This One's My Sincerety

Anymore I really suck at writing poetry. The words come and they seem so stupid and cliched that I can't even take them fully seriously myself, even though they are. So I'll write this direct. And I'm writing it to you. Because I owe you an apology. I've never done anything tremendous in your favor, but you've saved and redirected my life. I'm not sure if you know that. But I'd be in a very different place if I hadn't met you. You're the best friend I've had in all my life. I know I say that all the time, but its because I don't know how else to tell you. I just want you to know it always. Lately, I haven't been a great friend back. I know that. When you mentioned we needed to talk, it all occurred to me at that moment why you were upset. Why I didn't see it before that moment, I'm not sure. Can you forgive me? I've been distant and inattentive and stupid. Just plain stupid. I got so caught up in my own life that I forgot it included some of the most important people that have ever been in it. And then I let a really stupid boy take over any time I had left, and any attention I had to spare. He wasn't even worth it. Not for a moment. Yeah, I should have taken your advice. You were right. You told me so. I didn't listen. I'm stubborn and strong headed, and that's something I always will need to work on. I need to listen to other people. Because a lot of the time, you know me better than I do. If I could go back and start the situation over, I would. But I can't. So I need to move on, and learn to listen.
Lately, I have missed you. It may not seem like it, but I have. You have no idea how many nights I felt alone through all the mess I was in, and just wanted to run over to you and have you hug me really tight and tell me it was all going to be okay. I want things to be like that again. I want it more than anything. I miss my bro. Hell, I'm getting all teary eyed writing this. I know you deserve a better best friend. I have no idea why you chose me. But I'm glad you did. Who else would put up with my crazy head?
I've asked you to forgive me way too many times. I've apologized because you were right and I didn't listen more than I should. And I don't deserve your forgiveness or your attention most of the time. But I'm asking for it again. I should have been there for you more this past month. I should have called you up and found time to be around you. I should have listened and cared and acted like a best friend should. And I'm very sorry. I don't want to lose you bro. That would break me. It would break me into pieces, and I couldn't recover from that. You're amazing. You know that? Losing you would be like having the sun die. The whole world would die with it. I know it'd break you too.
You're still the only one I tell all my secrets to. You're still the one who knows me better than anybody else. And I want to keep it that way. Yeah, she's my friend now. But our friendship is so casual and I don't see it becoming more than that. I can't talk to her like I talk to you. I can't stay up late nights and admit my mistakes to her. Never will be able to.
So please, forgive me? I miss you terribly. I want my bro back close like we were. It scares me that you're upset like that. But I can promise that if you don't want to lose me, you won't. Because I don't want to lose you. You know that. I can't lose you. I love you. You're the best friend I've ever had. And anything I've done to risk that, I'm sorry for. But I really miss you.
Let's go back to where we were before.

Idk.

Apologies mean nothing coming from me.
Not anymore.
I know, somewhere a while ago
I stopped acting the way I should have.
I am sorry and
it hurts me.
But it hurt you too.
Sometimes I get caught up trying to do
what I think I should
instead of what I know.
I just wish I could pull my heart right out of my chest
and show you how heavy it is right now.
But maybe if you could hear me out somehow,
then please, just know
that I can't stand to lose you.
I never wanted to make you mad
or hurt, or angry, or alone, or sad,
but I failed in some points.
I know what I've done.
I seem to mess up a lot.
I keep asking you to forgive.
And I know I could be stronger
and braver
and pick of the pieces of my life.
I could be more put together
and smarter
and wiser.
I could make life more simple
if I really wanted.
But that would entail I would stop being me.
That's not someone I want to be.
But if I hurt you or offend you
or I do something wrong,
please just always tell me.
It seems to never take long
before I mess something up.
I know you're still here.
I don't want to push you away,
but there's always that fear
that one day I'll do something
that you cannot forgive.
That you'll get angry and I'll lose you.
That's not something I can live with.
I keep rambling and promising
and wandering through life,
and I know its not much when I tell you that I
am enormously grateful for the times you've been there.
But I am.
And if you need me,
well I'm not going anywhere.

If It Means Something to You...

When I stopped writing it was because I found a life
outside this box of words I'd put myself in.
I'd found you and you showed me the world.
I found color I never knew even existed.
There was a past I was afraid of,
and a future I was afraid would be just the same.
Don't you know what you did?
I think I've told you so many times.
You gave me a picture of a future that was different.
You took the fear off my shoulders and gave me a place to rest.
You helped me live again.
Slowly I'm learning to live with all the stupid shit I've done.
Yeah, slowly I'm learning to move on.
And if there's one thing that's been drilled into my head
its that nothing ever stays the same.
But you're staying here, and so am I,
and that's something to rely on.
Sometimes I forget that I should be thankful.
I'm sorry if it came off that I no longer cared.
See, I keep getting caught up in the life that I've found
and forgetting that moving too fast in this world
never got a girl anywhere she wanted to be.
You know I'm always gonna be right here.
And if I get turned around, just tap me on the shoulder.
I'm growing up, and shaping up, and I know you are too.
But we're growing up together.
We were kids and now we're not, but sometimes
we still laugh like we are.
Let's not forget how to do that.
I know I could work on a lot of things.
I know I've been running all my life.
But I'm learning to slow down.
Everything that I'm made of,
every single fiber of my being,
has been affected by my knowing you.
If I could show you in a million colors in a picture
what I used to be inside, compared to now,
I would.
It would be two such opposing views.
No one would believe it was still me.
There's always going to be a reason to thank you.
So trust me, when I tell you
you can't ever be replaced.
You are important.
You are irreplaceable.
And you're the best damn friend
anyone could ever have.