Drifting

It's the beginning of a bigger journey
and I feel nothing but peace.
Like the feeling of sleep beginning to drift over
But it wakes me up.
And you are the sun
Always, you are shining
I can feel the light that I was always looking for
emanating from your chest.
And you are the embodiment
of all things good I had hope for.
I know now why that past put itself in ruins.
I was so stubborn and set in my ways.
I was missing something bigger.
It was a journey my heart has long gone without
I felt it missing. It was like a hole
shot straight through my chest.
I still feel it.
But it's filling up.
Every minute of every day it is growing smaller.
I had to wait. I know that now.
Good things don't jump into your hands.
They drift up on you like the tides.
Sometimes you just have to wait.

Privileges of the Mentally Well

Mental wellness privilege means never having anyone ask if you've taken your medications.

Mental wellness privilege means not having to set a reminder to take your medications every day.

Mental wellness privilege means not having people constantly ask you if everything is okay.

Mental wellness privilege means not having people automatically assume you are insane just because of your mental illness.

Mental wellness privilege means not having to be afraid people will find out you're mentally ill because that's taboo to talk about.

Mental wellness privilege means not having parents be afraid of having you around their kids.

Mental wellness privilege means being able to go anywhere for the night without having to stop home and make sure you have all of your medication.

Mental wellness privilege means not having to endure offensive jokes about "crazy people".

Mental wellness privilege means never having people assume you are also mentally retarded or slow just because you are mentally ill.

Mental wellness privilege means being able to be a contributing member to society without others worrying you won't be able to function in it properly.

Mental wellness privilege means being able to go anywhere or do anything without first making sure it isn't a "trigger".

Mental wellness privilege means not having to explain yourself to your workplace because your drug tests came back positive due to your psychiatric drugs.

Mental wellness privilege means never having people question your firm decisions and judge them as impulses.

Mental wellness privilege means not having to worry people will view you as lesser or in-human.

Mental wellness privilege is never having to be afraid people will tell you you're faking your illness or can overcome it in your own because thu can't "see" your illness.

Mental wellness privilege means never having to worry you will be treated like a criminal in government settings just because of your psychiatric history.

Mental wellness privilege means not having people assume you are an unfit parent.

Mental wellness privilege means being able to live independently without others constantly worrying you won't be financially responsible.

Mental wellness privilege means not having to worry you might struggle socially to keep up with your peers.

Mental wellness privilege means not having to be required to have a doctors clearance to do certain activities like driving.

Am I sure?

I don't know why it's so hard just to be blunt with my own feelings.

Do I like the person I've become?

Well, mostly.

Mostly.

Subtle Respites

My respite consists of solitary confinement.

Withing the walls of my brain I have build

a concrete cell.

I wouldn't say I take comfort there.

It's hard to find comfort in the cold and stone.

But I am safe, at least.

And I tuck away the feeling.

To the world I am brave.

Maybe I am.

Or maybe I'm a coward.

But I know I keep myself going.

I am fueled by my passion for

keeping the world going.

I tell them, "I've got your back. I've got everyone's back."

And mostly I do.

And mostly I can handle it.

The refuge and distraction provides a safety.

I can push aside my closet-monsters and fires

and refocus on a different trial.

But still they ask, "What happens when you can't?"

Well, I asked too.

And I answered.

And it never happens.

And that's my fatal flaw.

My heart was made too big for my chest.

I have learned a compassion too big for my mind.

Sure, someday maybe it'll kill me.

But I know far more that it's saved me thus far.

So why worry?

Why?

I Was An Arsonist

It started out with the lick of a flame

Caught a spark and in the dark

Engulfed and swallowed every part 

Who is the one to blame?

Well I was just a kid, I know.

But still I couldn't bare to see

The entire life that I'd amassed

burn to ashes right in front of me.

And as the flames challenged my breath

I realized I had nothing left 

I turned and ran

And ran, and ran

Away

They said the only sounds they heard

Were crumbling foundations

Unintellable words

But I know what they said. And that makes it worse.

The purest part of who id been

Was locked inside a broken room

It burned to ashes in minutes or less.

My hiding place became my tomb.

And I could see the flames challenge my breath

I realized I had nothing left

I turned and ran

And ran, and ran

Away

When a new sun came it cast a light 

On dust and ash and disarray

I knew they'd find what was in my mind

But still I had nothing to say

The man in black called me into the room

Pulled the covers back and asked if I knew who.

I stared into a lifeless, young me

But told him I had never seen.

Then years and years rolled slowly by.

What was left had all been blown away.

So I pretended nothing had ever been.

If it was never lost, it's all okay.

But we can't cover up the grief forever.

When pieces die and ties are severed

We can try to pretend all that we desire

But it's hard to cover up death in a fire.

I'd hoped to forget a mess of a past. 

Burned it down in a moment hoping memories couldn't last.

And everytime someone asked about why I wouldn't say

I'd just smile and tell them

That I was okay.

But the flames that night had challenged my breath.

Burned down all of my youth.

There was nothing left.

So I turned and ran and ran away.

But I should've looked on back that day.

I'd have seen myself burning down too.

The fire burnt me all the way through.

And that's not a hole you can pretend isn't real.

But I haven't decided

If I'm ready to feel.

So I just keep running.

I will run and run and run 

Away.

I'm still running away.