Subjective Views On Life

There's a song buried deep inside my soul.

I still hear it everywhere I go.

But I've forgotten how to sing.

Can you teach me again, please?

There's a song, aching to be heard.

I want to paint the world again

like I did when I was younger.

Life can't turn over backwards

but no one said that I couldn't.

Take what I have and find my voice.

When I lost it, I think it was a choice.

I was so afraid someone would hear my song

and know my heart like no one's done for so long.

But I'll sing for you when I finally find

the voice that I've buried deep inside.

These shoes know where I should be going.

I'll slip into their lives every day.

They dictate now the way that I'm walking.

I haven't a clue what I'm supposed to say.

See, I stopped writing cause I was afraid

that my heart was still fragile, and that yeah, it was made

with a hole in it to big to fill.

I thought that was something I needed to kill.

So I lost all sight of where I should have been.

Lost the world and my mind along with my friend.

Then it snowed every time I just started to cry.

I'm just too broken to let you see my eyes.

And at this point, I'm sure you'll be here all the time.

Every note, every lyric, every word, every rhyme,

has brought me to a place where I'm fighting a life

that's never given me much, but at least I'm alive.

I thought that my feet had been weighing me down

but it was just an excuse not to turn things around.

And when you see me crying, pick me up in your arms.

Tell me the world's alright and you mean me no harm

and then hold me until I'm exhausted from crying.

If I say I'm alright, well you'll know that I'm lying.

See all this time I'd been trying to be human and real

without remember it's completely human to feel.

The way that I acted was going alright

but somewhere along the way I lost sight

of the fact that its okay to show the world you're down.

Well I'm definitely down here , bout ready to drown.

I'm just holding onto you and whats left of my world.

I know it sounds silly, but I'm still a silly little girl.

I've got a lot left to grow up and a lot left to learn

but I'm thinking that now its about time for my turn

to live and to love and be perfectly real

and show myself I'm still human

and it's okay

to feel.

Guilty Conscience

Of course I regret it.

The feelings emanating from his chest

were enough to knock him over.

Of course I didn't tell you.

I'm not sure if I was angry

at his miscalculated reactions

or also just a little jealous.

But he's more than sorry.

Maybe...Probably, really,

you should know that.

He's upset beyond reasoning

at this point.

The kids in tears on the inside,

and yeah, of course I feel guilty.

I could feel it building up all along.

I shoulda stopped and spoke up.

I could have saved him the pain.

But it happens all the time, friend.

I could save a lot of peoples pain.

I let so much guilt ride on my shoulders.

It's really not my fault.

After all, if I was normal

I wouldn't even know

what was going on.

Sunlight

Sometimes,

when I think of you

this image gets burned into my mind.

Like some kind of fantastical dream

I can see the could be's and what if's

and I love them all.

Not, of course,

as much as I love you.

Did I say that? Yeah...

Yeah, I did.

And it's probably always obvious now.

You delight me with your presence.

You are a sun to my world.

Without you,

all would be dark.

Yeah...

Don't try to wake me up even if the sun really does come out tomorrow

Don't believe anything I say anymore.

With downcast eyes, there's more to living than being alive.

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Truths

Trying to find the words now is like trying to run through a fog. I can run for a while, but I don't know where to go. I keep stumbling and falling, and having to start over. And finally, when I realize I'm lost, it's too late to go back.

What's in the very deepest fault lines of my heart is too much to reach your ears. It's enough to make the world cave in. I don't think I could handle that right now. My feelings are irrevocable, and in turn the world is caving in. I will hold it up for now. But someday I'll need sleep. I know the day I rest, it will all fall on top of me. I will be crushed by it's weight. Nobody is here to hold it up for me. Not right now.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm stranded in the middle of the ocean, and as much as I cry out, nobody can ever hear me. I am lost and alone, so I've stopped yelling. I forgot how. I forgot how to not be alone.

I've stopped worrying that people will read this whom I don't want to. Cause even the people I want to don't read it. Why keep yelling at deaf ears?

I am made of glass. And every time I fall it cracks a little. I am full of chips and cracks and I've been breaking all my life. I don't know how to fix it.

I don't remember how to ask for help. And I don't remember how not to be terrified of getting help.

I need to get away and I want you to come with me.

You are the only person I've been able to love for a long time this much.

My love is always stronger than it's reciprocated. I'm only hurting myself.

I want to disappear.

I love you more than I should.

I want to give you the world.

I'm keeping on keeping cause you want me to.

That puts too much burden on your shoulders. I am more than sorry.

When you hold me the world feels okay for just a moment.

It means more to you than it does to me.

I hate myself for letting it mean anything, but I don't want that to stop you from holding me ever again.

I need held. No one else will hold me.

I can't break again. I am so so afraid.

I am so sorry for putting this on your shoulders.

I need to cry but I'm afraid of crying in front of you. I don't know why. I feel like maybe it'd break you a little too I guess, and all I want is to make you happy.

I don't want you to feel guilty ever, because you're not using me.

Knowing you makes me feel a little better.

I hate being so lost.

I have so many thoughts you'd hate me for. Not thoughts about you, thoughts about darker times and things. I don't act on them, but I want to.

My life is becoming muddled by my quest for being okay. Because I can't be.

I stopped living for myself a long time ago. I don't remember how.

I need you like I need air.

"Oh my God, I think I'm lost at sea. These silent waves are my company."

It snows in my vision again nowadays. I want to live there alone. I want to die there.

I don't know where I am.

I am terrified of the future.

I am even more terrified of losing you.

You have secured a place in my heart forever.

I would give everything for a day to call you mine.

I know it will never happen. I shouldn't want what I can't have.

I miss him but I don't think things can ever be the same.

I don't like losing brothers.

I think I only ever had them as brothers because I needed guidance.

I still need guidance.

I still feel like a little kid.

Everything I feel seems like a lie. Sometimes I tell myself it is.

I want you to come hold me until I cry because I need to cry for a long, long time.

I'm breaking again.

Don't let me fall.

I love you.

I am so afraid.

And John Green can describe my inner most feeling...s

“And then something invisible snapped insider her, and that which had come together commenced to fall apart.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

“You like someone who can't like you back because unrequited love can be survived in a way that once-requited love cannot. ”
― John Green, Will Grayson, Will Grayson

“I wanted to be one of those people who have streaks to maintain, who scorch the ground with their intensity. But for now, at least I knew such people, and they needed me, just like comets need tails.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

“I'm not saying that everything is survivable. Just that everything except the last thing is.”
― John Green, Paper Towns

“Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia. (...) You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

“You can love someone so much...But you can never love people as much as you can miss them.”
― John Green

“Thomas Edison's last words were 'It's very beautiful over there'. I don't know where there is, but I believe it's somewhere, and I hope it's beautiful.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

“When adults say, "Teenagers think they are invincible" with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

“The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

“Before I got here, I thought for a long time that the way out of the labyrinth was to pretend that it did not exist, to build a small, self-sufficient world in the back corner of the endless maze and to pretend that i was not lost, but home.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

“I feel like my life is so scattered right now. Like it's all the small pieces of paper and someone's turned on the fan. But, talking to you makes me feel like the fan's been turned off for a little bit. Like things could actually make sense. You completely unscatter me, and I appreciate that so much.”
― John Green, Will Grayson, Will Grayson

“How do you just stop being terrified of getting left behind and ending up by yourself forever and not meaning anything to the world?”
― John Green, An Abundance of Katherines

If people could see me the way I see myself - if they could live in my memories - would anyone love me?”
― John Green, An Abundance of Katherines

“As much as life can suck, it always beats the alternative.”
― John Green, Paper Towns

This Is My Reasoning

Sometimes I wonder what would happen

if, in this moment,

everything just ended abruptly.

You'd be pissed.

They'd all cry.

And the world would keep on turning.

The flowers would bloom, then wilt with the leaves

and winter would come on in again.

But then, as I'm thinking,

my heart remembers

that with each passing season

you'd lose a little of yourself

and a few more tears.

I just can't do that.

And so I don't.

Continual Movement

We are judgement from the day of birth.

We define our moments by others.

Things become so increasingly trivial.

Life goes on.

Life goes on.

An Oncoming Collision With Earth

That light of life flickers in and out of my eyes.

Sometimes, I don't know

if I'm awake or asleep. And

I mean that metaphorically.

Life is tough. We all know that.

Sometimes, I don't wanna be here.

Not in life, I mean, but here. Where I am.

I drift in and out.

You're watching it happen.

But, for the first time, you don't feel helpless.

The watchers of me always run away.

Why haven't you?
I'm a feeble minded traveler.

I give up so abruptly, then find strength out of

a pin drop.

Save me?

Why do I even ask that?

Everyone has the same answer.

Everyone else is looking for an answer.

Not for me. For them.

I will forever be the third person, second place,

the after-thought, the sidekick,

the lost one...

Sometimes I'm sick of it.

Sometimes I'm just sick.

I don't ask you to save me, not out-right.

But I'm begging you to watch my eyes.

The lights flickering out of them more frequently.

I'm holding on with an ever loosening grip.

No, I'm not gonna yell if I fall.

I'm just gonna fall.

But before it gets there...

Will you notice?