I'm Sick of Hearing It

"Your disability has got way worse."
"I think you taking that medicine just made all this start."
"You can't be home alone."
"You can't have your own place. You can't even handle being alone at ours."
"I don't think you can handle doing that."
"You shouldn't be going there."
"Are you really depressed? I thought you were over that."
"What?! How can it be hard to brush your teeth?.....Yeah but not every day."
"We're cutting our vacation short because someone can't be with you every day."
"You'll go crazy if you have no one to talk to."
"You know you can get over this."
"Sometimes you have to try a little harder."

You Can't See It But It's There

I cried twice today.
I wasn't sure you were alive.
What if I had ignored the signs?
What if you were gone?
I was hurt and then
I was angry.
It was only a fraction of the feeling
the reality would have brought on.
Do I care too much,
or not enough?


"Who cares if one more light goes out? Well I do."

You Know the Feelings

Everything about you is what I used to be
and still am
if I look hard enough.
But I don't want to look.
See, you don't see the inside,
all disaster and lost.
The stories in my head were set fire to
....on purpose.
I lost them on purpose.
Do you know what that means?
Nobody knew it would be like this.
Nobody does know.
Now everything is grey.
There's no color here.
There's no light.
And you are a soul-searching shadow-stepper.
You create the love they need
and hold them together
until they've stitched up their core.
You would sit there until the world ended,
wouldn't you?
Holding them, helping them, telling them
what you aren't even sure of; "It's gonna be okay."
You and I know
we don't ever know that.
And we're stuck now.
You're trying so hard not to show them
that the walls are breaking
that its cracking you from the inside out.
I can see right into you.
I can feel everything that's weighing on your chest.
I started doing this when I was twelve.
You know, the saving thing.
Walking home the suicidal kids.
Sitting with little ones when the police came.
I wore myself out in my youth, but you,
you have so much light left.
You weren't ready for such a heavy fight.
I can't stop you.
I can't say anything.
I feel like I've let you down, you know?
I feel everything you're carrying.
And it's been years but
the shadows in me are waking up
saying, "It's time again. Do what you were made for."
Brother, I haven't been honest about what's inside of me.
There is nothing. Nothing for myself to keep going.
I've been out of commission, in repair,
waiting to be thrown again to the dogs.
You see, I wasn't made for me.
It's a beautiful, terrible thing.
And maybe, neither were you.
But every inch of me hopes that's not true.
The you
just need a redirection,
a little repair,
a little saving.
I used to ask "If I save everyone else, who's gonna save me?"
Well, no one. I'm too far gone for that, but brother
you're not.
Please, know you're not
and let me help you.