Lies Bipolar Tells Me

I can feel an episode come on like a slow wave on the horizon
and I am the sand.
I know its gonna wash over me, and eventually
it will recede with the tide.
But for now? I'm terrified.
These are the lies my brain is telling me:
You are annoying. Stop talking so much.
Nobody wants to hear about your problems.
People have other things to do than talk to you.
You are ultimately alone.
Everyone isn't gonna be there for you all the time.
Suck it up. Stop it. You can if you try.
You're the bad guy. You hurt people.
You're ugly and stupid.
There's nothing exceptional about you.
You're broken.
You're going to be alone forever.
You've lost your way with words.
You're exhausting to be around.
Stop trying. Stop talking. Stop.
Just.
Stop.
I want it to stop flickering through my mind.
I don't want to believe any of those things.
Sometimes though, I do.
Sometimes, like now, I do.
It's all too easy
to feel alone in the world.

The Heart Rambles

All of my self is
unabashedly enamored with
your eyes,
your smile,
your mind and heart,
and the way your face looks when
you laugh.
I have always been one
who's just stepping through shadows
silent.
The words drop from my fingertips
but none fall from my mouth.
I knew that you knew.
You saw my eyes.
But how can I compete
with the light
emanating from your life?
I never wanted a typical relationship.
I didn't know what I wanted.
Not, at least,
until last night.
Sometimes when we speak
the words that need spoken,
even we are surprised at them.
You know my heart as if
I had handed you the movie script.
How? I'll leave that to guess, but
I'm glad.
No,
I'm more than that.
I'm elated.
We sat and we talked
and the words you uttered
darted straigh towards my heart,
too.
But inside I'm small.
I'm shy. I am
afraid.
Maybe sometimes, you are too.
But you spoke light to my mind.
I know I cannot keep you forever.
Rebound is such a shitty word
to descsribe my feelings.
This thing, that yet I cannot name
is better than that.
Sometimes all I need
is a touch, a hug,
the closeness.
Friend, it's not a lie to say I'm
in love.
But it's different.
I know someday this won't be able
to happen.
I'm aware of all
the implications.
But for now?
Well, can I please just
curl up with you?
We can revel in the moment.
We can remind each other
that we are never alone.
We will never be.
We have each other. And while the
definition of our love may change,
it will never go away.
You saw my eyes. You always do.
Aching to kiss--
...aching to hug you goodbye.
My words are so much more bold
than I've ever been.
I will work on it.
We will work on this.
And no matter what happens
we will have each other
forever,
and in whatever capacity
we both need.
But in all honesty,
if we are about telling the truth,
I know I cannot keep you,
but if you could be mine,
for a moment,
It would be the loveliest thing
that has happened since
I met you.

Daydream

Your mind has been on mine all day.
I retreated inside my head
and entertained my "what ifs".
It's a dangerous and addicting thing to do.
It's like a drug.
I'm overwhelmed, but
this time in a good way.
I don't mean to seem impatient.
It's just that
the universe
has this undeniable tug
pulling me in your direction.
Your eyes are full of wonder.
I find myself wondering
what's inside.
I find myself dreaming
ways that we talk,
ways that we see,
ways that we
love.
Don't tell me anything
that I don't wanna hear.
Don't tell me yet.
Just give me a little bit
to keep living in my dreams.
You can live in them with me,
I mean,
you already
kind of
do.