Truths

Trying to find the words now is like trying to run through a fog. I can run for a while, but I don't know where to go. I keep stumbling and falling, and having to start over. And finally, when I realize I'm lost, it's too late to go back.

What's in the very deepest fault lines of my heart is too much to reach your ears. It's enough to make the world cave in. I don't think I could handle that right now. My feelings are irrevocable, and in turn the world is caving in. I will hold it up for now. But someday I'll need sleep. I know the day I rest, it will all fall on top of me. I will be crushed by it's weight. Nobody is here to hold it up for me. Not right now.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm stranded in the middle of the ocean, and as much as I cry out, nobody can ever hear me. I am lost and alone, so I've stopped yelling. I forgot how. I forgot how to not be alone.

I've stopped worrying that people will read this whom I don't want to. Cause even the people I want to don't read it. Why keep yelling at deaf ears?

I am made of glass. And every time I fall it cracks a little. I am full of chips and cracks and I've been breaking all my life. I don't know how to fix it.

I don't remember how to ask for help. And I don't remember how not to be terrified of getting help.

I need to get away and I want you to come with me.

You are the only person I've been able to love for a long time this much.

My love is always stronger than it's reciprocated. I'm only hurting myself.

I want to disappear.

I love you more than I should.

I want to give you the world.

I'm keeping on keeping cause you want me to.

That puts too much burden on your shoulders. I am more than sorry.

When you hold me the world feels okay for just a moment.

It means more to you than it does to me.

I hate myself for letting it mean anything, but I don't want that to stop you from holding me ever again.

I need held. No one else will hold me.

I can't break again. I am so so afraid.

I am so sorry for putting this on your shoulders.

I need to cry but I'm afraid of crying in front of you. I don't know why. I feel like maybe it'd break you a little too I guess, and all I want is to make you happy.

I don't want you to feel guilty ever, because you're not using me.

Knowing you makes me feel a little better.

I hate being so lost.

I have so many thoughts you'd hate me for. Not thoughts about you, thoughts about darker times and things. I don't act on them, but I want to.

My life is becoming muddled by my quest for being okay. Because I can't be.

I stopped living for myself a long time ago. I don't remember how.

I need you like I need air.

"Oh my God, I think I'm lost at sea. These silent waves are my company."

It snows in my vision again nowadays. I want to live there alone. I want to die there.

I don't know where I am.

I am terrified of the future.

I am even more terrified of losing you.

You have secured a place in my heart forever.

I would give everything for a day to call you mine.

I know it will never happen. I shouldn't want what I can't have.

I miss him but I don't think things can ever be the same.

I don't like losing brothers.

I think I only ever had them as brothers because I needed guidance.

I still need guidance.

I still feel like a little kid.

Everything I feel seems like a lie. Sometimes I tell myself it is.

I want you to come hold me until I cry because I need to cry for a long, long time.

I'm breaking again.

Don't let me fall.

I love you.

I am so afraid.