I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. I know I promised that I'd do whatever it took. I know I begged for You to make it my life; my reason for being here. And You did. But I was only seven. I didn't know that whatever it took would mean such taxing things. I didn't know it would involve telling someone you love them even after they put a knife to your throat...forgiving someone despite the fact that they held you down, screaming at you to stop crying...letting someone you love go, even when you still loved them...holding someone up all night just so they would keep breathing...God this is incredibly hard. You know I'm usually willing. I'm usually ready to seize the opportunity and show anyone that loves exists. I know that I can't keep them all around. I knew from the start that I'd have to walk in and out of so many lives. But it hurts so bad.
I am only human. But for some reason You let me have such an huge heart, and such a large purpose for being here that I can't wrap my head around it sometimes. You must love me though, because I'm a sinner in saints clothing. As terrible as some of the people you have put in my path think they are, I always want to look them in the eyes and tell them they are saints in comparison to me. Humble? No. You've seen every wrong I've done. More than I'd want to admit to anyone. Even to myself sometimes. Recently, I've been terrible. I know God, and I'm sorry. I keep asking for forgiveness for the same things. But despite the fact I feel unforgivable most of the time, You forgive anyways.
Please just tell me that giving up my life for all of this didn't exclude me from having one person eventually to be my constant. I've watched so much love walk in and out of my life that at this point I'm growing more and more certain that I wasn't meant to stay in one life forever. Maybe it's Your way of trying to tell me that You're always going to be the most constant one I have. God, I'm stubborn. And I'm starting to see that here. But can't the girl who's out to prove love exists find love of her own? I had it once. You let me have it. And I let it go.
But doesn't everyone get a second chance...?
And about her, God...
You know all I want is for her to be happy. I just am not sure if she knows that. There's days I know she isn't, and days I know she's telling the truth. Well God, the worst truth I've ever learned in my life is that sometimes when you truly love someone, you let them go. I can let her go. I can, just not in my head. Because she's always there. I'm always worrying, or wondering, or thinking. I wish she knew that. I wish she knew that I would give up everything I've ever worked for just to have one day with her. But I can't let her know that. I know that's not what's supposed to happen. God, she's also my best friend though. And I hope she does know that. I thought nobody would ever understand the way my head works, even remotely. Somehow she does. I think that's a miracle in it's truest sense.
I need answers. But I know that as much as I don't think I can keep doing this, I always will. It's what I was made for. I was fashioned for a life different than most. I asked for it. I received it. And I'm happy with it. I'm just struggling. Can You please help me out here God? I just need a little guidance this time.
Love,
Your Daughter
No comments:
Post a Comment