Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

I'd rather be the volunteer.

You know, the one sitting on the other end of the screen

typing out the words that will intervene

and save a life.

What a sad desire to think about.

Why? Well simply put

I'm usually on the other end of

such a deeply feeling spectrum.

For all the times I try to help

I ask for it ten-fold.

I've been the one begging

for a scrap of hope to hang onto.

And although I want so bad

to be able to reach out and pull people

back onto the tides of sanity

I still haven't learned how to swim well.

I doubt they'd let me try.

My head's just not there yet.

Yeah...

I've let all this consume and shape my beliefs in myself.

What have I become?

I am both the victim

and the offender.

Pick me up again.

I need it.

A Fragile Attempt At Feeling

Okay. This isn't gonna be a poem. I need to write down exactly how this feels without fancy words so I can remember it's probably not real. I only feel like this sometimes. And I don't know if I'm just being a stupid emotional girl or if it's my meds not working, but either way I have to get it to go away. Honestly I'd rather be numb. I'd rather feel anything but this. It hurts but at the same time its just emotional debilitation. I have no reason to care about anything because everything feels hopeless. I feel like a bad person. I feel unlovable. I feel unimportant. Who the hell ever said I was important anyways? What would make me so special? I always expect someone to save me like it's some fucking fairy tale and every time I get let down. I fall harder than before, and I hurt worse, and I remember this is actually reality. Every time I get hurt I scream on the inside, and smile on the outside. But if you asked me to smile tonight I couldn't because it would be the most fake thing in the world. And it would hurt. I hurt so bad I can't think straight. It's never actually come outside of me. I've never cried my hurt out. I can feel my eyes tearing up right now, but I won't cry. I can't do it. I don't know why. Maybe this isn't even all the hurt. Maybe I've tried so hard to be numb, but it's so painful, that I'm numb to half of it and don't even know it. And if I tried to feel everything all at once I'd break into so many pieces my heart would stop. This all sounds so trivial though. I can't even express how I feel without it sounding like a bunch of angsty teenage bullshit. Maybe that's all its come to at this point. A bunch of bullshit. And who the fuck would wanna care about that? Maybe that's why I don't get saved. I'm not as important as I'd like to think. To anyone. And I am entirely unlovable. Who in their right mind would want to take care of something this broken and ugly?

I wouldn't.

Blunt Enough

There's no reason for this to come on so suddenly.

I'm always so ellusive, but right now I'll try not to be.

I needed my medication bad tonight.

As blunt as I've ever been, it almost feels

wrong....

But I need to let it out.

I need to tell anyone who will hear me

and no one at the same time.

I feel completely unlovable.

And who could love someone

so completely broken inside?

Maybe that's why I was meant to be

forever alone in my head

like I've always been.

Each time it happens I think

"What would happen if it all just ended

in one swift motion?"

But no, I can't think like that.

I won't. I swear. It's not me.

But at the same time....it is.

It's why everyone leaves because

they all look me in the eye and say

"Sorry. I don't know how to help you."

So, on nights like tonight,

I am left here alone

secluding myself from the world

because I know nobody wants to deal

with me.

I don't even want to deal with me.

I want to be numb.

LETTER!

Dear blogspot,

the hell of all blogging sites

which for some reason I just happened

to pick to write on...

Why the hell are you

putting

AW K WAR DD

SP

A CES

at the beginnings

of all

my goddamn

poems?

Please give me an answer.

Thanks bunches.

You're sorta friend, but not really,

only cause all my writings on here....

....Kaya.

Prove Me Right, I Dare You

Confirm my thoughts, please.

Tell me that I'm just a silly girl

for thinking there's anything here for me.

That you, of all people, would have any place

in your world

for a head like this one.

Tell me my words aren't as bold

and strong

and colorful as I think they are

and that they do far less magic

than I hoped.

Scream at me that I am just

a headstrong idealist

who will one day spiral

downward

until reality finds me flat on my face.

Unless, of course,

you think otherwise

and can prove me right.

Where I Live

Reality seems like an awfully tough place to live.

There's always love, yeah, there's that.

But it couples with violence and hurt.

The attrition of the world is starkly vibrant there

compared to where I live

in the back of my mind.

There's an imagination inside me.

Could be argued it's clouding my view

but I'd like to admit

it's coloring it, rather.

My world is alive in the most

beautiful shades of joy.

And sure the realists may tell me

you can't always live in your own

imagined ideals.

But why live in reality

if I don't have to?

I like it here.

Tell Me First, For My Heart

I want you to tell me first.

I want you to confirm the same thing I'm dying to say.

But I can't say it before you

because my heart's too tired.

I've reached that point where I want to

fall into someones arms

and cry

and follow it all up with love and smiles.

It's been all too much lately.

And without you I would've been so lost.

You don't even know how much

you've held me together.

I'm not holding back the feelings.

But because I'm so afraid

of everything shattering to pieces

like it always has

I want you to say it first.

So I can know its true

and not just some silly dream in the head

of a girl who's not quite ready

to face adulthood.

My heart's been through too much to speak up yet.

Speak up for me

and lift the doubts I have

that I could be loved by anyone ever again.

Prove me wrong.

Say the words.

How It All Works

The hours count to midnight while I'm staring at the stars.

Everything in between us is just miles, and homes, and cars.

I can't keep sitting here waiting while you find out who you are...

If you trust me, then together, you won't find it out alone.

You can find out who you are in safety. Your heart can have a home.

You're so afraid of being hurting you're trying on your own...

But life's a journey built for two. It's always been that way.

When you fall down, I'll help you through. I hope you'll do the same.

And when we fail, its just a lesson. No one is to blame...

Let's please take a chance and do this one right.

I know my heart's not ready for another fight.

C'mon and grab my hand here. We can be eachother's light...

So Many Questions

Back in the days of make believe and playgrounds

I smiled because the sun was shining

and I was inevitably alive.

Now I smile just to see the faces of others

light up like a lamp in the night.

I smile because its the polite thing to do.

And sometimes I still smile

out of the pure joy of a beautiful life.

When you're around, my face lights up.

Otherwise now though, you're losing me.

A while back, when it first started,

I regarded you as an axis to my world.

But it spun to fast, and while you kept going

I was falling off.

Each misstep I point out

you apologize away.

I've been forgiving you over and over.

We fight, I hurt, you hurt, and then you apologize.

The feelings have been recycled by now.

I want to believe that the beauty inside you

can permanently be painted onto your life.

I want to trust that you'll pull yourself together

and start acting like the gentleman you can be.

But your world is so unstable.

My mind is unstable too.

I can't have my world that way. I need stability

or I will break.

You know I will. You've seen it.

I have two options. I can jump ship and swim

far away. Forget this ever happened.

Or I can stay in this cycle or sickness

waiting for small moments of joy.

You have all the options in the world in your hands.

You have a fragile and beautiful young girl

that needs you to take care sometimes

to care.

You can blink and change everything.

But you haven't...not yet.

What are you going to do

if you really, truly love her?