I'm Not Afraid, No Sir.

I don't know if I'm ready.
Not to move, I mean.
I know I wanna get outta here.
But...I'm not sure if I'm ready to give in
to the machine.
Someday it has to happen.
But I've just been so far purposely displaced
for my whole life now.
I just learned that
you cannot find the solace in another.
I'm just learning to find inspiration in myself.
I don't want to fall asleep now.
That's what they're all doing.
They fell asleep and now
they're walking through life with their eyes closed.
They made plans and turned them on.
I never make plans.
I run freely until I have to climb a hill.
I dance at the top and roll down.
But I have to make plans now.
I have to move forward.
Maybe I can do it without closing my eyes.
Because I want to see every minute.
What is it they're so afraid of
that they won't dive in head first
with their eyes open?

I Can't See What Lies Beneath the Words

The newness of it all,
It probably holds me back from saying everything.
But I want to say it all.
I want to tell you.
You're like some sort of beacon
in the weirdest way.
I can't explain.
Say anything.
Ask anything.
Just let this be
anything
that it can be.
Give me a sense of being
that reaches deeper than the surface.
Help me reach farther
than I have been.
Be that light.
Or at least
help me to light up.
I know somewhere out there
someone has been coexisting with me
all along,
just waiting to find me
like I'm waiting for them.
It could be you.
Couldn't it?

This One's My Sincerety

Anymore I really suck at writing poetry. The words come and they seem so stupid and cliched that I can't even take them fully seriously myself, even though they are. So I'll write this direct. And I'm writing it to you. Because I owe you an apology. I've never done anything tremendous in your favor, but you've saved and redirected my life. I'm not sure if you know that. But I'd be in a very different place if I hadn't met you. You're the best friend I've had in all my life. I know I say that all the time, but its because I don't know how else to tell you. I just want you to know it always. Lately, I haven't been a great friend back. I know that. When you mentioned we needed to talk, it all occurred to me at that moment why you were upset. Why I didn't see it before that moment, I'm not sure. Can you forgive me? I've been distant and inattentive and stupid. Just plain stupid. I got so caught up in my own life that I forgot it included some of the most important people that have ever been in it. And then I let a really stupid boy take over any time I had left, and any attention I had to spare. He wasn't even worth it. Not for a moment. Yeah, I should have taken your advice. You were right. You told me so. I didn't listen. I'm stubborn and strong headed, and that's something I always will need to work on. I need to listen to other people. Because a lot of the time, you know me better than I do. If I could go back and start the situation over, I would. But I can't. So I need to move on, and learn to listen.
Lately, I have missed you. It may not seem like it, but I have. You have no idea how many nights I felt alone through all the mess I was in, and just wanted to run over to you and have you hug me really tight and tell me it was all going to be okay. I want things to be like that again. I want it more than anything. I miss my bro. Hell, I'm getting all teary eyed writing this. I know you deserve a better best friend. I have no idea why you chose me. But I'm glad you did. Who else would put up with my crazy head?
I've asked you to forgive me way too many times. I've apologized because you were right and I didn't listen more than I should. And I don't deserve your forgiveness or your attention most of the time. But I'm asking for it again. I should have been there for you more this past month. I should have called you up and found time to be around you. I should have listened and cared and acted like a best friend should. And I'm very sorry. I don't want to lose you bro. That would break me. It would break me into pieces, and I couldn't recover from that. You're amazing. You know that? Losing you would be like having the sun die. The whole world would die with it. I know it'd break you too.
You're still the only one I tell all my secrets to. You're still the one who knows me better than anybody else. And I want to keep it that way. Yeah, she's my friend now. But our friendship is so casual and I don't see it becoming more than that. I can't talk to her like I talk to you. I can't stay up late nights and admit my mistakes to her. Never will be able to.
So please, forgive me? I miss you terribly. I want my bro back close like we were. It scares me that you're upset like that. But I can promise that if you don't want to lose me, you won't. Because I don't want to lose you. You know that. I can't lose you. I love you. You're the best friend I've ever had. And anything I've done to risk that, I'm sorry for. But I really miss you.
Let's go back to where we were before.

Idk.

Apologies mean nothing coming from me.
Not anymore.
I know, somewhere a while ago
I stopped acting the way I should have.
I am sorry and
it hurts me.
But it hurt you too.
Sometimes I get caught up trying to do
what I think I should
instead of what I know.
I just wish I could pull my heart right out of my chest
and show you how heavy it is right now.
But maybe if you could hear me out somehow,
then please, just know
that I can't stand to lose you.
I never wanted to make you mad
or hurt, or angry, or alone, or sad,
but I failed in some points.
I know what I've done.
I seem to mess up a lot.
I keep asking you to forgive.
And I know I could be stronger
and braver
and pick of the pieces of my life.
I could be more put together
and smarter
and wiser.
I could make life more simple
if I really wanted.
But that would entail I would stop being me.
That's not someone I want to be.
But if I hurt you or offend you
or I do something wrong,
please just always tell me.
It seems to never take long
before I mess something up.
I know you're still here.
I don't want to push you away,
but there's always that fear
that one day I'll do something
that you cannot forgive.
That you'll get angry and I'll lose you.
That's not something I can live with.
I keep rambling and promising
and wandering through life,
and I know its not much when I tell you that I
am enormously grateful for the times you've been there.
But I am.
And if you need me,
well I'm not going anywhere.

If It Means Something to You...

When I stopped writing it was because I found a life
outside this box of words I'd put myself in.
I'd found you and you showed me the world.
I found color I never knew even existed.
There was a past I was afraid of,
and a future I was afraid would be just the same.
Don't you know what you did?
I think I've told you so many times.
You gave me a picture of a future that was different.
You took the fear off my shoulders and gave me a place to rest.
You helped me live again.
Slowly I'm learning to live with all the stupid shit I've done.
Yeah, slowly I'm learning to move on.
And if there's one thing that's been drilled into my head
its that nothing ever stays the same.
But you're staying here, and so am I,
and that's something to rely on.
Sometimes I forget that I should be thankful.
I'm sorry if it came off that I no longer cared.
See, I keep getting caught up in the life that I've found
and forgetting that moving too fast in this world
never got a girl anywhere she wanted to be.
You know I'm always gonna be right here.
And if I get turned around, just tap me on the shoulder.
I'm growing up, and shaping up, and I know you are too.
But we're growing up together.
We were kids and now we're not, but sometimes
we still laugh like we are.
Let's not forget how to do that.
I know I could work on a lot of things.
I know I've been running all my life.
But I'm learning to slow down.
Everything that I'm made of,
every single fiber of my being,
has been affected by my knowing you.
If I could show you in a million colors in a picture
what I used to be inside, compared to now,
I would.
It would be two such opposing views.
No one would believe it was still me.
There's always going to be a reason to thank you.
So trust me, when I tell you
you can't ever be replaced.
You are important.
You are irreplaceable.
And you're the best damn friend
anyone could ever have.

okay.

There's one for the books that I read

every now and then.

I am alone.

Albeit, only sometimes.

I've got friends here and there.

The shadows are everywhere in between.

The cave swallows it all into darkness.

And its cold.

The ellusive nature of it all

keeps me prisoner to everything

I've come to hate.

Tell me to go ahead with breathing.

This place is a suffocating anomaly.

I give up fighting it.

Don't let it take me.

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Warnings

You've never seen a kid fall like that.

I am so afraid when you do, you'll leave.

Or worse...I'll hear the words I've heard all along.

"I don't know how to help you."

No one can.

So they don't.

The world comes and goes

and so do my colors.

Everything is turning dark again.

I'm fighting so hard to push it back.

I didn't want to tell you.

I'm afraid you'll leave.

Im afraid you won't be able to handle it.

I'm afraid you'll be too lost to hold onto me.

I am just so afraid.

This happens often enough

and when it does...

Will you help me find a way out?

Because my world gets so much darker than you know.

And cold.

It snows...just ask her.

She's seen my face go blank

as I leave this world for a while.

Don't let me.

Please...don't let me.

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Recited Deception

It's really not all okay.

I can feel the closet monsters creeping up on me again.

There soul shivering whispers in my ears.

I never want to listen.

They never go away.

And for all my life I've pretended

that I'm the wolf.

I'm the sheep.

The teeth are baring down on me.

It's too dark to run.

And too late.

They know where I've been.

They know where I'm going.

Misfortune follows me around with a knife.

Sometimes I'm so ellusive

even Houdini couldn't find me

in my words.

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Give Me Shelter

My heart is as worn as the soles of my shoes.

How long will I pay for my debts?

The air is thinner it seems

than it used to be.

Nowadays I have trouble staying awake.

Not out of boredom.

Im just too tired.

My heart is run down.

My head is worn out.

I am bent in more directions

than I knew existed.

I will always be sick.

But I will not die of my own design.

Just you wait though.

I will not let them take me either.

I am still strong enough to stand.

I can fight.

I am here.

Are you listening?

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Medisin by The Classic Crime

"I am like a machine. All that I really need is medicine and then I'll fall fast asleep. In my dream-like state I'll pretend I'm unscathed, but when I wake up my resilience fades. When I wake up, my resilience fades. How long? I know there's more to life than slavery. I'm tired of dying. I know there's more to life than drinking the soul sick medicine. Oh, no. No, I'll never listen to what I'm told. At 24 you'd think I'd hold my speech. Instead I'll mix it with cocktail, some truth, and some slander. I never practice what I preach."

The Classic Crime

Medisin

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We Know...

We are who we are.

The world cannot define even our loudest sides.

Because only we know

what our truths our.

We are all multi-faceted.

Thats what makes life colorful.

I refuse to be made into

anything less.

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Suddeness

You hold a world of wonders in your palm.
Your armor is coming off now.
But I never had any.
Instead I was stuck, scarred and bleeding.
But now that you're free...
Can you stitch me up
and make me better?
I'm healing already.
You should know
nobody else has ever been able to do that.
Nobody.
I used to stay up at night wondering
who would save me if I was the one saving them?
Nobody.
I used to think I'd be alone and lost and searching forever
for a heart to love and a hand to hold.
But I'm not.
I found you.
You walked in so abruptly that
my head couldn't adjust that fast.
And so it freaked out.
But just for a moment.
And in that moment I realized
that all the world I thought was broken to pieces
was falling back together in a million shades of light.
I am very much alive and
very much in love,
and I don't really hate myself.
I only hated what I had become.
Cold, lifeless, and without feeling.
But you're letting me feel again.
You're doing what no one else could.
You're letting me live.
I am so very alive.

Tell Me, Please.

You've never done a thing wrong.
My footsteps were used to running.
I'm staying put now
for you.
There didn't used to be enough words
for feelings
and so they didn't exist.
You let me feel again.
You let me cry again.
And now I can live.
But I don't want to live without you.
Not ever.
I used to wake up to the dark every day
and wonder where I was going.
Not anymore.
No...you are like a light.
And even though I've always seemed strong
you know that deep inside
there's a girl who's scared of everything.
But I'm not scared of this.
I love you.
I love you more than words can even say.
But I'll let them try to speak to you anyhow.
Just let me know that I didn't mess up so bad
that I'll lose you.
Let me know you still love me
and that we're going to be okay.
Because I'm scared again.
I'm scared of being alone in the dark
and I don't want to cry tonight.
I made this weight that's sitting on my chest.
Forgive it so I can breathe again.
Please...just let me know
that you'll be there to hold me
for a long, long time.

Some Kind of Wonderful

In all honesty, it's hard to find words to write.
There is so much to feel.
My heads trying to wrap around the world
in a million splendid colors.
My heart is singing.
After all these years, when I thought it was dead,
you made it sing.
Thank you.
I lived in a cold world.
I lived with fear.
I walked with him.
But you chased him away.
Can I walk with you forever?
Because now that I've seen
what the world looks like
full of color and love,
I cannot go back.
And I won't.
If I have your heart
you have mine twice over.
Just let me know you'll keep me
and I'm yours as long as you'd like.

Well, Yeah...

Well of course I'm a little bit afraid.
But more of me is completely excited and ready.
I'm ready to dive into this head first.
If you asked,
I'd say yes.
I'd say yes in a heartbeat.
Ask me sometime.
I'm hoping.

Re-Apportionment

There's a part of me that is very afraid of your eyes on this page.
You know, things change so rapidly in this world.
Every word from weeks past is just that.
It's past and done and gone but
I'm worried you'll be afraid of it.
You have so much fear buried in your chest.
Please don't let it overtake you.
My words are for you now. They're yours.
And so am I
if you will take me.

Newness

Everything I see in you is the equivalent to a thousand splendid suns.
You've lit up my world, and I'm catching up to it like a fire.
Hold me up to it. Let me shine with you.
But please, don't let me burn.
I just want to dance without falling into darkness.
Don't let it overtake me again. I can't handle that.
I want to know what its like
to forever have the light reflecting off of
the spark in your eyes and
the dawn of my smile.

Can I Walk You Through This?

Did you know every new day is one step away from what used to be?
Walk on forward.
Step strong, keep your chin up, and don't let the world let you down.
You are your biggest enemy.
How can I get you to love
everything you've learned to hate
and then ignore
for a long 27 years?
It's not my job to change the world.
It's fully my wish to shake up yours.
Can I look into your eyes and tell you
that you're worth it?
You wear your insecurities like an armor.
Sometimes, I can't break through.
Sometimes too, you're took weak to take it off.
Let me help you.
The world is only look at you objectively
because you're letting them.
Stop befriending worry.
Stop wishing for something else.
You are who you are
and inside the skin you were given from the day
you were born into this world.
It's never going to be easy.
But you are more than good enough.
Everyone glances with judgement. It's a human condition.
But you take it to heart more often than not.
Take yourself to the heart of it
and learn that the world is not against you.
You have such a beautiful heart, and yeah,
I think I'm falling for it.
But how can you love anyone else, fully, unless you can love yourself?
I'm so willing to walk besides you through this,
Hold your hand while you find out who you are.
You've waited too long to figure that out.
Let yourself be free, and don't look around for approving glances.
Who you are is wonderful when you're not living afraid.
Fear is just a temporary enemy
too weak to stay around too long.
I would know. I used to walk in your shoes.
I used to wait for the approving looks and nods
so I could move on with my own life.
Its your own life.
I want you to start living it again.
I want you to take back everything that's yours
and hold it tight to your chest.
I want you to breath in and feel your heartbeat
and know
that you are so incredibly alive and awake
and that this world is a beautiful place
that wants to embrace every part of you.
And I want to walk beside you
through it all.

Stupid Emo Crap

Why are you still looking?
Maybe I'm wrong.
I'm standing in front of you for nothing.
Walk away, and I won't follow
if you don't want me to but
you'll be taking my heart with you.
It'll kill me.

I know.
I'm such a cliched emo kid.
I can't get over my feelings.
I'll go and be more emo.
Run my feelings over with a car.
They never die.
I know, it's terrible.
Just love me please.
It kills me to be this close to you
and have you so far away.

It kills me.

Subjective Views On Life

There's a song buried deep inside my soul.

I still hear it everywhere I go.

But I've forgotten how to sing.

Can you teach me again, please?

There's a song, aching to be heard.

I want to paint the world again

like I did when I was younger.

Life can't turn over backwards

but no one said that I couldn't.

Take what I have and find my voice.

When I lost it, I think it was a choice.

I was so afraid someone would hear my song

and know my heart like no one's done for so long.

But I'll sing for you when I finally find

the voice that I've buried deep inside.

These shoes know where I should be going.

I'll slip into their lives every day.

They dictate now the way that I'm walking.

I haven't a clue what I'm supposed to say.

See, I stopped writing cause I was afraid

that my heart was still fragile, and that yeah, it was made

with a hole in it to big to fill.

I thought that was something I needed to kill.

So I lost all sight of where I should have been.

Lost the world and my mind along with my friend.

Then it snowed every time I just started to cry.

I'm just too broken to let you see my eyes.

And at this point, I'm sure you'll be here all the time.

Every note, every lyric, every word, every rhyme,

has brought me to a place where I'm fighting a life

that's never given me much, but at least I'm alive.

I thought that my feet had been weighing me down

but it was just an excuse not to turn things around.

And when you see me crying, pick me up in your arms.

Tell me the world's alright and you mean me no harm

and then hold me until I'm exhausted from crying.

If I say I'm alright, well you'll know that I'm lying.

See all this time I'd been trying to be human and real

without remember it's completely human to feel.

The way that I acted was going alright

but somewhere along the way I lost sight

of the fact that its okay to show the world you're down.

Well I'm definitely down here , bout ready to drown.

I'm just holding onto you and whats left of my world.

I know it sounds silly, but I'm still a silly little girl.

I've got a lot left to grow up and a lot left to learn

but I'm thinking that now its about time for my turn

to live and to love and be perfectly real

and show myself I'm still human

and it's okay

to feel.

Guilty Conscience

Of course I regret it.

The feelings emanating from his chest

were enough to knock him over.

Of course I didn't tell you.

I'm not sure if I was angry

at his miscalculated reactions

or also just a little jealous.

But he's more than sorry.

Maybe...Probably, really,

you should know that.

He's upset beyond reasoning

at this point.

The kids in tears on the inside,

and yeah, of course I feel guilty.

I could feel it building up all along.

I shoulda stopped and spoke up.

I could have saved him the pain.

But it happens all the time, friend.

I could save a lot of peoples pain.

I let so much guilt ride on my shoulders.

It's really not my fault.

After all, if I was normal

I wouldn't even know

what was going on.

Sunlight

Sometimes,

when I think of you

this image gets burned into my mind.

Like some kind of fantastical dream

I can see the could be's and what if's

and I love them all.

Not, of course,

as much as I love you.

Did I say that? Yeah...

Yeah, I did.

And it's probably always obvious now.

You delight me with your presence.

You are a sun to my world.

Without you,

all would be dark.

Yeah...

Don't try to wake me up even if the sun really does come out tomorrow

Don't believe anything I say anymore.

With downcast eyes, there's more to living than being alive.

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Truths

Trying to find the words now is like trying to run through a fog. I can run for a while, but I don't know where to go. I keep stumbling and falling, and having to start over. And finally, when I realize I'm lost, it's too late to go back.

What's in the very deepest fault lines of my heart is too much to reach your ears. It's enough to make the world cave in. I don't think I could handle that right now. My feelings are irrevocable, and in turn the world is caving in. I will hold it up for now. But someday I'll need sleep. I know the day I rest, it will all fall on top of me. I will be crushed by it's weight. Nobody is here to hold it up for me. Not right now.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm stranded in the middle of the ocean, and as much as I cry out, nobody can ever hear me. I am lost and alone, so I've stopped yelling. I forgot how. I forgot how to not be alone.

I've stopped worrying that people will read this whom I don't want to. Cause even the people I want to don't read it. Why keep yelling at deaf ears?

I am made of glass. And every time I fall it cracks a little. I am full of chips and cracks and I've been breaking all my life. I don't know how to fix it.

I don't remember how to ask for help. And I don't remember how not to be terrified of getting help.

I need to get away and I want you to come with me.

You are the only person I've been able to love for a long time this much.

My love is always stronger than it's reciprocated. I'm only hurting myself.

I want to disappear.

I love you more than I should.

I want to give you the world.

I'm keeping on keeping cause you want me to.

That puts too much burden on your shoulders. I am more than sorry.

When you hold me the world feels okay for just a moment.

It means more to you than it does to me.

I hate myself for letting it mean anything, but I don't want that to stop you from holding me ever again.

I need held. No one else will hold me.

I can't break again. I am so so afraid.

I am so sorry for putting this on your shoulders.

I need to cry but I'm afraid of crying in front of you. I don't know why. I feel like maybe it'd break you a little too I guess, and all I want is to make you happy.

I don't want you to feel guilty ever, because you're not using me.

Knowing you makes me feel a little better.

I hate being so lost.

I have so many thoughts you'd hate me for. Not thoughts about you, thoughts about darker times and things. I don't act on them, but I want to.

My life is becoming muddled by my quest for being okay. Because I can't be.

I stopped living for myself a long time ago. I don't remember how.

I need you like I need air.

"Oh my God, I think I'm lost at sea. These silent waves are my company."

It snows in my vision again nowadays. I want to live there alone. I want to die there.

I don't know where I am.

I am terrified of the future.

I am even more terrified of losing you.

You have secured a place in my heart forever.

I would give everything for a day to call you mine.

I know it will never happen. I shouldn't want what I can't have.

I miss him but I don't think things can ever be the same.

I don't like losing brothers.

I think I only ever had them as brothers because I needed guidance.

I still need guidance.

I still feel like a little kid.

Everything I feel seems like a lie. Sometimes I tell myself it is.

I want you to come hold me until I cry because I need to cry for a long, long time.

I'm breaking again.

Don't let me fall.

I love you.

I am so afraid.

And John Green can describe my inner most feeling...s

“And then something invisible snapped insider her, and that which had come together commenced to fall apart.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

“You like someone who can't like you back because unrequited love can be survived in a way that once-requited love cannot. ”
― John Green, Will Grayson, Will Grayson

“I wanted to be one of those people who have streaks to maintain, who scorch the ground with their intensity. But for now, at least I knew such people, and they needed me, just like comets need tails.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

“I'm not saying that everything is survivable. Just that everything except the last thing is.”
― John Green, Paper Towns

“Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia. (...) You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

“You can love someone so much...But you can never love people as much as you can miss them.”
― John Green

“Thomas Edison's last words were 'It's very beautiful over there'. I don't know where there is, but I believe it's somewhere, and I hope it's beautiful.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

“When adults say, "Teenagers think they are invincible" with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

“The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

“Before I got here, I thought for a long time that the way out of the labyrinth was to pretend that it did not exist, to build a small, self-sufficient world in the back corner of the endless maze and to pretend that i was not lost, but home.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

“I feel like my life is so scattered right now. Like it's all the small pieces of paper and someone's turned on the fan. But, talking to you makes me feel like the fan's been turned off for a little bit. Like things could actually make sense. You completely unscatter me, and I appreciate that so much.”
― John Green, Will Grayson, Will Grayson

“How do you just stop being terrified of getting left behind and ending up by yourself forever and not meaning anything to the world?”
― John Green, An Abundance of Katherines

If people could see me the way I see myself - if they could live in my memories - would anyone love me?”
― John Green, An Abundance of Katherines

“As much as life can suck, it always beats the alternative.”
― John Green, Paper Towns

This Is My Reasoning

Sometimes I wonder what would happen

if, in this moment,

everything just ended abruptly.

You'd be pissed.

They'd all cry.

And the world would keep on turning.

The flowers would bloom, then wilt with the leaves

and winter would come on in again.

But then, as I'm thinking,

my heart remembers

that with each passing season

you'd lose a little of yourself

and a few more tears.

I just can't do that.

And so I don't.

Continual Movement

We are judgement from the day of birth.

We define our moments by others.

Things become so increasingly trivial.

Life goes on.

Life goes on.

An Oncoming Collision With Earth

That light of life flickers in and out of my eyes.

Sometimes, I don't know

if I'm awake or asleep. And

I mean that metaphorically.

Life is tough. We all know that.

Sometimes, I don't wanna be here.

Not in life, I mean, but here. Where I am.

I drift in and out.

You're watching it happen.

But, for the first time, you don't feel helpless.

The watchers of me always run away.

Why haven't you?
I'm a feeble minded traveler.

I give up so abruptly, then find strength out of

a pin drop.

Save me?

Why do I even ask that?

Everyone has the same answer.

Everyone else is looking for an answer.

Not for me. For them.

I will forever be the third person, second place,

the after-thought, the sidekick,

the lost one...

Sometimes I'm sick of it.

Sometimes I'm just sick.

I don't ask you to save me, not out-right.

But I'm begging you to watch my eyes.

The lights flickering out of them more frequently.

I'm holding on with an ever loosening grip.

No, I'm not gonna yell if I fall.

I'm just gonna fall.

But before it gets there...

Will you notice?

It's okay, though. I'll get better again soon.

This is me...

Fading from the sleeplessness

Starving from the stomach aches

Sick from all the tension

Still running off of nothing

Leaving all I know of me.

Unessescarily dying

For you.

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Selfish Pleas and Selfless Gestures

I'm ready to collapse.

Drive, until the sun comes up.

Run until I can't take another breath

Bite my tongue until it bleeds.

Fall.

I'm ready to be new.

Keep on moving, running away.

Paint a continually new universe for you.

Hide everything for the sake of love.

Skew the meaning of four letter words.

I'm ready to be broken.

Leave what's left of myself on the floor

Pick up any of your heart that's been broken

Stay up all night just to make sure it's okay

Give until there's nothing left to give.

I'm ready to give up myself.

There's nothing now I could ever give more love.

The world has proved me completely wrong.

Everything I have is yours.

Take want you want

and leave what you don't.

I don't blame you for not seeing.

When you break, I break in two.

I cry when you leave crying.

Your pain is moved to my shoulders.

I would carry you, if you let me.

But I'm ready

to go on.

Let me be second.

I can handle the burden.

It's mine now for life.

And I'm yours

in whatever sense you want me.

The Universe Collapses Inward

We always want more than this world can offer.

But I will continue to grab the stars

until my hands turn to ashes.

This is for you, not for me.

Seeing you cry breaks my heart.

Seeing you smile puts it back together.

I've been pacing for hours trying to find a way

to make everything fall into place for you.

Not for me.

All I want...

For you to be happy, and whole, and to live

the fullest and best you can

for you.

Not for me.

I thought forever ago I'd gotten past

that broken, unreciprocated love I'd found.

I know I hasn't.

But this is not for me.

The sleeplessness, lack of food, and hours spent

trying to find solutions

are all for you.

Because I love you.

I still love you more than

anyone in this world ever could.

And because of that,

even if it's not returned the same way,

I'm going to encourage every dream you have

and help you find a way to get to your goals

until you own the universe.

I will drive as far as I can

and stand besides you

in silence, if need be,

just so you know you're needed and loved

and not alone.

I will be here to listen, here to talk,

here to lend a shoulder,

and here to be friend

until my heart collapses

and my least breath is exhaled.

Because a love like this is not going to go away.

I've gotta stop trying to make it.

I've gotta keep biting my tongue

and holding back the words

so that you'll be okay.

I've gotta keep hoping that things

will just keep getting better for you.

That you'll know

that I'm always here as your best friend

and

that you'll never read this.

My Prayer for Beginnings

God, running into the downtown lights won't

make me new.

I know that now.

Why did it take me so long

to realize You've been tapping me on my shoulder?

The pastors and books and people

have all been telling me for years

that we can only become new in You, God.

Why haven't I listened?

I want to be new. I want to be whole, not broken.

I want not to forget all the terrible things that

I have experienced or done,

but be able to remember them as past.

Embrace the lessons, and move forward.

I want to be free of the chains that

are holding me down from my memory.

I want to forget the monsters that reach

out of my mind

and hold my by the throat.

God I want to be new.

PLEASE.

I WANT TO BE NEW.

I want to shout it from the rooftops.

I want you to shine Your light in me

until it blinds out every bad thing I've ever known.

God, Your love covers all.

Please wash away everything that's been done.

Let me start over in You.

Let me love again, live again, laugh again,

and have it be true and whole,

and be free.

Thanks...

Only you would know how to talk me down

from working up the tears

so late at night.

You are a blessing and light and I

don't know how to tell you

that I'm thankful.

Somewhere between stumbling through life

and admitting defeat

you found me falling to my knees.

You didn't even know it.

But you picked me up.

I can't write this without tears.

I couldn't say it without sobbing.

I was so afraid of being alone.

But now I'm not. I know.

I never wanted to die.

You know I didn't.

I was just so scared of being lost and alone

and never having anyone of my own

that my fear took me over

and I let it defeat.

But I know I'm not alone know.

I can sleep at night

and remember now

that you are a light

and I can see the way out.

I've got so much more to do here.