay, just to be careful. Not all the foxes understood him. The wolf nodded and went off to charm the other new fox.
After a while the other fox and the wolf became very good companions. They seemed good together, great even. But the fox friend always thought to herself, "It'll be the new fox that gets hurt if this goes bad. Not the wolf." And all the other foxes agreed.
Time passed, and the old and new fox friends became best friends. They had a lot in common, being foxes of the same kind and all. They quickly bonded, and all three became friends together. But the wolf had been wandering again.
Don't get it wrong, the old fox loved her wolf friend. But he had a habit of wandering, and as she feared, he found another wolf.
Now the new wolf and him didn't even have much in common really. He just thought it'd be nice to be with another wolf for a bit. But little did he know what it'd turn out.
One day the new fox caught it's wolf friend with the other wolf. Hurt and angry, he ran away, not knowing what to think. The wolf tried to apologize, but the fox wouldn't hear it. They were companions no longer.
The old and new fox friends stayed friends though, and spent many long nights together sharing their stories and watching out for eachother.
"I really do miss him..." The new fox friend said one night. The old fox friend looked down sadly. She wished she could do something to help. She could see her friends heart breaking. Her friend had been through so much. So she came up with a plan to help.
The next day the old fox showed up to where the new fox lived just after dark.
"I have something for you," she said, smiling.
The new fox looked up, sadly and skeptically. What could she really have that could cheer him up?
The new fox took the box his friend offered and opened it up. The moment he did, he gasped. It was a heart, beating and bright, new and unscarred.
The new fox looked up in wonder and saw a tiny scar across his friends chest and gasped.
"This....this is your heart though!" He exclaimed, slightly shocked.
The old fox sat down next to her friend.
"I know," she said calmly. "But yours was broken. I thought you needed it a lot more than I did."
A tear ran down both the foxes faces, as they exchanged meaningful glances.
This, they both knew, was real friendship.
"I'll always be here for you." The old fox said.
And her friend knew she meant every word of it.
There was a fox that was friends with a wolf. They were the best of friens, although people didn't understand their friendship. The fox knew, after many years, how to handle the wolf's ups and downs.
One day the wolf came to his fox friend and said he'd had his eye on another fox. His fox friend said that was okay, just to be careful. Not all the foxes understood him. The wolf nodded and went off to charm the other new fox.
After a while the other fox and the wolf became very good companions. They seemed good together, great even. But the fox friend always thought to herself, "It'll be the new fox that gets hurt if this goes bad. Not the wolf." And all the other foxes agreed.
Time passed, and the old and new fox friends became best friends. They had a lot in common, being foxes of the same kind and all. They quickly bonded, and all three became friends together. But the wolf had been wandering again.
Don't get it wrong, the old fox loved her wolf friend. But he had a habit of wandering, and as she feared, he found another wolf.
Now the new wolf and him didn't even have much in common really. He just thought it'd be nice to be with another wolf for a bit. But little did he know what it'd turn out.
One day the new fox caught it's wolf friend with the other wolf. Hurt and angry, he ran away, not knowing what to think. The wolf tried to apologize, but the fox wouldn't hear it. They were companions no longer.
The old and new fox friends stayed friends though, and spent many long nights together sharing their stories and watching out for eachother.
"I really do miss him..." The new fox friend said one night. The old fox friend looked down sadly. She wished she could do something to help. She could see her friends heart breaking. Her friend had been through so much. So she came up with a plan to help.
The next day the old fox showed up to where the new fox lived just after dark.
"I have something for you," she said, smiling.
The new fox looked up, sadly and skeptically. What could she really have that could cheer him up?
The new fox took the box his friend offered and opened it up. The moment he did, he gasped. It was a heart, beating and bright, new and unscarred.
The new fox looked up in wonder and saw a tiny scar across his friends chest and gasped.
"This....this is your heart though!" He exclaimed, slightly shocked.
The old fox sat down next to her friend.
"I know," she said calmly. "But yours was broken. I thought you needed it a lot more than I did."
A tear ran down both the foxes faces, as they exchanged meaningful glances.
This, they both knew, was real friendship.
"I'll always be here for you." The old fox said.
And her friend knew she meant every word of it.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Worlds
Where do you build your worlds?
Upon dusty shelves,
undignified and wasted...
Mine in light of the day,
shrouded in the rain.
Were we friends or enemies
in the former times?
We walked and talked
while the dust was kicked up.
You, making more sense in theory.
I, making more sense in no time.
We were rhythmic, you know?
Fitting like puzzle pieces or melodies.
I only asked to see you smile.
But love is love and loss is loss.
One day you might turn around.
But it's obvious, not today.
My worlds were made
of paper.
Upon dusty shelves,
undignified and wasted...
Mine in light of the day,
shrouded in the rain.
Were we friends or enemies
in the former times?
We walked and talked
while the dust was kicked up.
You, making more sense in theory.
I, making more sense in no time.
We were rhythmic, you know?
Fitting like puzzle pieces or melodies.
I only asked to see you smile.
But love is love and loss is loss.
One day you might turn around.
But it's obvious, not today.
My worlds were made
of paper.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Starlight and Darkness
Today is not quite what it could've been.
Starlight in my eyes
It's no surprise it's not mine.
It's no surprise it never will be.
Every sunrise
and every comet
all shine at their own time.
Bright or blind.
Nobody's gonna see mine.
The gunman shoots up storms of dust.
He's so much braver than all of us.
The dancer dances with more grace.
We follow them, they set the pace.
My rocketship will fly away.
But today is really not the day
for chasing light.
It isn't mine.
But if theirs are bright
then I'll be blind.
Let the sky turn dark and blue.
I'm good at being close to you.
I'm good at words
but then again
nobody reads them in the end.
The starlights always
just ahead
but too far gone.
My lights gone dead.
Starlight in my eyes
It's no surprise it's not mine.
It's no surprise it never will be.
Every sunrise
and every comet
all shine at their own time.
Bright or blind.
Nobody's gonna see mine.
The gunman shoots up storms of dust.
He's so much braver than all of us.
The dancer dances with more grace.
We follow them, they set the pace.
My rocketship will fly away.
But today is really not the day
for chasing light.
It isn't mine.
But if theirs are bright
then I'll be blind.
Let the sky turn dark and blue.
I'm good at being close to you.
I'm good at words
but then again
nobody reads them in the end.
The starlights always
just ahead
but too far gone.
My lights gone dead.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Hiding
There was no threat.
Nothing to be heard.
We made no sound and spoke no words.
And their mouths exhaled
the meanest things
in purple, violent, angry rings.
They choked me silent, I won't fight.
Just hide away into the night.
Day after day, so discontented.
This isn't the way I ever meant it.
Not my fault, it's really not.
But this is where I'm at
and what I've got.
When you can't leave, what do you do?
Find a way to make it through.
But if I can't, well that's okay.
I'll hide right here
from night
to day.
Nothing to be heard.
We made no sound and spoke no words.
And their mouths exhaled
the meanest things
in purple, violent, angry rings.
They choked me silent, I won't fight.
Just hide away into the night.
Day after day, so discontented.
This isn't the way I ever meant it.
Not my fault, it's really not.
But this is where I'm at
and what I've got.
When you can't leave, what do you do?
Find a way to make it through.
But if I can't, well that's okay.
I'll hide right here
from night
to day.
Somtimes, We Think Too.
If she's all alone the way she feels,
she hasn't let you know what's real.
And you wont guess by standing there
and staring.
The farther you move
the deeper she hurts.
She'll stand by you staring
until it gets past worse.
New life is a dream,
and a privlege to her.
Where were you when she needed?
Starry eyes, you ran away.
Cloudy eyed, you can't see
where she's at any day.
Sometimes she wishes she could scream
just to see if you hear.
And you'd know all her losses
through worry and fear.
The times not right,
and all her light
is gone. But yours is there.
Are you going to share it?
She doesn't think you will.
She's starting to think that
no matter how deep she sinks in
you wont notice until
she can no longer breathe.
And she's thinking she's right.
I'm thinking she's right.
I'm thinking I'm right...
But what's on your mind?
she hasn't let you know what's real.
And you wont guess by standing there
and staring.
The farther you move
the deeper she hurts.
She'll stand by you staring
until it gets past worse.
New life is a dream,
and a privlege to her.
Where were you when she needed?
Starry eyes, you ran away.
Cloudy eyed, you can't see
where she's at any day.
Sometimes she wishes she could scream
just to see if you hear.
And you'd know all her losses
through worry and fear.
The times not right,
and all her light
is gone. But yours is there.
Are you going to share it?
She doesn't think you will.
She's starting to think that
no matter how deep she sinks in
you wont notice until
she can no longer breathe.
And she's thinking she's right.
I'm thinking she's right.
I'm thinking I'm right...
But what's on your mind?
Monday, August 24, 2009
It's funny, but...
where the hell did I think I was going?
I mean...who could even last there?
We all know where we stood before
anything.
In the beginning all I had was me
and that's all I still have.
One day maybe the strangers will finally
stop and carry me.
But who am I kidding?
Suck it up kid.
The world's not falling like we thought it was.
No, it never has and never will be.
But what will be is your heart.
Wherever it is now, it's still being. Right?
So go find it and take it back.
If it was really so broken
then, well...you wouldn't be here.
But you are.
So suck it up.
And live.
I mean...who could even last there?
We all know where we stood before
anything.
In the beginning all I had was me
and that's all I still have.
One day maybe the strangers will finally
stop and carry me.
But who am I kidding?
Suck it up kid.
The world's not falling like we thought it was.
No, it never has and never will be.
But what will be is your heart.
Wherever it is now, it's still being. Right?
So go find it and take it back.
If it was really so broken
then, well...you wouldn't be here.
But you are.
So suck it up.
And live.
Oh, Well.
If I was an activist...maybe things would be different.
Maybe I'd remember what its like to yell.
Those days we rioted like he does
until the night burned down and the stars came out.
It wasn't worth it, I know.
But at least we had a cause.
Now I guess
my causes are lost.
But what can ya do?
We're all spinning in circles, and we can't stop it.
Guess we just have to keep on blinking
like I do
and keep on walking
like I have.
Maybe I'd remember what its like to yell.
Those days we rioted like he does
until the night burned down and the stars came out.
It wasn't worth it, I know.
But at least we had a cause.
Now I guess
my causes are lost.
But what can ya do?
We're all spinning in circles, and we can't stop it.
Guess we just have to keep on blinking
like I do
and keep on walking
like I have.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
How you know you've had more than enough...
The living weren't meant to walk with the dead.
But the ghost came out from where I'd left him in my head.
Just like dust on a shelf, I just left him behind.
Months like years passing quicker as every moment went by.
I never let it get in me. I never even cried.
I just moved on through life as if he'd never died.
Cause he hadn't.
But I never knew and I never could see.
All the millions of places his heart now could be.
Although it wasn't my fault, or so I've been told,
I kept with me the guilt to grow with me and get old.
And sometimes I still wonder all of what could've been.
Would it have ended in more? Or just as a friend.
I'll look up to the sky and I'll remember your heart.
From the last time we talked to the beautiful start.
Not forgotten. Not at all. And he'll always be in my head.
But we're the living now, not meant to
be walking with the dead.
But the ghost came out from where I'd left him in my head.
Just like dust on a shelf, I just left him behind.
Months like years passing quicker as every moment went by.
I never let it get in me. I never even cried.
I just moved on through life as if he'd never died.
Cause he hadn't.
But I never knew and I never could see.
All the millions of places his heart now could be.
Although it wasn't my fault, or so I've been told,
I kept with me the guilt to grow with me and get old.
And sometimes I still wonder all of what could've been.
Would it have ended in more? Or just as a friend.
I'll look up to the sky and I'll remember your heart.
From the last time we talked to the beautiful start.
Not forgotten. Not at all. And he'll always be in my head.
But we're the living now, not meant to
be walking with the dead.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
I...
Can't write anymore.
Or speak or think.
No hands, no ears.
No eyes, too filled.
Too many question.
Asking, wondering.
Fleeing maybe to find
a ghost.
Once a time, moving on.
But not really.
Yes, and no.
City of black and white
Walking, dodging,
sprinting away.
No breathing.
Flying.
Will write
never again.
Or speak or think.
No hands, no ears.
No eyes, too filled.
Too many question.
Asking, wondering.
Fleeing maybe to find
a ghost.
Once a time, moving on.
But not really.
Yes, and no.
City of black and white
Walking, dodging,
sprinting away.
No breathing.
Flying.
Will write
never again.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
We're All Just Stars
The fear that comes alive inside
is brought to life in the dark of night.
Stars shining,
but we feel too small to stand.
We're spinning on an axis being spun by a hand.
You're hand, I know.
And you won't go but
the world leaves me.
And if I ever left it
would anyone stop me?
Or would they just let me quit?
Well I know that he'd follow me.
Too much a risk for me to take.
His heart too big to waste.
His hands to young
and they'll do greater things
than he knows.
Sometimes I think he's wiser than
I ever give him credit for.
But he's learned more from me
than I've learned from him.
The stars can't reach me.
But he's still a light.
And for those nighttimes I'm stuck
staring down at my feet
he pulls me back up
and says "Sis, I've got ya."
I am loved and I know it.
Even if it ever comes to just him
I can still keep on walking.
I haven't burned out yet.
is brought to life in the dark of night.
Stars shining,
but we feel too small to stand.
We're spinning on an axis being spun by a hand.
You're hand, I know.
And you won't go but
the world leaves me.
And if I ever left it
would anyone stop me?
Or would they just let me quit?
Well I know that he'd follow me.
Too much a risk for me to take.
His heart too big to waste.
His hands to young
and they'll do greater things
than he knows.
Sometimes I think he's wiser than
I ever give him credit for.
But he's learned more from me
than I've learned from him.
The stars can't reach me.
But he's still a light.
And for those nighttimes I'm stuck
staring down at my feet
he pulls me back up
and says "Sis, I've got ya."
I am loved and I know it.
Even if it ever comes to just him
I can still keep on walking.
I haven't burned out yet.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
This Is What Flight Looks Like
The closet monsters came back.
But they looked all different from before.
I'll scream and yell for a light but the door
is still locked and I'm locked in with them.
What if the pen that wrote my words
comes back to stab you where I stood?
And doubt fills up that things would worsen.
But who knows in these times.
We try so hard to reach the stars.
I've jumped and climbed; they're still not ours.
I used to say fear was my friend.
But no more so, I'm left to fend.
Where did you go?
I haven't heard a single word
in your direction for hours and hours.
To me that's years and you don't know.
The things I hear can't ever go.
Don't tell the wise, they aren't wise at all.
They'll throw me back there and I'll fall.
Breathing labored, I'll go on.
Just like I am. I have a song.
Somewhere inside me chilling my bones.
I'm always tired.
I'm always cold.
The sun's to bright to even look at.
The night's the only light
I can take to.
Think about life and love and all I have.
I have it all but will it last?
And sometimes wonder fills up my eyes.
That's my excuse for when I cry.
You'll read these words but not really here.
No more am I
a friend of fear.
But they looked all different from before.
I'll scream and yell for a light but the door
is still locked and I'm locked in with them.
What if the pen that wrote my words
comes back to stab you where I stood?
And doubt fills up that things would worsen.
But who knows in these times.
We try so hard to reach the stars.
I've jumped and climbed; they're still not ours.
I used to say fear was my friend.
But no more so, I'm left to fend.
Where did you go?
I haven't heard a single word
in your direction for hours and hours.
To me that's years and you don't know.
The things I hear can't ever go.
Don't tell the wise, they aren't wise at all.
They'll throw me back there and I'll fall.
Breathing labored, I'll go on.
Just like I am. I have a song.
Somewhere inside me chilling my bones.
I'm always tired.
I'm always cold.
The sun's to bright to even look at.
The night's the only light
I can take to.
Think about life and love and all I have.
I have it all but will it last?
And sometimes wonder fills up my eyes.
That's my excuse for when I cry.
You'll read these words but not really here.
No more am I
a friend of fear.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Speculate
Tell me something I don't know.
Scream my name,
because I've never heard it.
In this box, in this city
covered in black and white.
Where's the stars when we're reaching?
We're here in the night.
And I'm running.
So far, so far,
and my lungs are giving out.
So hard, so hard.
But I'll find a way.
I'll find a way
to you.
If I have to run the rest of my life.
Scream my name,
because I've never heard it.
In this box, in this city
covered in black and white.
Where's the stars when we're reaching?
We're here in the night.
And I'm running.
So far, so far,
and my lungs are giving out.
So hard, so hard.
But I'll find a way.
I'll find a way
to you.
If I have to run the rest of my life.
Is this the ending of a moment, or just a beautiful unfolding?
"Everything that I ever thought could happen,
or ever come to pass and
I wonder
If maybe,
maybe I could be
all you ever dreamed, cause you are...
Beautiful inside.
So lovely, and I
Can't see why I'd do anything without you." -SafetySuit
There's no words anymore that I can say.
There's not a single star in the sky today.
There's not a love or a lifetime.
There's not a song or a rhyme
that's more beautiful
or brighter
than you.
And though I can think forever
I know there will never
be anymore words
for how much I love you.
For the way it makes me feel
to hold you in my arms
and know you're safe and real.
And even after all the I have learned.
Even if the love is never returned.
Even after all of the stars have burned
I'll still be here.
Arms open.
Always here with a hand.
I'll always love you.
I'll always catch you
wherever you land.
Be it miles or minutes
from where I am at.
I'm here for you.
I love you.
And nothings gonna change that.
or ever come to pass and
I wonder
If maybe,
maybe I could be
all you ever dreamed, cause you are...
Beautiful inside.
So lovely, and I
Can't see why I'd do anything without you." -SafetySuit
There's no words anymore that I can say.
There's not a single star in the sky today.
There's not a love or a lifetime.
There's not a song or a rhyme
that's more beautiful
or brighter
than you.
And though I can think forever
I know there will never
be anymore words
for how much I love you.
For the way it makes me feel
to hold you in my arms
and know you're safe and real.
And even after all the I have learned.
Even if the love is never returned.
Even after all of the stars have burned
I'll still be here.
Arms open.
Always here with a hand.
I'll always love you.
I'll always catch you
wherever you land.
Be it miles or minutes
from where I am at.
I'm here for you.
I love you.
And nothings gonna change that.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Instead of Stopping, Let Me Jump This
Your love covers all, I know,
even my pain.
You'll walk with me through the fire
and stand by me in the rain.
But the way I've been walking
and running
and talking
isn't honorable in your eyes.
Lord, where am I going?
I see it in the looks of these passing faces.
We wake, and we work,
just to keep with the races.
And I choose just to breathe
but barely just to live.
I keep giving and giving
but I don't let them give.
Through all the chaos
Lord, you'll open my eyes.
To the truth and the pain
and the love and the lies.
Let me sort them all out
so I won't be the thief.
Find some answers to these questions
to bring some relief.
And let me lean on Your shoulder
cause my walking aint steady.
But help me take this leap now.
Give me faith.
Cause I'm ready.
even my pain.
You'll walk with me through the fire
and stand by me in the rain.
But the way I've been walking
and running
and talking
isn't honorable in your eyes.
Lord, where am I going?
I see it in the looks of these passing faces.
We wake, and we work,
just to keep with the races.
And I choose just to breathe
but barely just to live.
I keep giving and giving
but I don't let them give.
Through all the chaos
Lord, you'll open my eyes.
To the truth and the pain
and the love and the lies.
Let me sort them all out
so I won't be the thief.
Find some answers to these questions
to bring some relief.
And let me lean on Your shoulder
cause my walking aint steady.
But help me take this leap now.
Give me faith.
Cause I'm ready.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Saturday, August 8, 2009
You Don't Know.
Sometimes anymore,
I don't even know...
Why we arrive and we smile,
and we talk
then we go.
You don't know where my heart is.
I don't even know yours.
Sometimes I sit and I wonder
if you heard all the thunder
when it rained on my house.
Well, it stormed pretty hard.
And the windows all shattered.
But you don't know my heart.
We'll keep walking and smiling.
Keep talking and leaving.
Out with the old and in with the new season.
We're all running in circles.
We're all chasing the land.
You don't know where my heart is.
And I don't know where you stand.
I don't even know...
Why we arrive and we smile,
and we talk
then we go.
You don't know where my heart is.
I don't even know yours.
Sometimes I sit and I wonder
if you heard all the thunder
when it rained on my house.
Well, it stormed pretty hard.
And the windows all shattered.
But you don't know my heart.
We'll keep walking and smiling.
Keep talking and leaving.
Out with the old and in with the new season.
We're all running in circles.
We're all chasing the land.
You don't know where my heart is.
And I don't know where you stand.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Kaya's Life, According to Mat Kearney
Using only songs from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to 25 people you like (including me). You can't use the artist I used. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "My Life According to (ARTIST NAME)".
Pick Your Artist: Mat Kearney, musical poet and great guy.
Are you male or female?: "And though her age reads that she's just a young girl, the age behind her eyes shows the pained that she's swirled."
How do you feel?: "I'm caught in a moment out in the rain. Tell me there's something we can say. Help me to find a light."
Describe where you currently live: "This whole city's black and white. Tell me what is your color? Could it be the same as mine?"
If you could go anywhere, where would you go?: "Meet me in Chicago, down by the waterline. Step across the gold coast."
Your favourite form of transportation: "Car lights in the driveway. I wonder who's going, coming my way? Tomorrow we're turning down the highway."
Your best friend is: "It's undeniable how brilliant you are. In an unreliable world you shine like a star. It's unforgettable now that we've come this far."
Your favourite colour is: "Faded greens and blue street lights. There's a red fire burning from the sea up to the sky."
What is the weather like?: "Cause they all head on home in the morning. Get on gone when it's storming."
Favourite time of day: "Under stars in the dark, you'd say let's grow together as this world falls apart."
What is life to you?: " These days, a little bit longer than the last. And all of your ways, a little bit stronger than the past. And your light, found my bottle in the night. Kept me in this fight, gave me second life."
Your relationships?: "All I have is yours. And you watch my heart break a little bit more. My heart break a little bit more."
What is the best advice you have to give?: "Hold on for today. Don't worry about tomorrow. Though the rains of today seem to fall with sorrow.Let me be and we'll see this life for tomorrow."
If you could change your name, you would change it to: "Cause Annie's got to get out, before she never can." (Lol so that ones kinda a joke. =P)
Thought for the day: "And don't apologize for all the tears you've cried. You've been way too strong now for all your life..."
How I would like to die: "Alone to trust midst the rubble and dust. Humbled, it took this much time to break down and understand."
My soul's present condition: "On my knees when you call my bluff. Begging please from the edge of the ruff. And I know I've had enough, and I know it, and I know it..."
My Motto: "When all is lost, all is lef to gain. Hallelujah."
Pick Your Artist: Mat Kearney, musical poet and great guy.
Are you male or female?: "And though her age reads that she's just a young girl, the age behind her eyes shows the pained that she's swirled."
How do you feel?: "I'm caught in a moment out in the rain. Tell me there's something we can say. Help me to find a light."
Describe where you currently live: "This whole city's black and white. Tell me what is your color? Could it be the same as mine?"
If you could go anywhere, where would you go?: "Meet me in Chicago, down by the waterline. Step across the gold coast."
Your favourite form of transportation: "Car lights in the driveway. I wonder who's going, coming my way? Tomorrow we're turning down the highway."
Your best friend is: "It's undeniable how brilliant you are. In an unreliable world you shine like a star. It's unforgettable now that we've come this far."
Your favourite colour is: "Faded greens and blue street lights. There's a red fire burning from the sea up to the sky."
What is the weather like?: "Cause they all head on home in the morning. Get on gone when it's storming."
Favourite time of day: "Under stars in the dark, you'd say let's grow together as this world falls apart."
What is life to you?: " These days, a little bit longer than the last. And all of your ways, a little bit stronger than the past. And your light, found my bottle in the night. Kept me in this fight, gave me second life."
Your relationships?: "All I have is yours. And you watch my heart break a little bit more. My heart break a little bit more."
What is the best advice you have to give?: "Hold on for today. Don't worry about tomorrow. Though the rains of today seem to fall with sorrow.Let me be and we'll see this life for tomorrow."
If you could change your name, you would change it to: "Cause Annie's got to get out, before she never can." (Lol so that ones kinda a joke. =P)
Thought for the day: "And don't apologize for all the tears you've cried. You've been way too strong now for all your life..."
How I would like to die: "Alone to trust midst the rubble and dust. Humbled, it took this much time to break down and understand."
My soul's present condition: "On my knees when you call my bluff. Begging please from the edge of the ruff. And I know I've had enough, and I know it, and I know it..."
My Motto: "When all is lost, all is lef to gain. Hallelujah."
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
If You Fall, I'll Still Catch You. (For NH)
There was a boy that I knew.
He had a heart that could light up the world.
I still don't know if he knows
that its so.
But I do and they do. Yeah, we all know.
And his tears sometimes fell
but he still tried to smile.
Though I could see past his eyes
to every pain, every trial.
He always loved with everything that owned
but couldn't find one that loved in return.
And through is pain he somehow learned
that the world wasn't all the thought.
And for a moment
I thought we had lost
him.
He's still alive and breathing.
He's our miracle today.
All the words that he's written,
and all the words that he'll say
are inked with beauty.
Voiced in true perspective.
And if we hold him too high, well
I'm guilty of doing so.
But I know
what he's worth.
Even if he can't see.
He's got a heart ten times bigger
than the one thats in me.
And I'll stay up all night
every one of my days
if it means it'll keep beating
and he'll be okay.
He had a heart that could light up the world.
I still don't know if he knows
that its so.
But I do and they do. Yeah, we all know.
And his tears sometimes fell
but he still tried to smile.
Though I could see past his eyes
to every pain, every trial.
He always loved with everything that owned
but couldn't find one that loved in return.
And through is pain he somehow learned
that the world wasn't all the thought.
And for a moment
I thought we had lost
him.
He's still alive and breathing.
He's our miracle today.
All the words that he's written,
and all the words that he'll say
are inked with beauty.
Voiced in true perspective.
And if we hold him too high, well
I'm guilty of doing so.
But I know
what he's worth.
Even if he can't see.
He's got a heart ten times bigger
than the one thats in me.
And I'll stay up all night
every one of my days
if it means it'll keep beating
and he'll be okay.
Monday, August 3, 2009
That's Enough For Now.
It's not been very long now,
and you'll surely remember.
From the lights of the summer
to the nights of December.
We won't forget for a while,
but we'll hopefully learn.
You've been there when I've fallen,
and I'll help you in turn.
Woke up dazed this morning
and I prayed it wasn't true.
Before the words even reached me,
well, I already knew.
And my heart raced in anguish
cause I'm miles away.
What am I supposed to do now?
Is there anything I can say?
He will sleep cause hes scared.
And I won't be able to sleep at all.
Hoping the world will keep on turning for you.
We never wanted to see you fall.
Prayed myself back to sleep last night,
and well, God must've heard.
Cause you're alive and you're breathing.
It could've been so much worse.
I'm just glad you're alive and breathing, friend.
It could've been a whole lot worse.
and you'll surely remember.
From the lights of the summer
to the nights of December.
We won't forget for a while,
but we'll hopefully learn.
You've been there when I've fallen,
and I'll help you in turn.
Woke up dazed this morning
and I prayed it wasn't true.
Before the words even reached me,
well, I already knew.
And my heart raced in anguish
cause I'm miles away.
What am I supposed to do now?
Is there anything I can say?
He will sleep cause hes scared.
And I won't be able to sleep at all.
Hoping the world will keep on turning for you.
We never wanted to see you fall.
Prayed myself back to sleep last night,
and well, God must've heard.
Cause you're alive and you're breathing.
It could've been so much worse.
I'm just glad you're alive and breathing, friend.
It could've been a whole lot worse.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
I Am...Here
If I close my eyes, it's not there.
But I cant close my eyes.
And I'm scared.
Like a small little child,
afraid of the dark,
I am stuck here.
Alone.
Hugging my own shoulders so tightly.
I scream without sound
when I am asleep.
And in waking I walk with my steps so light
that nobody would know
how heavy my world is.
I pray every night and
every morning
that my prayers would reach your deaf ears.
Are you even listening?
Cause I'm here
and I'm lost and
I don't know why
you left me.
But I cant close my eyes.
And I'm scared.
Like a small little child,
afraid of the dark,
I am stuck here.
Alone.
Hugging my own shoulders so tightly.
I scream without sound
when I am asleep.
And in waking I walk with my steps so light
that nobody would know
how heavy my world is.
I pray every night and
every morning
that my prayers would reach your deaf ears.
Are you even listening?
Cause I'm here
and I'm lost and
I don't know why
you left me.
So I Thought (Flyleaf)
Ignorance is bliss, cherish it.
Pretty neighborhoods,
you learn too much to hold.
Believe it not.
And fight the tears
with pretty smiles and lies about the times.
A year goes by...
And I
can't talk about it.
The times weren't right...
And I
couldn't talk about it.
Pretty neighborhoods,
you learn too much to hold.
Believe it not.
And fight the tears
with pretty smiles and lies about the times.
A year goes by...
And I
can't talk about it.
The times weren't right...
And I
couldn't talk about it.
Screaming..
What if I was wrong??
And what if...
My lungs are giving out.
I'm screamin so loud that theres no sound
so you can't hear me.
Do you EVER hear me?
I always ask you.
And you lie but I love you.
I love you, you know?
And sometimes its hard but
I do it anyways.
I need you to look me in the face.
To promise me this will stop.
No stop to my face but altogether.
I don't take well to lies because
relationships build on trust.
Then what do we have?
You're my reason for smiles a lot and
you've saved me.
So why won't you listen?
I can't keep doing this.
I can't keep backing up lies.
I can't keep
screaming.
And what if...
My lungs are giving out.
I'm screamin so loud that theres no sound
so you can't hear me.
Do you EVER hear me?
I always ask you.
And you lie but I love you.
I love you, you know?
And sometimes its hard but
I do it anyways.
I need you to look me in the face.
To promise me this will stop.
No stop to my face but altogether.
I don't take well to lies because
relationships build on trust.
Then what do we have?
You're my reason for smiles a lot and
you've saved me.
So why won't you listen?
I can't keep doing this.
I can't keep backing up lies.
I can't keep
screaming.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Lamentations/ I'm Just Wishing...
Today I woke up
and was rained on by fire.
The smoke clouded my eyes.
Now,
I can't breathe well.
But he cannot either.
And from you to me,
I just want happiness on him.
So we find out...the monster was really
bigger than we thought it was.
And traces of him
are still hidden in the closet.
I put the whole puzzle
together in time.
But Im gonna hate to tell you.
I hate to know.
Its supposed to rain today
but outside its still bright.
But its raining in here
and it will be tonight.
So forgive me, but I
think that maybe this is
the end of some things.
I hope not of us but
I'll do what is right.
All the soldiers fight for causes
and my cause is the truth.
It'll be known one way or another...
So today I'll just try
and rest my head and breathe.
But tomorrow I'll pray
fervently, forever,
that he can know what love is
when its not breaking your heart.
and was rained on by fire.
The smoke clouded my eyes.
Now,
I can't breathe well.
But he cannot either.
And from you to me,
I just want happiness on him.
So we find out...the monster was really
bigger than we thought it was.
And traces of him
are still hidden in the closet.
I put the whole puzzle
together in time.
But Im gonna hate to tell you.
I hate to know.
Its supposed to rain today
but outside its still bright.
But its raining in here
and it will be tonight.
So forgive me, but I
think that maybe this is
the end of some things.
I hope not of us but
I'll do what is right.
All the soldiers fight for causes
and my cause is the truth.
It'll be known one way or another...
So today I'll just try
and rest my head and breathe.
But tomorrow I'll pray
fervently, forever,
that he can know what love is
when its not breaking your heart.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
I Should Tell You
I should tell you...
my intentions are bitter.
I hold trust in my palm
that should never be trusted.
I'm broken and breaking
your heart, also.
So soon please, just leave me.
Leave me to myself.
Leave me to my hereafter
that I'm so fearfully unsure of.
Love is something I knew
once upon a time.
Do I still?
I am the phantom
The monster
The asassin
The destroyer
Did I have a choice?
The sky was gray today
when I woke up.
I think it triggered all this
but
I think something else
played a part.
I think maybe
finally
I know what it is
to remember
and regret.
my intentions are bitter.
I hold trust in my palm
that should never be trusted.
I'm broken and breaking
your heart, also.
So soon please, just leave me.
Leave me to myself.
Leave me to my hereafter
that I'm so fearfully unsure of.
Love is something I knew
once upon a time.
Do I still?
I am the phantom
The monster
The asassin
The destroyer
Did I have a choice?
The sky was gray today
when I woke up.
I think it triggered all this
but
I think something else
played a part.
I think maybe
finally
I know what it is
to remember
and regret.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Help?
I watched the way work banged up my skin, mezmerized
and was reminded of older times.
Who saves the savior?
Blood is burning fire through my veins.
And I'm all show.
And no one, I know, will read this.
And if they do, not seriously.
And if then, not caring.
I need your help..
I want to give up to it again.
I want to surrender...
and was reminded of older times.
Who saves the savior?
Blood is burning fire through my veins.
And I'm all show.
And no one, I know, will read this.
And if they do, not seriously.
And if then, not caring.
I need your help..
I want to give up to it again.
I want to surrender...
And Now I Remember..
Today, I remembered.
His face, his smile, and his light.
And I didn't want to.
He could turn around a day and I
wanted to be just like him.
I can't say that anymore
or they'll cry.
He seemed
so happy.
So putogether and alive.
But I didn't know.
I was young, wasn't I?
But I knew something inside him
was as big as you or I.
His heart and his love and...
Why didn't anyone reach out?
I cried that day but
I don't think I knew him as well as I could.
I didn't.
My mistake now unfixable.
We tried didn't we? Or at least they did.
But he was so far away.
So distant in himself.
I thought he had so much joy but,
I was wrong.
And now he's gone
forever.
His face, his smile, and his light.
And I didn't want to.
He could turn around a day and I
wanted to be just like him.
I can't say that anymore
or they'll cry.
He seemed
so happy.
So putogether and alive.
But I didn't know.
I was young, wasn't I?
But I knew something inside him
was as big as you or I.
His heart and his love and...
Why didn't anyone reach out?
I cried that day but
I don't think I knew him as well as I could.
I didn't.
My mistake now unfixable.
We tried didn't we? Or at least they did.
But he was so far away.
So distant in himself.
I thought he had so much joy but,
I was wrong.
And now he's gone
forever.
Nate
Sometimes I just
want to give up my writing.
Because his words are the ones
that my hands can't quite type up.
That my mouth can't quite find.
That my pen can't quite reach.
He speaks to my heart
and it's soft spots and
I am speechless.
He's got so much in him.
So many endless words.
So much endless love.
It's almost like sometimes,
he knows every piece of me
that I've tried to forget.
But he doesn't.
Does he even know me at all?
And do I...?
want to give up my writing.
Because his words are the ones
that my hands can't quite type up.
That my mouth can't quite find.
That my pen can't quite reach.
He speaks to my heart
and it's soft spots and
I am speechless.
He's got so much in him.
So many endless words.
So much endless love.
It's almost like sometimes,
he knows every piece of me
that I've tried to forget.
But he doesn't.
Does he even know me at all?
And do I...?
Sometimes, I Am.
I want to scream.
I am a sinner.
Everyone bone in my body leaning against me.
Aching.
Crying.
We spend endless nights
and endless chances
to murder.
Hearts
Hands
Head on a shoulder.
A head thats not mine, as mine
unreached, stands.
We don't see.
We don't listen.
We don't breathe
because
it's harder than drowning.
Loving is learning.
We learn to love.
And lose our knowledge of all that is good.
I'm a sinner.
Broken.
Failed.
Trying.
Liar.
Theif.
Murderer.
But working.
Because who I am
is somewhere between
angel and demon.
Where the Jesus who loves me
can just pick me up.
Where is he now?
And they say, "Right besides you.
I believe but dont see.
Blind
Reaching
Holding
Learning
I am becoming a lover.
Found
Smiling
Dreaming
Shining
And held.
I am a sinner.
Everyone bone in my body leaning against me.
Aching.
Crying.
We spend endless nights
and endless chances
to murder.
Hearts
Hands
Head on a shoulder.
A head thats not mine, as mine
unreached, stands.
We don't see.
We don't listen.
We don't breathe
because
it's harder than drowning.
Loving is learning.
We learn to love.
And lose our knowledge of all that is good.
I'm a sinner.
Broken.
Failed.
Trying.
Liar.
Theif.
Murderer.
But working.
Because who I am
is somewhere between
angel and demon.
Where the Jesus who loves me
can just pick me up.
Where is he now?
And they say, "Right besides you.
I believe but dont see.
Blind
Reaching
Holding
Learning
I am becoming a lover.
Found
Smiling
Dreaming
Shining
And held.
We Don't Deserve To Reach the Stars
Take a little girl and show her
all a dream that never was.
And you stand there, innocently
seeking redemption.
Oh, your eyes.
And how she sits there...just so silent.
Is she alone? Inside herself.
We all look onward.
We dont look inside.
And our actions will remain
unaffective.
Sometimes she whispers
and you can hear, "I love you."
It falls on deaf ears and
all the hearts its meant to reach
are boxed up.
Kept up
dusty on a shelf.
What do we do without them?
Always nothing
but wander and wonder
and wish.
And to the little girl
sitting silent alone,
staring out onto the stars;
She sees whats not ours.
And they never will be.
Shining, distant...
Who are we to touch them?
all a dream that never was.
And you stand there, innocently
seeking redemption.
Oh, your eyes.
And how she sits there...just so silent.
Is she alone? Inside herself.
We all look onward.
We dont look inside.
And our actions will remain
unaffective.
Sometimes she whispers
and you can hear, "I love you."
It falls on deaf ears and
all the hearts its meant to reach
are boxed up.
Kept up
dusty on a shelf.
What do we do without them?
Always nothing
but wander and wonder
and wish.
And to the little girl
sitting silent alone,
staring out onto the stars;
She sees whats not ours.
And they never will be.
Shining, distant...
Who are we to touch them?
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Jars. Of. Clay. -Wisdom In Small Bits, From "The Long Fall Back To Earth"
So here's some snippets from Jars of Clay's new CD The Long Fall Back to Earth. Why did I post them? Cause this CD is life changingly spectacular, and I wanted to share its awesomeness. Please check it out and tell me what you think.
"Hallelujah, we can finally see. It's a miracle we feel anything at all. So lay your weapons down. There are no enemies in front of you." -Weapons
"I have a broken disposition: I'm a liar who thirsts for the truth. And while I ache for faith to hold me, I need to feel the scars and see the proof." - Two Hands
"But if you want my love, well you've got to get close to me. If you need my love well you've got to get closer to me. Oh, if you want my love.....I don't understand why we can't get close enough. I want your kite strings tangled in my trees all wrapped up. No, I don't understand why we can't get close enough. I'll be the comets that are falling from the sky you light up." -Closer
"I search for shelter near the mines we swept. I guess forgiveness hasn't happened yet. There are no words that I can say to you to turn this careless sky from black to blue. So I'm asking you...is it safe? Is it safe to land? Cause I'm not going far on an empty heart. Is it safe? Is it safe to land? Cause the long fall back to earth is the hardest part." -Safe to Land
"I don't have to hear it, if I don't want to. I can drown this out. Pull the curtains down on you. It's a heavy world. It's too much for me to care. If I close my eyes, it's not there...with my headphones on. " -Headphones
"You told them that I hung the moon. It was a lonely sliver hanging from the sky. I said I put it there for you. I didn't think that it would make you cry. Don't stop, don't stop for me now."- Don't Stop
"Lesson one, do not hide. Lesson two, there are right ways to fight. And if you have questions, we can talk through the night. So you know who you are, and you know what you want. I've been where you're going , and it's not that far. It's too far to walk, but you don't have to run. You'll get there in time." -Boys (Lesson One)
"Hallelujah, we can finally see. It's a miracle we feel anything at all. So lay your weapons down. There are no enemies in front of you." -Weapons
"I have a broken disposition: I'm a liar who thirsts for the truth. And while I ache for faith to hold me, I need to feel the scars and see the proof." - Two Hands
"But if you want my love, well you've got to get close to me. If you need my love well you've got to get closer to me. Oh, if you want my love.....I don't understand why we can't get close enough. I want your kite strings tangled in my trees all wrapped up. No, I don't understand why we can't get close enough. I'll be the comets that are falling from the sky you light up." -Closer
"I search for shelter near the mines we swept. I guess forgiveness hasn't happened yet. There are no words that I can say to you to turn this careless sky from black to blue. So I'm asking you...is it safe? Is it safe to land? Cause I'm not going far on an empty heart. Is it safe? Is it safe to land? Cause the long fall back to earth is the hardest part." -Safe to Land
"I don't have to hear it, if I don't want to. I can drown this out. Pull the curtains down on you. It's a heavy world. It's too much for me to care. If I close my eyes, it's not there...with my headphones on. " -Headphones
"You told them that I hung the moon. It was a lonely sliver hanging from the sky. I said I put it there for you. I didn't think that it would make you cry. Don't stop, don't stop for me now."- Don't Stop
"Lesson one, do not hide. Lesson two, there are right ways to fight. And if you have questions, we can talk through the night. So you know who you are, and you know what you want. I've been where you're going , and it's not that far. It's too far to walk, but you don't have to run. You'll get there in time." -Boys (Lesson One)
It's A Perspective, Happiness.
This isn't what we came here for.
We came here to put out foot to the pedal
and to drive on forever,
watching the sky fall down on use
in jagged puzzle pieces.
Mine are gray and yours are blue.
But it all depends on what happy means to you.
My worlds are gray and I'm dancing in dark.
With raindrops like beauty falling down,
twirl around.
I am lost in a childhood that
never had me.
Be a princess for today.
Am I 16 or 3?
Let's go back to a city that wasn't a city at all.
Miles and miles of just fields and freedom.
Hot summer days and cold winter snowmen.
We laughed, we sang, and I sang out my lungs.
Flip track, minor set backs, but laughing as we got up.
We are soul searching again here.
We are running too far.
Can I jump in your car? We can drvie
forever and ever.
I imagine as I run
that I'm running away to a better world.
A world without a sun.
My good days are all cloudy
as far as I see.
Gray and swirling, its all I know;
What happy means to me.
We came here to put out foot to the pedal
and to drive on forever,
watching the sky fall down on use
in jagged puzzle pieces.
Mine are gray and yours are blue.
But it all depends on what happy means to you.
My worlds are gray and I'm dancing in dark.
With raindrops like beauty falling down,
twirl around.
I am lost in a childhood that
never had me.
Be a princess for today.
Am I 16 or 3?
Let's go back to a city that wasn't a city at all.
Miles and miles of just fields and freedom.
Hot summer days and cold winter snowmen.
We laughed, we sang, and I sang out my lungs.
Flip track, minor set backs, but laughing as we got up.
We are soul searching again here.
We are running too far.
Can I jump in your car? We can drvie
forever and ever.
I imagine as I run
that I'm running away to a better world.
A world without a sun.
My good days are all cloudy
as far as I see.
Gray and swirling, its all I know;
What happy means to me.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Individualism.
Woke up finally, and opened my eyes
to a city of ashes in your hands.
Where I was standing
was atop of a hill.
It overlooked all I knew,
but somehow I was still
not satisfied. You said it was different for you.
But I knew your happiness was fake.
Oh, how I knew.
And that moment I realized
I changed my direction.
I don't need your approval
or your protection. Cause
I am an individual.
I know where I stand.
You laugh at my motives, and all my beliefs.
But I'll remain unmoving.
Forever and ever.
And you will never
be able to tell me who I am.
Cause am firm where I'm standing.
And I know where I'm going.
And maybe to you, my reality isn't showing.
But to me its quite clear,
and I know where I'm headed.
I'll look back on this hill
and realize its all I've dreaded.
Being stuck here in time, without a moment to reason.
I am leaving with the wind
and I'm changing with the seasons.
So this is who I am now.
I'm becoming beauty in my hands.
And this is where Im going now.
I'm done standing where you stand.
Forever.
to a city of ashes in your hands.
Where I was standing
was atop of a hill.
It overlooked all I knew,
but somehow I was still
not satisfied. You said it was different for you.
But I knew your happiness was fake.
Oh, how I knew.
And that moment I realized
I changed my direction.
I don't need your approval
or your protection. Cause
I am an individual.
I know where I stand.
You laugh at my motives, and all my beliefs.
But I'll remain unmoving.
Forever and ever.
And you will never
be able to tell me who I am.
Cause am firm where I'm standing.
And I know where I'm going.
And maybe to you, my reality isn't showing.
But to me its quite clear,
and I know where I'm headed.
I'll look back on this hill
and realize its all I've dreaded.
Being stuck here in time, without a moment to reason.
I am leaving with the wind
and I'm changing with the seasons.
So this is who I am now.
I'm becoming beauty in my hands.
And this is where Im going now.
I'm done standing where you stand.
Forever.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
In Boxes
Listening sometimes gets to me.
When I hear those words
and they pierce my brain.
They contradict their love with them.
Sometimes I just consider straight up
getting it out.
But I can't really, can I?
They don't want to hear.
Not at all.
I'll be stuck here.
Stuck in this box
with these walls.
They see my face and night
and frown with me too.
I know it.
But they can't talk. And
I'd be foolish to think they could.
Can I find a way out of here?
Run out, through the window.
And I would.
But they're all locked.
When I hear those words
and they pierce my brain.
They contradict their love with them.
Sometimes I just consider straight up
getting it out.
But I can't really, can I?
They don't want to hear.
Not at all.
I'll be stuck here.
Stuck in this box
with these walls.
They see my face and night
and frown with me too.
I know it.
But they can't talk. And
I'd be foolish to think they could.
Can I find a way out of here?
Run out, through the window.
And I would.
But they're all locked.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
NOTICE. One Time Only. Read.
I am only going to post this one time. And I'm not sure anyone will read it or follow anything it says, but oh well.
I've decided I'm tired of a great many things. And that I want to do something about it.
So I started this new blog.
It's nothing huge, but I'd really love you to read it, follow it, and comment on it whenever possible.
It'll be a journey really. And if you'd like to get to know what I'm thinking, you'll be able to.
Here the link:
http://kayasmovement.blogspot.com/
I've decided I'm tired of a great many things. And that I want to do something about it.
So I started this new blog.
It's nothing huge, but I'd really love you to read it, follow it, and comment on it whenever possible.
It'll be a journey really. And if you'd like to get to know what I'm thinking, you'll be able to.
Here the link:
http://kayasmovement.blogspot.com/
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
I Will Not Run (Song Inspiration)
"If tonight is your last train out of here, how you gonna run like that?"
I'm not.
I'm going to stay here
and stare it in the face
saying,
"I am not afraid."
I am so very afraid.
But I'm strong too.
I will not run.
I'm not.
I'm going to stay here
and stare it in the face
saying,
"I am not afraid."
I am so very afraid.
But I'm strong too.
I will not run.
Speculations.
Introverted to myself.
I have flaws by the millions.
Extroverted to the world
My face shows sunlight.
I hate the sun.
My fatal flaw is this in whole:
I don't want to be part of a bigger story.
Holding back, scared, and hiding,
like a child afraid of the dark.
I'm afraid of the sunshine.
I only know what its like
without the light.
Moving on is impossible.
You'll push, I know.
You always have.
Can I please see things in color now?
My whole world's been black and white.
Paint it with a hurricane, fast enough for me.
But too fast, and everythings the wrong color.
I won't notice.
I am ignorant in so many ways.
But wise in ways I wish not.
The world's flawed too, yeah.
But mine are fatal, I believe.
Closet-monsters, broken mirrors,
internal lightning, crashes to the floor.
Once I upon a time I wrote
how my heart was ice, and fragile.
Like glass.
Shattering, so hard.
Can you pick up the pieces? No.
I can't tell the ice from glass.
It wont melt.
Magic? No. Worrysome fragileness.
I want to reach out
just one more time.
But why stick your hand in the lions cage?
You know you'll get hurt again.
Why now?
Why then?
Why bother?
We were only made of moments and minutes
and miles and miles.
And when our soles run bare
and our faces our tired,
we rest.
I have flaws by the millions.
Extroverted to the world
My face shows sunlight.
I hate the sun.
My fatal flaw is this in whole:
I don't want to be part of a bigger story.
Holding back, scared, and hiding,
like a child afraid of the dark.
I'm afraid of the sunshine.
I only know what its like
without the light.
Moving on is impossible.
You'll push, I know.
You always have.
Can I please see things in color now?
My whole world's been black and white.
Paint it with a hurricane, fast enough for me.
But too fast, and everythings the wrong color.
I won't notice.
I am ignorant in so many ways.
But wise in ways I wish not.
The world's flawed too, yeah.
But mine are fatal, I believe.
Closet-monsters, broken mirrors,
internal lightning, crashes to the floor.
Once I upon a time I wrote
how my heart was ice, and fragile.
Like glass.
Shattering, so hard.
Can you pick up the pieces? No.
I can't tell the ice from glass.
It wont melt.
Magic? No. Worrysome fragileness.
I want to reach out
just one more time.
But why stick your hand in the lions cage?
You know you'll get hurt again.
Why now?
Why then?
Why bother?
We were only made of moments and minutes
and miles and miles.
And when our soles run bare
and our faces our tired,
we rest.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Cityscape Painting
When they tell is we're gonna paint the town
it's cause the town is colorless
without us around.
We're the painters, and this city scape
is just a template for ideas.
We've got our colors, each our own.
We'll customize our city home.
And learn to share.
And learn to grow.
We'll paint together
and then we'll know
that we're all just the same
in different colors.
When one painter's down,
all the colors wear out.
Yeah we all work with eachother.
If one burns out bright,
we all blend in with the night.
And this colorful town
turns shades of black and white.
But we'll take the hands of the artists around us.
No matter his stature, we'll help be his muse.
Share our colors and fortune,
and mix them together.
With shades that have never before been used.
Yeah let's paint the town now
much brighter than it's brothers.
It's been black and white for all too long.
But now we're adding our colors.
it's cause the town is colorless
without us around.
We're the painters, and this city scape
is just a template for ideas.
We've got our colors, each our own.
We'll customize our city home.
And learn to share.
And learn to grow.
We'll paint together
and then we'll know
that we're all just the same
in different colors.
When one painter's down,
all the colors wear out.
Yeah we all work with eachother.
If one burns out bright,
we all blend in with the night.
And this colorful town
turns shades of black and white.
But we'll take the hands of the artists around us.
No matter his stature, we'll help be his muse.
Share our colors and fortune,
and mix them together.
With shades that have never before been used.
Yeah let's paint the town now
much brighter than it's brothers.
It's been black and white for all too long.
But now we're adding our colors.
We'll Run On and On
I don't care if they're looking our way.
Keep on holding my hand.
Keep on walking with me.
The suns setting nice on the skyline here.
Tomorrow's a brand new day.
Let's run.
So far and so long that
they won't even know that we're gone.
We'll just be miles and miles
wearing out our soles.
But it doesn't matter cause together
we're whole.
Yeah we were meant to be
together.
I don't care if the whole worlds
looking in on our hearts.
We're making them known.
We have been from the start.
Let's just keep on going
and not hear a word they say.
The suns setting nice on the skyline here.
Yeah, tomorrow's a brand new day
for you and I.
Keep on holding my hand.
Keep on walking with me.
The suns setting nice on the skyline here.
Tomorrow's a brand new day.
Let's run.
So far and so long that
they won't even know that we're gone.
We'll just be miles and miles
wearing out our soles.
But it doesn't matter cause together
we're whole.
Yeah we were meant to be
together.
I don't care if the whole worlds
looking in on our hearts.
We're making them known.
We have been from the start.
Let's just keep on going
and not hear a word they say.
The suns setting nice on the skyline here.
Yeah, tomorrow's a brand new day
for you and I.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Fulfillment.
And I felt the holy spirit, tugging at my arm
saying "Come on. Come on. We have to be going."
I moved in shock and wonder.
I'd never felt her grasp on my wrist until then.
So I smiled and I cried.
And the tears dried themselves as I walked.
The days before so laden with heaviness.
We stood silent in the night before that,
our eyes wide and lost inside them.
Broken and deserted, we sacrificed our lives
to the idols of the night time and self proclaiming
healers.
But the tug on my wrist now is the only healing
I know can be present in me anymore.
My chest is full, and in time with my breath, I think the holy spirit
is the only thing it has room for anymore.
We try to find what we're looking for
in pages and faces.
But we can't find it here , no.
We all look for redemption in our good deeds.
And we pay for it.
But the only price redemption has
is our souls looking upward.
My souls looking upward now.
God, save it. Save it please.
Drowning is no fun and the waters filling
up my lungs.
I can't breathe anymore.
If I follow the holy spirit
tugging on my arm, God,
will you be there where she takes me?
saying "Come on. Come on. We have to be going."
I moved in shock and wonder.
I'd never felt her grasp on my wrist until then.
So I smiled and I cried.
And the tears dried themselves as I walked.
The days before so laden with heaviness.
We stood silent in the night before that,
our eyes wide and lost inside them.
Broken and deserted, we sacrificed our lives
to the idols of the night time and self proclaiming
healers.
But the tug on my wrist now is the only healing
I know can be present in me anymore.
My chest is full, and in time with my breath, I think the holy spirit
is the only thing it has room for anymore.
We try to find what we're looking for
in pages and faces.
But we can't find it here , no.
We all look for redemption in our good deeds.
And we pay for it.
But the only price redemption has
is our souls looking upward.
My souls looking upward now.
God, save it. Save it please.
Drowning is no fun and the waters filling
up my lungs.
I can't breathe anymore.
If I follow the holy spirit
tugging on my arm, God,
will you be there where she takes me?
Monday, June 22, 2009
Apologetic Love (Song Inspiration)
"And when the houses came, they ate up everyone like they were fishes, saying "Come on, come on....its the end of the world."
Sometimes I still wonder if it is.
The fire burning behind my eyes and his
and growing.
Growing so much higher
and farther and stronger and wider.
We aren't so strong anymore.
I don't want to know
what's ringing inside your ears.
I don't want to know your feelings.
I just want to be left alone.
The walls around aren't quite like home.
Home is where fear can't be found.
Fear for us is always around.
Nomadic expressions, scribbled onto a page.
Stand silent and solid, just burn with your rage.
I don't belive you.
I don't want to.
I won't ever come back.
I need a plane. I need the money.
I need everything I lack.
And now, with the sun long gone.
With my eyes drawing shut, I'll stay awake even longer.
Exhausted, and thinking,
"If this is the end, at least I loved."
Yeah, at least I loved you...
Sometimes I still wonder if it is.
The fire burning behind my eyes and his
and growing.
Growing so much higher
and farther and stronger and wider.
We aren't so strong anymore.
I don't want to know
what's ringing inside your ears.
I don't want to know your feelings.
I just want to be left alone.
The walls around aren't quite like home.
Home is where fear can't be found.
Fear for us is always around.
Nomadic expressions, scribbled onto a page.
Stand silent and solid, just burn with your rage.
I don't belive you.
I don't want to.
I won't ever come back.
I need a plane. I need the money.
I need everything I lack.
And now, with the sun long gone.
With my eyes drawing shut, I'll stay awake even longer.
Exhausted, and thinking,
"If this is the end, at least I loved."
Yeah, at least I loved you...
Sometimes I Want to Say Anything.
I always say that I'll come visit.
Yeah, I think I always want to visit.
Except sometimes I think
that maybe I shouldn't tell things,
so I don't visit.
It's hard not telling you things.
You listen.
So sometimes I stay inside
thinking about visitng you
but never getting to it.
And then I write this stuff
and read this stuff.
And sometimes it reminds me of
how you write.
And I wonder if you read mine still?
But no matter I suppose. I write it
for me mostly.
Yeah, I'll come visit again soon.
But I got so many secrets
that are tapping me on the shoulder.
I just can't say right now.
But if you thought hard
and looked hard
you'd know
they're the same monsters I've always had.
Just this time they look
a little different
at a different time.
I'll come visit soon.
But I'll stay silent,
and smile.
Yeah, I think I always want to visit.
Except sometimes I think
that maybe I shouldn't tell things,
so I don't visit.
It's hard not telling you things.
You listen.
So sometimes I stay inside
thinking about visitng you
but never getting to it.
And then I write this stuff
and read this stuff.
And sometimes it reminds me of
how you write.
And I wonder if you read mine still?
But no matter I suppose. I write it
for me mostly.
Yeah, I'll come visit again soon.
But I got so many secrets
that are tapping me on the shoulder.
I just can't say right now.
But if you thought hard
and looked hard
you'd know
they're the same monsters I've always had.
Just this time they look
a little different
at a different time.
I'll come visit soon.
But I'll stay silent,
and smile.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Treading Land
I sat by you and waited for your eyes to change.
But your eyes grew no different. They just stayed the same.
And when I got up to leave, you asked me, "Why must you go?"
I would've answered you, but surely, by now you must know.
The cars chased past the sidewalk, but you were not chasing me.
You just let me walk away, cause you'd much rather leave me be.
You said to him, "Oh she'll be fine." But what a shame.
I may not, and in the end I'll say it was you who is to blame.
You'll say to him, "She's fine with it." Without a second thought.
But, my god child, you don't know the difference between what is and what is not.
So I'll run around a while, with all these colors inside my eyes.
Looking for a strangers shoulders to hold all my insides.
Become a stranger. Maybe then I'll get words to your ears.
It's not my fault, you know. It's not. You just don't want to hear.
I'll turn bitter, angry, and I'll leave while wearing out my soles.
And you'll just stare and wonder when I was shot to get these holes.
Well yeah it was when you turned your head. Just for a moment in the day.
Every time you do they open fire. And there's nothing you can say.
So sit there with a loss for words, and stare into his eyes.
I'll keep to me and leave you be. I can't handle your lies.
My colors all have faded down, so theres nothing you can say.
While you sat and waited for the world to change, I just walked away.
But your eyes grew no different. They just stayed the same.
And when I got up to leave, you asked me, "Why must you go?"
I would've answered you, but surely, by now you must know.
The cars chased past the sidewalk, but you were not chasing me.
You just let me walk away, cause you'd much rather leave me be.
You said to him, "Oh she'll be fine." But what a shame.
I may not, and in the end I'll say it was you who is to blame.
You'll say to him, "She's fine with it." Without a second thought.
But, my god child, you don't know the difference between what is and what is not.
So I'll run around a while, with all these colors inside my eyes.
Looking for a strangers shoulders to hold all my insides.
Become a stranger. Maybe then I'll get words to your ears.
It's not my fault, you know. It's not. You just don't want to hear.
I'll turn bitter, angry, and I'll leave while wearing out my soles.
And you'll just stare and wonder when I was shot to get these holes.
Well yeah it was when you turned your head. Just for a moment in the day.
Every time you do they open fire. And there's nothing you can say.
So sit there with a loss for words, and stare into his eyes.
I'll keep to me and leave you be. I can't handle your lies.
My colors all have faded down, so theres nothing you can say.
While you sat and waited for the world to change, I just walked away.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Observations Away
We'll hit the keys and tap out feet,
a melody ringing way too far.
These city light right here
have become our stars.
We wish and wish on them until
we realize wishing isn't real.
Close your eyes, I'm there inside,
even if you cannot see.
I promise I'll be
better in time, if we can just keep walking.
Keep walking on this road we're on.
And if you keep on talking
until the first signs of morning,
then maybe tomorrow I'll be alright.
You arms have been there all along,
but really only in thought.
Am I wrong?
I've wanted and I've wish.
(I know, wishes aren't real.)
But you see I believe what I know I can feel.
I believe all too strongly,
but I'm firm where I'm standing.
I am out here, alone, with my beliefs
I am stranded.
Caged up on an island,
with my feet in the sand.
It's no home for the weary,
but it's just where I am.
There's no way to cross this ocean.
I can't walk on water.
I don't work miracles,
but yeah He does.
And I know He's looking down from above, asking
"Where are you going?"
Well, Im really not sure.
All I know is where I want to be,
and I know where we were.
Let's go back there
so I don't have to watch this fall down.
She's praying for something.
She falls on the ground.
And I'm watching him watch them
with such a mix of emotion.
All the pity and compassion,
in the middle of the chaos.
His eyes tell all the stories,
but her eyes tell something more.
And she knows where they're all going.
Yeah she knows it, I am sure.
I want to go right back to the beginning.
Can we rewrite this like a book?
A story, never ending. A pen, never empty.
And lives never at loss for
a smile from the inside.
But I think I'm seeing something;
And please, correct me if I'm wrong.
But she's out there somewhere, in her eyes.
Soon she'll be going, going.
Gone.
a melody ringing way too far.
These city light right here
have become our stars.
We wish and wish on them until
we realize wishing isn't real.
Close your eyes, I'm there inside,
even if you cannot see.
I promise I'll be
better in time, if we can just keep walking.
Keep walking on this road we're on.
And if you keep on talking
until the first signs of morning,
then maybe tomorrow I'll be alright.
You arms have been there all along,
but really only in thought.
Am I wrong?
I've wanted and I've wish.
(I know, wishes aren't real.)
But you see I believe what I know I can feel.
I believe all too strongly,
but I'm firm where I'm standing.
I am out here, alone, with my beliefs
I am stranded.
Caged up on an island,
with my feet in the sand.
It's no home for the weary,
but it's just where I am.
There's no way to cross this ocean.
I can't walk on water.
I don't work miracles,
but yeah He does.
And I know He's looking down from above, asking
"Where are you going?"
Well, Im really not sure.
All I know is where I want to be,
and I know where we were.
Let's go back there
so I don't have to watch this fall down.
She's praying for something.
She falls on the ground.
And I'm watching him watch them
with such a mix of emotion.
All the pity and compassion,
in the middle of the chaos.
His eyes tell all the stories,
but her eyes tell something more.
And she knows where they're all going.
Yeah she knows it, I am sure.
I want to go right back to the beginning.
Can we rewrite this like a book?
A story, never ending. A pen, never empty.
And lives never at loss for
a smile from the inside.
But I think I'm seeing something;
And please, correct me if I'm wrong.
But she's out there somewhere, in her eyes.
Soon she'll be going, going.
Gone.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Lessons
You're so much younger in spirit.
You're so carefree
and unaware.
Maybe one day
you'll teach me your secret.
Show me your world,
I'll meet you there.
I watched him walking
by the river.
Such sadness inside his eyes.
The world heavy
on his back.
He's buying into all their lies.
I'll teach you patience
if you teach me laughter.
And maybe one day
the world will follow after.
Oh we don't want to hear it,
the guilty conscience in our head.
So we'll walk around,
our eyes turned down.
Living among the dead.
And we'll sit around,
just staring,
till the media becomes a drug.
We're a war torn, weary,
working nation.
But we've swept pain under the rug.
And maybe it's not even there....
I'll tech you patience
if you teach me laughter.
And maybe one day
the world will follow after.
Oh, we don't want to hear it,
the guilty conscience in our head.
So we'll walk around,
our eyes turned down.
Living among the dead.
We're only living among the dead....
Let this heart inspire.
Let us starte a fire.
Live out loud, we're shouting higher,
till our lungs our full.
Our ears are ringing.
We're not singing,
we're screaming.
Oh, we're listening
to our heads.
We're tired of living
among the dead.
You're so carefree
and unaware.
Maybe one day
you'll teach me your secret.
Show me your world,
I'll meet you there.
I watched him walking
by the river.
Such sadness inside his eyes.
The world heavy
on his back.
He's buying into all their lies.
I'll teach you patience
if you teach me laughter.
And maybe one day
the world will follow after.
Oh we don't want to hear it,
the guilty conscience in our head.
So we'll walk around,
our eyes turned down.
Living among the dead.
And we'll sit around,
just staring,
till the media becomes a drug.
We're a war torn, weary,
working nation.
But we've swept pain under the rug.
And maybe it's not even there....
I'll tech you patience
if you teach me laughter.
And maybe one day
the world will follow after.
Oh, we don't want to hear it,
the guilty conscience in our head.
So we'll walk around,
our eyes turned down.
Living among the dead.
We're only living among the dead....
Let this heart inspire.
Let us starte a fire.
Live out loud, we're shouting higher,
till our lungs our full.
Our ears are ringing.
We're not singing,
we're screaming.
Oh, we're listening
to our heads.
We're tired of living
among the dead.
Monday, May 25, 2009
So, Once Again, My Heart.
Weaving, in and out of your life,
always.
I'm a nomad. Here and gone.
And in any giving moment
leaving you wondering where
I've gone to
in my head.
And I'm afraid, yeah
I'm afraid
that my heart was made
with a hole in it.
I don't leave anyone hanging.
Oh, I hope not. Never, no.
I do my best,
with every step.
Marching soldier like,
tearless, fearless,
chin up, shoulders back.
We aren't made for this.
And I'm afraid, yeah
I'm afraid
that my heart was made
with a hole in it.
You can see inside me,
and see through
that gaping hole that'll never be filled.
I will it shut,
and pray it closed.
I'll scream so loud
but no one will no
that my heart was made
with a hole in it.
always.
I'm a nomad. Here and gone.
And in any giving moment
leaving you wondering where
I've gone to
in my head.
And I'm afraid, yeah
I'm afraid
that my heart was made
with a hole in it.
I don't leave anyone hanging.
Oh, I hope not. Never, no.
I do my best,
with every step.
Marching soldier like,
tearless, fearless,
chin up, shoulders back.
We aren't made for this.
And I'm afraid, yeah
I'm afraid
that my heart was made
with a hole in it.
You can see inside me,
and see through
that gaping hole that'll never be filled.
I will it shut,
and pray it closed.
I'll scream so loud
but no one will no
that my heart was made
with a hole in it.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
I Ramble On.
Every breath I'm breathing
as I exhale, it's leaving
behind a poison filled air
in my lungs.
It's those feelings of laughter,
and the silence that follows after
that leaves me broken and hung.
And we never asked
to be walking where were walking.
And we never wanted
to be walking alone.
I'm not quite sure where
this is all going.
But I wish I could say
I was home.
These walls and these windows
no matter how close here
feel more like prison than
anything else.
Oh, I wish I was leaving
behind such a season.
God, why does it all
feel like hell?
I once saw a boy I knew
hugging a blind man
who was bitter ontop,
with a soft core.
Love like that in it's purest
always showing then leaving
leaves me living for just it,
wanting more.
as I exhale, it's leaving
behind a poison filled air
in my lungs.
It's those feelings of laughter,
and the silence that follows after
that leaves me broken and hung.
And we never asked
to be walking where were walking.
And we never wanted
to be walking alone.
I'm not quite sure where
this is all going.
But I wish I could say
I was home.
These walls and these windows
no matter how close here
feel more like prison than
anything else.
Oh, I wish I was leaving
behind such a season.
God, why does it all
feel like hell?
I once saw a boy I knew
hugging a blind man
who was bitter ontop,
with a soft core.
Love like that in it's purest
always showing then leaving
leaves me living for just it,
wanting more.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
By Your Side/ I'll Be Alright (Song Inspiration)
Why are you striving these days?
Because I'm falling slower than I have before.
Why are you trying to earn grace?
God I know you've cried, but I don't want you to anymore.
Why are you crying?
I dont want to keep going on with this.
Let me lift up your face.
Save me if you must, if you insist.
Just don't turn away.
Why are you looking for love?
I've lost too much, my hearts in pieces, and in need.
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?
I guess I'm looking for what I can, just out of greed.
To where will you go, child?
I'll find a place some day to call my own.
Tell me where will you run?
I'll find a spot my heart can honestly call home.
To where will you run?
Cause I'll be by your side wherever you fall
God just don't make me cry, at least not today.
in the dead of night whenever you call.
I promise I'll try to go a better way.
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you.
I really do need you holding me. Please hold me tight.
My hands are holding you.
Yeah, I know if that is true I'll be alright.
* Italicized words from By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North
Because I'm falling slower than I have before.
Why are you trying to earn grace?
God I know you've cried, but I don't want you to anymore.
Why are you crying?
I dont want to keep going on with this.
Let me lift up your face.
Save me if you must, if you insist.
Just don't turn away.
Why are you looking for love?
I've lost too much, my hearts in pieces, and in need.
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?
I guess I'm looking for what I can, just out of greed.
To where will you go, child?
I'll find a place some day to call my own.
Tell me where will you run?
I'll find a spot my heart can honestly call home.
To where will you run?
Cause I'll be by your side wherever you fall
God just don't make me cry, at least not today.
in the dead of night whenever you call.
I promise I'll try to go a better way.
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you.
I really do need you holding me. Please hold me tight.
My hands are holding you.
Yeah, I know if that is true I'll be alright.
* Italicized words from By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Heart-Words
So I won't start out this poem with "I"
because, it seems, I always do.
And now, in fact, there's greater things
cause you have me, and I have you.
When all the world is dark and calm
and souls at sleep for nightimes rest
I find my mind can't ever sleep
and that my heart beats from my chest.
With every word you utter soft
the world turns longer in my life.
My heart beats brighter, freer, lighter,
unshackled from it's remembered strife.
If the wind were to hear my whispers
and carry on, like whispers do;
Then you'd hear me every evening
whispering my love to you.
I've learned in time I'm not just minutes,
or moments or miles. I'm really much more.
But dear, you are an angel, with a heart thats been sleeping
and I'll help you wake up off the floor.
And if you fall, I'll catch you first
just so you don't have to hurt at all.
I'll help you over every mountain,
and find a way through every wall.
Your hearts been lost but I am finding
so much grace in finding you.
Love, don't be worried, I'm here to catch you,
to guide you close
and help you through.
because, it seems, I always do.
And now, in fact, there's greater things
cause you have me, and I have you.
When all the world is dark and calm
and souls at sleep for nightimes rest
I find my mind can't ever sleep
and that my heart beats from my chest.
With every word you utter soft
the world turns longer in my life.
My heart beats brighter, freer, lighter,
unshackled from it's remembered strife.
If the wind were to hear my whispers
and carry on, like whispers do;
Then you'd hear me every evening
whispering my love to you.
I've learned in time I'm not just minutes,
or moments or miles. I'm really much more.
But dear, you are an angel, with a heart thats been sleeping
and I'll help you wake up off the floor.
And if you fall, I'll catch you first
just so you don't have to hurt at all.
I'll help you over every mountain,
and find a way through every wall.
Your hearts been lost but I am finding
so much grace in finding you.
Love, don't be worried, I'm here to catch you,
to guide you close
and help you through.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
To Love.
Love, you hide in the weirdest places, but
I find you splendid in every way.
Especially when you come along,
jumping out in front me.
Sort of like a gift, don't you think?
I mean well sure
you've hurt me some before.
But not anymore.
You just keep giving and for now
I'll graciously take it.
Why question you
when you're only making me smile?
I find you splendid in every way.
Especially when you come along,
jumping out in front me.
Sort of like a gift, don't you think?
I mean well sure
you've hurt me some before.
But not anymore.
You just keep giving and for now
I'll graciously take it.
Why question you
when you're only making me smile?
Let Me Be the Reaper
Let me be the reaper
and I'll create my own demise.
Through my eyes,
the world turns in such a direction
that causes us to fall, off balance.
We lay
under a blanket of stars
and wonder which we can call our
own. And at home
we're still hiding behind doors
with secrets brimming at our eyes.
The music screams of decrepid lies
and truths we deem
as too much to take.
And when we wake
the same songs ring in the back of
our ears. All we hear
is the shouting and fighting.
It's what we remember.
And come this December,
the winter will hit me. Like always
I'll promise
to renew myself to you.
But you'll frown upon the new year
at all the things you know I'll do.
Right now I think I'll just be
the reaper,
if that's okay in your eyes.
Let me bend, and break,
create, and wake
to build my own
demise.
and I'll create my own demise.
Through my eyes,
the world turns in such a direction
that causes us to fall, off balance.
We lay
under a blanket of stars
and wonder which we can call our
own. And at home
we're still hiding behind doors
with secrets brimming at our eyes.
The music screams of decrepid lies
and truths we deem
as too much to take.
And when we wake
the same songs ring in the back of
our ears. All we hear
is the shouting and fighting.
It's what we remember.
And come this December,
the winter will hit me. Like always
I'll promise
to renew myself to you.
But you'll frown upon the new year
at all the things you know I'll do.
Right now I think I'll just be
the reaper,
if that's okay in your eyes.
Let me bend, and break,
create, and wake
to build my own
demise.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Decisions Can Kill More Than The Decision-Maker.
Because I love you,
but I really love him
there's no way at all this can work out in the end.
I'm digging my own grave
and if that isn't enough
I climb into with each step I take
closer.
But closer to you.
And maybe I want it.
But maybe I don't.
Maybe I should tell him.
But I'm sure I won't.
I'm not leading, I'm not.
I have you for now.
I'm the keeper of decisions
and the world is watching.
If I take the wrong road,
then my downfall will follow.
I'll reap my own consequences,
apologies decorating my words.
There's no apology for this.
And while I know what should be,
and what's probably right,
I will still look around and try, yeah I'll try
to find a way and cheat
this life that's forcing me
to choose one or the other.
Why can't I have both?
It's a matter of social acceptance
that can't be overcome.
It's never right.
It never will be.
But still I'm not sure
of the answer, not now,
not ever.
God, what would You do,
in my position?
but I really love him
there's no way at all this can work out in the end.
I'm digging my own grave
and if that isn't enough
I climb into with each step I take
closer.
But closer to you.
And maybe I want it.
But maybe I don't.
Maybe I should tell him.
But I'm sure I won't.
I'm not leading, I'm not.
I have you for now.
I'm the keeper of decisions
and the world is watching.
If I take the wrong road,
then my downfall will follow.
I'll reap my own consequences,
apologies decorating my words.
There's no apology for this.
And while I know what should be,
and what's probably right,
I will still look around and try, yeah I'll try
to find a way and cheat
this life that's forcing me
to choose one or the other.
Why can't I have both?
It's a matter of social acceptance
that can't be overcome.
It's never right.
It never will be.
But still I'm not sure
of the answer, not now,
not ever.
God, what would You do,
in my position?
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Just Spilled Off Words
We are such great actors now
that I'm sure we've forgotten how
to be honest and true and smile
for real.
I'm going to stand up and scream very soon
that I want out and I want free.
I just want to be me without the war.
The fighting took my life of half
and cause it to be a casualty no one noticed.
We can ask why forever but
the answers may never come.
I'm trying to stand but I've been stumbling.
His tears fall, mine are stuck behind the glass
that is my eyes.
I'm a soldier in a losing battle, but
I can win maybe if they stop fighting.
Intensity rising, I learn my lines
acting each day like the world is turning,
when in fact the world is stopped.
I am who I am, what I am, where I am
in the middle of the desert with
the dust in my eyes but still standing.
I'll tell you, I'll tell you screaming
that it's never going to stop.
Because the worlds still turning
and we're still standing here burning.
And it starts anew each day when we open our eyes.
We have to face head on,
standing tall,
holding strong,
forever and forever.
that I'm sure we've forgotten how
to be honest and true and smile
for real.
I'm going to stand up and scream very soon
that I want out and I want free.
I just want to be me without the war.
The fighting took my life of half
and cause it to be a casualty no one noticed.
We can ask why forever but
the answers may never come.
I'm trying to stand but I've been stumbling.
His tears fall, mine are stuck behind the glass
that is my eyes.
I'm a soldier in a losing battle, but
I can win maybe if they stop fighting.
Intensity rising, I learn my lines
acting each day like the world is turning,
when in fact the world is stopped.
I am who I am, what I am, where I am
in the middle of the desert with
the dust in my eyes but still standing.
I'll tell you, I'll tell you screaming
that it's never going to stop.
Because the worlds still turning
and we're still standing here burning.
And it starts anew each day when we open our eyes.
We have to face head on,
standing tall,
holding strong,
forever and forever.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Apologies and Regret
We were so young and so alive
until last night.
Your eyes shed tears, more than I ever
want to see from you.
I bet you didn't know
they cut deep into me, and made rivers.
They're still running through me,
whispering, "You're the guilty one.
Yeah, this is all your fault."
I look in the mirror and
my shadowed eyes believe it.
My guilt is overpowered
by my need to make you better.
I should be taking care
of my wounds, still open and bleeding.
But you, you matter first and most.
And if you're not happy,
I have to be there for you.
The dark keeps whispering to me,
and I keep wondering...
What have I done?
I am dirt and should be hated.
But you'd tell me no.
My act of selfishness reached a peak
that I never thought I was actually
truly capable of.
And if my eyes couldn't make the tears last night
well then,
they surely can now.
Because I hurt you...
And you were the only one
that tried
to save me.
until last night.
Your eyes shed tears, more than I ever
want to see from you.
I bet you didn't know
they cut deep into me, and made rivers.
They're still running through me,
whispering, "You're the guilty one.
Yeah, this is all your fault."
I look in the mirror and
my shadowed eyes believe it.
My guilt is overpowered
by my need to make you better.
I should be taking care
of my wounds, still open and bleeding.
But you, you matter first and most.
And if you're not happy,
I have to be there for you.
The dark keeps whispering to me,
and I keep wondering...
What have I done?
I am dirt and should be hated.
But you'd tell me no.
My act of selfishness reached a peak
that I never thought I was actually
truly capable of.
And if my eyes couldn't make the tears last night
well then,
they surely can now.
Because I hurt you...
And you were the only one
that tried
to save me.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Burning
My life has been an adventurous misadventure
filled with every possible mishap and triumph.
Regret is a word I think of sometimes,
but don't used often.
Wishes are probable, but not likely to me.
I wish a lot though.
The days come and go like silence comes and stays.
And even when the words don't make sense
they still have a that ring in your ears.
They stay with you.
The people set you down and tell you
all the faults and failures.
But you shouldn't listen.
I don't.
I sit myself down and listen to myself.
Who's the harder judge?
God looks down sometimes on me I think, and cringes.
But maybe He smiles to.
But I wonder though, God, do you wish I was different?
Do you look down on me, asking ," Where are you going?"
I ask my feet the same question.
They carry more haste than my heart.
I guess my hearts learning to keep up though.
And while all the swirling city lights outside
never kept me awake,
the little light in the back of my head
keeps blinking
making for more sleepless nights
and burning questions.
filled with every possible mishap and triumph.
Regret is a word I think of sometimes,
but don't used often.
Wishes are probable, but not likely to me.
I wish a lot though.
The days come and go like silence comes and stays.
And even when the words don't make sense
they still have a that ring in your ears.
They stay with you.
The people set you down and tell you
all the faults and failures.
But you shouldn't listen.
I don't.
I sit myself down and listen to myself.
Who's the harder judge?
God looks down sometimes on me I think, and cringes.
But maybe He smiles to.
But I wonder though, God, do you wish I was different?
Do you look down on me, asking ," Where are you going?"
I ask my feet the same question.
They carry more haste than my heart.
I guess my hearts learning to keep up though.
And while all the swirling city lights outside
never kept me awake,
the little light in the back of my head
keeps blinking
making for more sleepless nights
and burning questions.
Wishing For You
Sometimes I think if you were here
your arms would stop me
from making mistakes
cause I'd be in them, safe and held.
I wish and lot and wonder a lot.
I imagine the days we'll have soon but
I wish they were sooner.
I know you forgive my mistakes
all the time.
But I don't want to make more.
My mind is like a movie that plays
over and over
and
is still being edited.
Sometimes I get new pictures
but rarely are they better ones.
Except you.
You make a better, brighter picture.
One I love to see, and the day I see it for real
I will imprint it into memory.
Set in stone to relive
over and over
for the days I wish I was in your arms,
safe and held.
your arms would stop me
from making mistakes
cause I'd be in them, safe and held.
I wish and lot and wonder a lot.
I imagine the days we'll have soon but
I wish they were sooner.
I know you forgive my mistakes
all the time.
But I don't want to make more.
My mind is like a movie that plays
over and over
and
is still being edited.
Sometimes I get new pictures
but rarely are they better ones.
Except you.
You make a better, brighter picture.
One I love to see, and the day I see it for real
I will imprint it into memory.
Set in stone to relive
over and over
for the days I wish I was in your arms,
safe and held.
My Ordinary Human-Poet Words
I'm starting now to wonder
when my words will get cut off.
When will they fall down,
in endless tumbling,
making no sense, or less
than they already don't.
When will my fingers not be brimming
with inspiration...?
Or really, just boredom.
Your words carry the weight
of something significant.
Mine are small, like myself.
With strength and dignity,
but still lacking
the worldly qualities that yours bear.
If they were people, my words
would stand in ordinary people clothes
with tattered jeans and a t-shirt;
Just standing there, fumbling with
his hands.
Not really knowing what to say,
but saying things at the right moments,
or maybe
not at all.
And yours?
Yours would stand there, dignified,
dressed in fashions fit for professionals;
A lovely looking man, I would say.
Speaking with eloquence,
lighting the room up
as mine looked on
in a silent wonder.
Not jealousy, no. Just wonder at
the way his words fall
so gently down.
And it would make me wonder.
Yes, like I so often do.
Am I writing for the world to see?
Am I a preacher, or poet teaching leader?
Or am I just writing
for the sake of it
for
myself?
when my words will get cut off.
When will they fall down,
in endless tumbling,
making no sense, or less
than they already don't.
When will my fingers not be brimming
with inspiration...?
Or really, just boredom.
Your words carry the weight
of something significant.
Mine are small, like myself.
With strength and dignity,
but still lacking
the worldly qualities that yours bear.
If they were people, my words
would stand in ordinary people clothes
with tattered jeans and a t-shirt;
Just standing there, fumbling with
his hands.
Not really knowing what to say,
but saying things at the right moments,
or maybe
not at all.
And yours?
Yours would stand there, dignified,
dressed in fashions fit for professionals;
A lovely looking man, I would say.
Speaking with eloquence,
lighting the room up
as mine looked on
in a silent wonder.
Not jealousy, no. Just wonder at
the way his words fall
so gently down.
And it would make me wonder.
Yes, like I so often do.
Am I writing for the world to see?
Am I a preacher, or poet teaching leader?
Or am I just writing
for the sake of it
for
myself?
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
The Park Bridge
I'm like that bridge at the park in the mountains.
All rickety and cracking from wear,
but rooted in its past.
People cross me
I support them.
But one day I'll break down and fall,
sinking in the waters below.
I'm hoping that day won't be for a while.
I saw a sign there that said
they're raising money
to repair the bridge
and make it stronger.
And I'm wondering,
maybe, just maybe
if I can be repaired too?
All rickety and cracking from wear,
but rooted in its past.
People cross me
I support them.
But one day I'll break down and fall,
sinking in the waters below.
I'm hoping that day won't be for a while.
I saw a sign there that said
they're raising money
to repair the bridge
and make it stronger.
And I'm wondering,
maybe, just maybe
if I can be repaired too?
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Guilt
We are all guilty
of being the judges....
But we need to stop
because the judges will fall.
We see only what we want
and when we want
and how we want.
The people fake it.
And we let them.
We assume until
we make asses of ourselves.
And then the guilt comes up
overwhelming,
as we realize
they're human too.
of being the judges....
But we need to stop
because the judges will fall.
We see only what we want
and when we want
and how we want.
The people fake it.
And we let them.
We assume until
we make asses of ourselves.
And then the guilt comes up
overwhelming,
as we realize
they're human too.
What I Wanted to Say to George
Dear Mr. President,
these are not toy soldiers.
They aren't plastic and able
to be thrown around.
Their guns and their bullets
are all so very real.
You can't leave them outside
scattered in the dust,
left to be rained on
like bullets.
You can't keep them in containers
without seeing the sun.
They will die there,
Mr. President.
They're not just indestructable
plastic enamel and painted little toys.
They are people with families.
With wives and with children.
And we just want them to come home,
please.
Oh please, Mr. President, these are not toy soldiers.
We cannot just play with them
until we get bored.
these are not toy soldiers.
They aren't plastic and able
to be thrown around.
Their guns and their bullets
are all so very real.
You can't leave them outside
scattered in the dust,
left to be rained on
like bullets.
You can't keep them in containers
without seeing the sun.
They will die there,
Mr. President.
They're not just indestructable
plastic enamel and painted little toys.
They are people with families.
With wives and with children.
And we just want them to come home,
please.
Oh please, Mr. President, these are not toy soldiers.
We cannot just play with them
until we get bored.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Temporary Words
Sometimes the most worthwhile words
are stuck inside our head.
We can't even begin to describe all
the miracles, the tragedies, horrid or beautiful.
The thoughts, the speculations and theories.
The child behind our eyes.
My hands are pressed up to the glass
like a five year old watching
his father leave for good.
Its not leaving for good but
I wish it so.
All the stars fall and all my wishes fly
but never come true.
Someday, yeah maybe someday.
One wish came true once.
And I am thankful. So very much,
as I sit here staring at my words.
I look at my hands and wonder,
"When did my words get so dull?"
And then I remember,
these are not mine.
They are a temporary placement
for the more horrific words,
and the more beautiful miracles
that cannot
possibly
be spoken.
are stuck inside our head.
We can't even begin to describe all
the miracles, the tragedies, horrid or beautiful.
The thoughts, the speculations and theories.
The child behind our eyes.
My hands are pressed up to the glass
like a five year old watching
his father leave for good.
Its not leaving for good but
I wish it so.
All the stars fall and all my wishes fly
but never come true.
Someday, yeah maybe someday.
One wish came true once.
And I am thankful. So very much,
as I sit here staring at my words.
I look at my hands and wonder,
"When did my words get so dull?"
And then I remember,
these are not mine.
They are a temporary placement
for the more horrific words,
and the more beautiful miracles
that cannot
possibly
be spoken.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Unexplainable Love
I'm worth more than all
those ancient scars,
faded, nearly gone.
I know I don't
give enough credit to
my own strength.
But I surrender to
the wrong gods.
The wrong idols...
I surrender and am taken
captive.
I should be captivated
by Your love.
For the life of me
I can't explain how they all love me
so so much.
those ancient scars,
faded, nearly gone.
I know I don't
give enough credit to
my own strength.
But I surrender to
the wrong gods.
The wrong idols...
I surrender and am taken
captive.
I should be captivated
by Your love.
For the life of me
I can't explain how they all love me
so so much.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
My Closet- Monster
It's sadly amusing to me
the way this comes and goes and now
is staying.
I know it shouldn't, like a monster
in the closet,
I should be afraid as if I'm five.
I am five inside.
But well, you know, five year olds
don't deal with this.
Do they?
...I hope not. But probably.
Problems and strife are getting
younger and younger
every passing day.
And I look around and wonder
what I am missing.
My head, constantly filled with this
closet-monster,
obsessing and thinking,
and planning over it.
I don't want it to go away.
Is that bad? Yes.
And I know it.
I know this monster by a name
I don't want to call it
because I can't admit.
And while its their, frightening me
in my closet,
I can't help but wonder....Did I put it there?
Yeah, yeah I did.
And now Im just so used to it.
So okay with it
and so numb to it that
I don't want it to go away.
He tells me thats not okay
and I know it but....
What can you do
when your worst enemies
become friends?
the way this comes and goes and now
is staying.
I know it shouldn't, like a monster
in the closet,
I should be afraid as if I'm five.
I am five inside.
But well, you know, five year olds
don't deal with this.
Do they?
...I hope not. But probably.
Problems and strife are getting
younger and younger
every passing day.
And I look around and wonder
what I am missing.
My head, constantly filled with this
closet-monster,
obsessing and thinking,
and planning over it.
I don't want it to go away.
Is that bad? Yes.
And I know it.
I know this monster by a name
I don't want to call it
because I can't admit.
And while its their, frightening me
in my closet,
I can't help but wonder....Did I put it there?
Yeah, yeah I did.
And now Im just so used to it.
So okay with it
and so numb to it that
I don't want it to go away.
He tells me thats not okay
and I know it but....
What can you do
when your worst enemies
become friends?
Friday, April 3, 2009
PS- You're Beautiful
There is an incredible difference between love and lust, and as I sat staring at my computer screen I realized that even greater than I had before. The glow of the colorful monitor illuminated the shadows on my face that had been set there by the long days and nights of worry, and question, and wonder.
I'm sorry. I typed him, my blood running cold, and my chest tight. I am so very sorry. I sat there with a worried look on my face. Would he be angry? Disappointed? The latter being the worst, and I feared it. Had he been standing next to me, I could not have looked him in the eye or my own would have spilled over with tears.
Kayla... He typed. I waited nervously for his answer.
I love you. I'm not mad. I'm not upset. I'm not disappointed. I love you, and I always will forever and ever. You are beautiful. I will never stop loving you.
My heart beat nearly stopped and I stared, my eyes brimming with tears. I couldn't imagine how he could forgive me for hiding such a thing from him. I felt guilty, terrible, upset. But he somehow saw through it. He still loved me. He wanted to love me. Not because he had to. But because in his heart that is what he felt.
Thank you. So so much. My mind was at loss for anything else to say.
You're welcome. He answered. I let a small smile come to my lips. My near panic state was decreasing slowly and I could feel my heartbeat coming back to life little by little. He loved me. And he always would. We talked until the clock said it was a new day, and then I went to sleep with his love ringing in my ears and heart.
The next day I got up greeting the morning with a welcome for once. Today was okay. Today I wasn't hiding anything from him. I rushed through the day in a frenzied excitement to get home and talk to him like always. I turned on my computer and settled in, still missing him and wanting him to be right beside me, but happy none the less. We talked for a little bit, until he had to go.
Sorry love I must get ready to leave now. *hugs* I love you. I smiled at his words.
Mkay. I'll be here when you get back. I love you too. I assumed he'd log off after this, so I didnt touch anything. But right as I was about to close it another message popped up.
PS- You're beautiful. Bye.
I felt a grin spread across my face. The past days may have been hard, but he was still there. He was being strong for me and he wanted to help. But most of all he just wanted me to understand that I was beautiful and loved. And at that moment I understood that incredible difference between love and lust. Lust was most of the teenage couples around me, only loving for the physical emotions. But love, love was how he felt for me unconditionally. Love was the bond between us that we'd formed long before we gained the status of a couple. Love was him, and the way he cared so much. I understand now, and I will remember for a long time. Love is him. And he loves me.
I'm sorry. I typed him, my blood running cold, and my chest tight. I am so very sorry. I sat there with a worried look on my face. Would he be angry? Disappointed? The latter being the worst, and I feared it. Had he been standing next to me, I could not have looked him in the eye or my own would have spilled over with tears.
Kayla... He typed. I waited nervously for his answer.
I love you. I'm not mad. I'm not upset. I'm not disappointed. I love you, and I always will forever and ever. You are beautiful. I will never stop loving you.
My heart beat nearly stopped and I stared, my eyes brimming with tears. I couldn't imagine how he could forgive me for hiding such a thing from him. I felt guilty, terrible, upset. But he somehow saw through it. He still loved me. He wanted to love me. Not because he had to. But because in his heart that is what he felt.
Thank you. So so much. My mind was at loss for anything else to say.
You're welcome. He answered. I let a small smile come to my lips. My near panic state was decreasing slowly and I could feel my heartbeat coming back to life little by little. He loved me. And he always would. We talked until the clock said it was a new day, and then I went to sleep with his love ringing in my ears and heart.
The next day I got up greeting the morning with a welcome for once. Today was okay. Today I wasn't hiding anything from him. I rushed through the day in a frenzied excitement to get home and talk to him like always. I turned on my computer and settled in, still missing him and wanting him to be right beside me, but happy none the less. We talked for a little bit, until he had to go.
Sorry love I must get ready to leave now. *hugs* I love you. I smiled at his words.
Mkay. I'll be here when you get back. I love you too. I assumed he'd log off after this, so I didnt touch anything. But right as I was about to close it another message popped up.
PS- You're beautiful. Bye.
I felt a grin spread across my face. The past days may have been hard, but he was still there. He was being strong for me and he wanted to help. But most of all he just wanted me to understand that I was beautiful and loved. And at that moment I understood that incredible difference between love and lust. Lust was most of the teenage couples around me, only loving for the physical emotions. But love, love was how he felt for me unconditionally. Love was the bond between us that we'd formed long before we gained the status of a couple. Love was him, and the way he cared so much. I understand now, and I will remember for a long time. Love is him. And he loves me.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Trying.
There's so much to consider
and you tell me
you'll love me on my bad days
and my good days.
On my sad days
and my happy days.
But I can't put all that on you...
I've tried and now
I'm trying the wrong way.
You know somethings not right.
I know it.
They know it.
But...I haven't changed it.
Moreover
it's been worse these days.
I can feel my stomach tighten
at the thought.
And I look around and frown
at the thought of what I'm becoming.
Of course you say you'll always love me
and maybe you will.
But really
I don't wanna hurt you.
And I don't wanna be the one
to make you cry again.
I just wanna love you
and be
okay.
and you tell me
you'll love me on my bad days
and my good days.
On my sad days
and my happy days.
But I can't put all that on you...
I've tried and now
I'm trying the wrong way.
You know somethings not right.
I know it.
They know it.
But...I haven't changed it.
Moreover
it's been worse these days.
I can feel my stomach tighten
at the thought.
And I look around and frown
at the thought of what I'm becoming.
Of course you say you'll always love me
and maybe you will.
But really
I don't wanna hurt you.
And I don't wanna be the one
to make you cry again.
I just wanna love you
and be
okay.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Becomings
Sometimes I find that
I'm drifting off slowly.
Left behind in a moment,
but stuck now in the past.
Trying to escape the box we
get stuck in.
I'm not really sure how.
I wonder sometimes
to the far away, the could be's,
and all my wishes that
have never worked out.
I used to wish a while every night but
gave that up to my
long and gone childhood.
Put two of us together and we'd go down
like we are already.
I can't help you anymore.
I
can't
help.
And she's right, she's really right,
but my ears don't wanna hear it.
So I'll tell myself over and over
to shut up.
Just shut up and keep on smiling
and walk forward.
Keep walking with your chin up
even on the days
you are nearly,
almost
dead.
I'm drifting off slowly.
Left behind in a moment,
but stuck now in the past.
Trying to escape the box we
get stuck in.
I'm not really sure how.
I wonder sometimes
to the far away, the could be's,
and all my wishes that
have never worked out.
I used to wish a while every night but
gave that up to my
long and gone childhood.
Put two of us together and we'd go down
like we are already.
I can't help you anymore.
I
can't
help.
And she's right, she's really right,
but my ears don't wanna hear it.
So I'll tell myself over and over
to shut up.
Just shut up and keep on smiling
and walk forward.
Keep walking with your chin up
even on the days
you are nearly,
almost
dead.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
A Solitary Fight
When the worlds at it's loudest
I'm the one lying face down.
My bullet riddled chest, eyes wide, shock,
hand tight clasping my
shot, stinging heart.
Or what's left of it...
The days have eaten away that
vast and utter longing to stay here.
And now we want the freedom.
Our war here, never ending
always crashing, banging,
killing....
Then what?
Do we stay here? Our heavey shoulders
full of the burdens we carry.
Watching the world spin in the colors
we're most familiar with
of gray and hurt and laughter
subsiding into the cruel night.
No...we have to fight.
We have to stand, stand up and shout something
without fear of being shot.
We have to be willing to take the pain,
take the bullets, take
the losses...
I've been ready for a long time but now
I'm questioning what I can do.
Is this war really something worth fighting for?
Really worth all this effort and slaving
and pain it produces?
My answer is yes.
And this,
this is why I'm a soldier.
This is why I will march on.
Farther, and farther, and farther until
they can't see me anymore
and I'm gone.
I'm the one lying face down.
My bullet riddled chest, eyes wide, shock,
hand tight clasping my
shot, stinging heart.
Or what's left of it...
The days have eaten away that
vast and utter longing to stay here.
And now we want the freedom.
Our war here, never ending
always crashing, banging,
killing....
Then what?
Do we stay here? Our heavey shoulders
full of the burdens we carry.
Watching the world spin in the colors
we're most familiar with
of gray and hurt and laughter
subsiding into the cruel night.
No...we have to fight.
We have to stand, stand up and shout something
without fear of being shot.
We have to be willing to take the pain,
take the bullets, take
the losses...
I've been ready for a long time but now
I'm questioning what I can do.
Is this war really something worth fighting for?
Really worth all this effort and slaving
and pain it produces?
My answer is yes.
And this,
this is why I'm a soldier.
This is why I will march on.
Farther, and farther, and farther until
they can't see me anymore
and I'm gone.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Waiting
It's only a couple months, right?
And while you're so far away
your voice is right here every night.
It lulls me to sleep, and tells me
I love you. And don't worry
I'll be with you soon.
I believe you, I do.
But that doesn't keep me
from missing you
every morning and
every day and
every night.
And even though my heart
is heavy
and my eyes are tired,
I will stay up every night
just to here your voice until
you're here.
And while you're so far away
your voice is right here every night.
It lulls me to sleep, and tells me
I love you. And don't worry
I'll be with you soon.
I believe you, I do.
But that doesn't keep me
from missing you
every morning and
every day and
every night.
And even though my heart
is heavy
and my eyes are tired,
I will stay up every night
just to here your voice until
you're here.
Our War
We are now, as is, a warn torn world.
The desert sand stinging the eyes of youth
here and afar.
The bullets deflating chests
with last breaths and sighs.
The mothers tears and the fathers unheard cries.
And we forget.
We look onward to a screen filled with
tragic news, and heart break.
And as we stare we forget
the most important things sometimes.
Like the silent tears of our neighbors.
Those wars inside homes and
inside hearts.
They're being stung by bullets from the inside out.
Those starving, beaten, fallen.
They are crying, the dust falling
in their eyes.
But we....we don't notice
as we stare onward,
wishfully, but not rightfull thinking,
"We're safe. There's no war
around here."
The desert sand stinging the eyes of youth
here and afar.
The bullets deflating chests
with last breaths and sighs.
The mothers tears and the fathers unheard cries.
And we forget.
We look onward to a screen filled with
tragic news, and heart break.
And as we stare we forget
the most important things sometimes.
Like the silent tears of our neighbors.
Those wars inside homes and
inside hearts.
They're being stung by bullets from the inside out.
Those starving, beaten, fallen.
They are crying, the dust falling
in their eyes.
But we....we don't notice
as we stare onward,
wishfully, but not rightfull thinking,
"We're safe. There's no war
around here."
Friday, March 27, 2009
Artist's Skies
I dont think it's ever summer.
Not for the poets and their words
nor the artists and their pencils.
Not for the readers and their worlds
nor for the actors and their faces.
It's always some shade of winter,
in cold swirling grays.
Such a deceptive beauty sometimes
that makes you want to close your eyes
and dream to other times.
We don't choose such things in our lifetimes
but
we have our destinies thrust upon us.
And sometimes that means
we are artist and poets, or readers and actors.
Either way, we all know the same
gray sky
and how it can make you silent
even on
the loudest looking days.
Not for the poets and their words
nor the artists and their pencils.
Not for the readers and their worlds
nor for the actors and their faces.
It's always some shade of winter,
in cold swirling grays.
Such a deceptive beauty sometimes
that makes you want to close your eyes
and dream to other times.
We don't choose such things in our lifetimes
but
we have our destinies thrust upon us.
And sometimes that means
we are artist and poets, or readers and actors.
Either way, we all know the same
gray sky
and how it can make you silent
even on
the loudest looking days.
Song Inspiration 1: I'm Glad You Love Me
"You hold me baby, you hold me here tonight."
The song rings in my ears and
I let it. I let it
stay there so
I can think of you.
And how and why you do
all those things
for my benefit.
I, I'm just a crazy kid
with a heart too free
and dreams too big
for my handling.
But you somehow looked inside
and like magic you fell in love
with who I am.
I can't wait to hold your hand.
Together, us, here
and loving
just for who we are.
You have my heart, love,
you have my heart.
And I think I'm pretty sure
I have yours too.
And we promised forever, for now.
Maybe we will.
Maybe we won't.
But there here and nows say
you're here for me
and you love me
and I'm glad.
The song rings in my ears and
I let it. I let it
stay there so
I can think of you.
And how and why you do
all those things
for my benefit.
I, I'm just a crazy kid
with a heart too free
and dreams too big
for my handling.
But you somehow looked inside
and like magic you fell in love
with who I am.
I can't wait to hold your hand.
Together, us, here
and loving
just for who we are.
You have my heart, love,
you have my heart.
And I think I'm pretty sure
I have yours too.
And we promised forever, for now.
Maybe we will.
Maybe we won't.
But there here and nows say
you're here for me
and you love me
and I'm glad.
You and I
Let's just pretend,
from friend to friend,
that life's just perfect
where it's at.
Let's look back
on all these days
and all the ways
we got through things.
Always together
and we hardly ever
could stand to be apart.
Yeah, well, we made it.
You and I.
We got through those times
we had to cry.
And I was there and so were you.
Just you and I,
and me and you.
from friend to friend,
that life's just perfect
where it's at.
Let's look back
on all these days
and all the ways
we got through things.
Always together
and we hardly ever
could stand to be apart.
Yeah, well, we made it.
You and I.
We got through those times
we had to cry.
And I was there and so were you.
Just you and I,
and me and you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)