Second Chance Words

These words were dying, but you brought them back.

One word for every moment I've lacked

the words to say to tell you why

I won't always let you catch my eye.

It sounds cliched, but the past has claws

that reach out here and find my flaws.

I'm afraid that if you look to deep

you'll find out why. And you won't sleep.

I'm not a saint. I'm the farthest from

anything God keeps close in His kingdom.

But I still try to save them all.

You wouldn't imagine how much I fall.

I spend more time staring at the ground

just wishing and waiting to be found

than I do running to what's ahead.

Just please, don't hold the words I've said

against me. Not in any way.

Because there's still things I want to say

that can cover all the shadows I've cast.

And I want you to be something that lasts.

I want you to see that you're a star

and the looks you give reach to my heart.

It sounds so lame, but all you know

could save them all if you'd let it show.

There's something inside you that I've always lacked.

A courage, a love willing to fight back.

And like me, you've fought demons

that would bring the kings to their knees.

But they're demons that most people really can't see.

I know what that fight's like. I've fought it myself.

But you've fought it largely without the world's helped.

I'm impressed, though I imagine you cannot see why

that's at all impressive because it just made you cry.

What's beautiful is the fact you've held it at bay

and fought for your heart, despite what they say.

No matter what else the world has told you they see

there's something inside you visible only to me.

Tell me if I'm wrong. And I want you to know

if you let me inside, then I'll never go.

As long as you ask me to stay here with you

then that's what I plan to always do.

See, you bring back my words. That's a miracle itself.

They were just sitting for so long upon dusty shelves.

But you reached up unknowingly and handed them down.

And now I can reach them and turn things around.

I'd like you to know that there's still more to tell

but I'd still like to tell you. And honestly, well,

you're clouding my vision. But I really don't mind.

It's the hearts just like yours

that seem so hard

to find.

Yeah, I'm Drifting

Secretly, I'm a saint in sinner's clothes.

A wolf drifting through the sheep

But even the wolves regret killing.

Maybe one day I'll come around.

There's so much I wish you knew.

So many tired moments

I wish I could retract.

You have every piece that I lack.

Did you know that?

Someday the sun's gonna come up

and maybe we can both see it together.

I have this habit of

walking through the door,

shaking up people's lives,

then waving goodbye.

They walk away to something more.

But if I can save one life

I'll save a million more.

I promised I'd do that to more than myself.

I'm on the edge of falling into this

for about the hundredth time.

What am I supposed to do about it?

I always trust when I see a smile.

But there's something different in the way you do.

Each little thing adds up to a light.

The way you smile with your eyes.

There's this light inside you that spills over.

I want to tell you.

I think you know.

But you and I, we're so much alike.

You tend to think more of others

than you do yourself.

Let me hold you up there

for the world to see.

I've never lived my life for me.

Tell me this isn't a lie and

I'm not dreaming.

I think you understand.

I think you know.

And maybe if I'm lucky

you'll return the feeling.

To the Wolves

I'm used to being left to the wolves.

Even when I couldn't walk, I kept trying to find you.

I don't make enemies.

The knives adorn my back.

Forgiveness is a weakness for me.

Let me rest for just a moment please.

All I need is to catch my breath.

I haven't been breathing for years

but still,

I'm not dead.

Not yet.

This is the correlation of salvation and love.

Dear God...

I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. I know I promised that I'd do whatever it took. I know I begged for You to make it my life; my reason for being here. And You did. But I was only seven. I didn't know that whatever it took would mean such taxing things. I didn't know it would involve telling someone you love them even after they put a knife to your throat...forgiving someone despite the fact that they held you down, screaming at you to stop crying...letting someone you love go, even when you still loved them...holding someone up all night just so they would keep breathing...God this is incredibly hard. You know I'm usually willing. I'm usually ready to seize the opportunity and show anyone that loves exists. I know that I can't keep them all around. I knew from the start that I'd have to walk in and out of so many lives. But it hurts so bad.

I am only human. But for some reason You let me have such an huge heart, and such a large purpose for being here that I can't wrap my head around it sometimes. You must love me though, because I'm a sinner in saints clothing. As terrible as some of the people you have put in my path think they are, I always want to look them in the eyes and tell them they are saints in comparison to me. Humble? No. You've seen every wrong I've done. More than I'd want to admit to anyone. Even to myself sometimes. Recently, I've been terrible. I know God, and I'm sorry. I keep asking for forgiveness for the same things. But despite the fact I feel unforgivable most of the time, You forgive anyways.

Please just tell me that giving up my life for all of this didn't exclude me from having one person eventually to be my constant. I've watched so much love walk in and out of my life that at this point I'm growing more and more certain that I wasn't meant to stay in one life forever. Maybe it's Your way of trying to tell me that You're always going to be the most constant one I have. God, I'm stubborn. And I'm starting to see that here. But can't the girl who's out to prove love exists find love of her own? I had it once. You let me have it. And I let it go.

But doesn't everyone get a second chance...?

And about her, God...

You know all I want is for her to be happy. I just am not sure if she knows that. There's days I know she isn't, and days I know she's telling the truth. Well God, the worst truth I've ever learned in my life is that sometimes when you truly love someone, you let them go. I can let her go. I can, just not in my head. Because she's always there. I'm always worrying, or wondering, or thinking. I wish she knew that. I wish she knew that I would give up everything I've ever worked for just to have one day with her. But I can't let her know that. I know that's not what's supposed to happen. God, she's also my best friend though. And I hope she does know that. I thought nobody would ever understand the way my head works, even remotely. Somehow she does. I think that's a miracle in it's truest sense.

I need answers. But I know that as much as I don't think I can keep doing this, I always will. It's what I was made for. I was fashioned for a life different than most. I asked for it. I received it. And I'm happy with it. I'm just struggling. Can You please help me out here God? I just need a little guidance this time.

Love,

Your Daughter

Taking Pride

Time to take a moment and be proud of something

for a change.

Proud to look back and realize

that for nineteen unusually long years

I have fought monsters

(largely unaided)

that would make grown men cry

and shudder where they stand.

My head may be dark and

every day may be a fight

but I am very much alive.

Each morning

when I open my eyes, and

am still fighting

I should be proud.

God knows that its tough

trying to explain the way

mental illness overcomes a life.

Nearly impossible to describe

how my emotions, sometimes,

aren't even my own.

How they cloud my vision and

how sometimes I don't even remember

being sad.

It's terrible to try and tell

why anyone would hurt themselves

unknowingly, in their sleep.

There's secrets I keep from people.

But I keep smiling.

I am strong

and I've made it 19 long years.

I'm hoping to make it many more.

And I'm proud.

More Hopeful Than the Last

Can we go back to those days

before the blues and the grays

when both of us had somebody

and had something to say?

Now the silence is killing

and everything that we're willing

is that tragedy can

take us away.

But we weren't meant for wires

and we can't reach the stars.

We thought maybe we missed em.

Turns out they're not ours.

They're everybody's wonders.

We're safe in the hands

that are spinning the axes of

these valleys and sands.

You were born with a beauty

and light we can see.

Trust me, everyone sees it.

It's really not just me.

All the poets and writers,

the musicians and whores,

All the lovers and teachers,

the soldiers, the wars,

and the kids here and street bound

are looking above

just praying and wishing

and hoping for love.

We live over our heads

just searching for a light.

Our lives were made for loving.

It's an undending fight.

But it's one that's worth fighting.

I'll always have your back.

There's a piece of me missing

but you have what I lack.

So together we're whole

and we can walk the world.

You, as a light ahead

and I'm still just a little girl.

But one day I'll get the courage

to reach just as far as you.

Love is gonna win this war.

Trust me,

it's what I do.

The silence is killing me.

Life taught me how to die

and I'm doing it every day.

Each time I love, I give away

a piece of my life.

Each breathe I lose a moment

Now I'm losing you.

They used to be around to tell me I'll be okay.

Now I'm trying to reassure myself.

In my mind, I'm curled up in a corner.

I'm alone.

There is no one that can take this

and burn it away.

So it's burning me.

Brother, when they find me

in a pile of ashes,

well...

know it wasn't your fault.

There was no one around

to put out the fire.

They didn't even know.

They couldn't have.

I'm blaming this all on me.

I brought down

my own world.

Independent Uncertainty

Today's one of those days, I suppose.

My words are lost again in your eyes.

I'm spiraling down inside them.

If anything, I am falling.

If you love me, you will catch me.

I've been standing on the edge

of some unknown adventure.

The anticipation kills.

I'm ready to dive in.

My life's too fast to run from.

You still don't know the half.

Pray that you won't run away from it.

Stay beside me, and listen to my reasons.

Love me for who I am.

Dismiss my past.

Just please tell me I am more

than the sum of my mistakes.

Junction

Give it a while.

They world whispers around me.

The thoughts whisper inside us...

"This is the moment we've been wishing."

I can jump this, if you let me.

Fall straight into this

as fast as I can.

Trust, you manic friend,

catch me while I'm falling.

Prove to me that hands are more

than just hands.

And that three words

are more than just words.

The sky is alight with stars

like it was when I was a child.

If I wish on them, can you answer?

Are you the answer to it all?

I used to wish for a hero.

I used to write about a boy.

I never knew who he was.

Let's find out where we're going.

Please, tell me I'm not dreaming.

Don't make me promises but

assure me this is real.

For Once, I'm Excited to Be Scared

My head is going over anything and everything

that would tell me not to trust you...

But I do.

Because you haven't given me a reason not to.

See, in the past the world

has beaten down on me

and roughed me up

pretty damn good.

I want to warn you.

I want to tell you to turn away and run

while you still don't feel anything

close to what you could for me.

I'm not as good as

I come off.

I'm not as nice to be around.

Not as smart.

Not nearly everything that

I appear to be.

My past has monsters

and

I lose my head far too easy.

I want to tell you to go.

I want to tell you that you don't want to

get to know who I really am.

But I can't.

I just can't do that.

Talking to you is easier than anything

that I've been through, as of recent.

So if I tell you

that I'm going to be bad for you

look me in the eye,

tell me I'm wrong,

and please...

don't go away.