I'm through accepting limits...

"'Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.'
-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7"

"Well if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost..."

If they are supposed to love me, and they say they do, and I want to believe them, then why can I not? Because love is supposed to be unconditional. And not easily angered....
And if her love and their love is a love based on my actions. Based on if I do what makes them happy or what they want, and is angered when I dont, then how can I force myself to believe in a love like that? Because to my head, it needs to exist. But to my heart it isn't so. It doesn't protect and boasts more than I can handle. So what now? I have so long and so so hard tried to make myself believe that her love and their love was true. Moments like these change it all though.

"Too late for second guessing. Too late to go back to sleep. It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes, and leap. It's time to trying defying gravity..."

I won't second guess this this time. I won't go to sleep convincing myself that I'm the one at fault and have to keep bettering who I am! My instincts are telling me peace is in the other direction. That this life where I am constantly telling myself I'm not doing good enough to make them happy and that it's my fault is not the life my heart wants. So I'll let myself defy gravity this time. I will let myself believe what I never have, and I will let my heart fly where it has never been before. Because it needs to be where it was meant to be.

"And you can't bring me down..."

I won't let them. This is my dream. And it was never too big to believe in.

It's time to trust my instincts...

Something has changed within me.
Something is not the same.
I'm through with playing by
the rules of someone else's game.
Too late for second guessing.
Too late to go back to sleep.
It's time to trust my instincts,
close my eyes,
and leap....

It's time to try defying gravity.
I think I'll try defying gravity.
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity
and you won't bring me down.

I'm through accepting limits
cause someone says they're so.
Some things I cannot change,
but till I try I'll never know.
Too long I've been afraid of
losing love I guess I've lost.
Well if that's love,
it comes at much too high a cost...

I'd sooner buy defying gravity.
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity.
I think I'll try defying gravity.
And you won't bring me down.

I think I'll try defying gravity...

[Yeah, I think I'm going to. It wasn't them that held me back and tied me down all along was it? It was me. And if it was me then I can change it. I CAN CHANGE IT! And they cannot tell me who I am or how I work. They can say what they want, but words are only words. And my words hold so much power. I don't know where I changed. I'm still the same, but my hope is much stronger. My heart is much larger, and I am so much braver. I am through accepting limits. I am through accepting their limits. I am through of being so put down for the way I think and the years I own to. Because my mind works in wonderful ways and I own to so many years more inside my heart than my body gives me credit for. God made me unique, and he gave me more gifts than I know how to handle. But I AM mature. And the more they say I'm not, the less I have been. But I can show them what is real. And although I know I have screamed it and screamed it till I threw up from exhaustion, maybe I should listen to my own words: "We lose all and learn nothing if we forget how to listen." Maybe I should listen too. And maybe I should show them within the silence, not tell them. I am me, and I always will be. And I'm about to defy gravity in the moments I have waited for for so long. So are you coming with me? Because we could defy gravity together. We could show them what the stars look like. And they can't bring us down.]

We wish sometimes in thought, randomly.

It was like a letter...
I wrote it, in black and white...but why?
WHY?
I keep asking myself and you'd think that myself
would answer myself.
But no. And not. And never.
I wasn't meant for this
or for them.
But for higher purposes
and ellusive dreams.
I said once nothings as it seems.
Was I right?
Can you answer my questions instead?
Because obviously the answers aren't in my own head.
I'm tired, okay?
Although I will still listen.
And I will still hold up your world. Let it glisten.
But mines turning black again.
Read in September.
You'll see where I was.
If you think, you'll remember.
And though I'm not really there yet
I know where I'm heading.
And I dread it more than anything.
Please, don't let it get in.
Not again. Not ever.
I'm still here holding on.
Too afraid to ask or fall
because I have your heart.
So I won't. I'll keep standing.
But I'm tired and exhausted.
I need you
for one day
to come back and hold my heart
like you used to.
Please,
before you disappeared.

I wonder...

Did you know that I wish I knew?
Every thought and word and feeling...
You can hear much farther than I can, and sometimes
I wonder what would happen
if I could too.
Maybe,
maybe I could stop all that is wrong.
Or maybe...
I'd destroy everything that held together.
Part of me wishes I knew.
So so much.
But part of me
will never want to take that chance
if it'll risk hurting you.

The Final Divide, and Goodbye.

Was it you that built up this last great divide?
Or was it them?
Or maybe...was it I?
The words I'd wish you hear
you will not and will never.
I can see the last sentence
although you claimed forever.
But surely, I'd like to know
where the road here is going.
I'm lost here and stumbling
and its cold. But not snowing.
Is this now the last fell swoop of the axe
that cut out your heart
and cut into my back?
Or will we stand up maybe
just one more time.
One more trek for good measure.
One more word
One more rhyme
But why waste it with measure
when I know it must close?
Surely you must understand
since you're sure that you know.
And if you were trying to tear down
the trees in the wood
then you accomplished your mission.
But it wasn't for good.
You destroyed half a city
with your angry ambission.
I hope that you're happy
on your angry volition.
Can't say I won't be worried.
Or love still. Or care.
Or lie awake wondering if
my little brothers still there.
But the sunset still comes and I knew someday too
this would also come. But I wished, not with you.
Because I do not want this.
I do not want an ending.
But I cannot keep listening to the blatant pretending.
I am sorry more than these words
can ever let you know.
I am sorry. And I'm broken.
But you're the one
who let go.