Summer Song

Generation where self-fortified hispters bleed true
Show me something glorious. Show me something new.
I've been listening to the city. The streets there, they shout.
Give me hope, give me wisdom, help me find a way out.

We keep running the sidewalks, searching for the words.
There is music in the people, and the trees, and the birds.
Oh boy, I can feel it, there's a song in my heart,
And I may just as well sing it before I depart...

Summer skies, bring me songs.
I will sing all my days.
Summer sun, cast a light down.
I will dance in your rays.
Summer nights, bring a love.
I will carry it through
in your song till next summer,
and I'll sing it 
with you.

With my face towards the sun, I can face all we go through.
Romancing the moonlight, every word there is true.
We've gotta be real and honest, and I know we will find
that everything is beautiful. It has been all this time.

Beatnik boy, tell me stories. Hold my hand now, and run.
There's a world a waitin'. We are far from being done
with the late nights and laughter. It's a glorious thing.
And there's nothing left to do now but run on and sing.

Summer skies, bring me songs.
I will sing all my days.
Summer sun, cast your light down.
I will dance in your rays.
Summer nights, bring a love.
I will carry it through
in your song till next summer
where I'll sing it 
with you.

Let's write down every thought now. We have beautiful words.
And even when the snow falls, our song will still be heard.
There's a freedom in knowing that you'll never let go.
I can feel my soul mending. I feel it in my bones.

It's the pulse of life beating that keeps rhythm to our hearts.
And I think there's a truth now that I've known from the start.
With you by my side, there's no fear for being alone.
Your song is my harmony. My heart's found a home.

The Broken Chapter

"Just tell me what you did. I won't be mad. Please."
His eyes were pleading with me. They held panic, pain...I had to tell him. But I just couldn't do it.
I stared forward, losing myself completely. I was frozen. I was not there. I let myself drift away from where I was. My face was blank. I was far away, and everything was fine. I felt nothing. I was nowhere.
"Talk to me."
I came back. My face regained life. I let my head fall into my arms. My knees were pulled up to my chest. I could try to hide myself all I wanted, but he could see me. He could always see when I wasn't telling him something. Head down, I closed my eyes, remembering.
There was no reason to do it, was there? Nothing should have hurt me like that. But there it was, like a spider, creeping up out of my mind. Like a fog, almost. A dense, black fog. It rolled over my head and mulled about there, pulling me apart. It didn't let me think. Didn't let me live. I couldn't shake it.
"Please..." He lifted up my chin with his hand.
I stared into his eyes. This used to make the tears well up when I saw his eyes pleading with me like that. But I felt nothing more than a numbing fear. I was losing touch. I was afraid. But I could feel nothing else. The fog was eating me, taking away all sense of feeling.
I looked back at the floor. He deserved to know, right?
"I...uh..." My voice was looking for sound. Looking for words. "I did it again."
Something inside him broke a little more at those four words. He looked lost. He looked sad. But he did not look angry. I thought he'd be angry. My sense of judgement was so skewed though. I hadn't been able to trust it for days.
We sat there in the hallway, silent. I would've cried if I had remembered how to. But I was numb. My legs lost feeling. I couldn't get up. I was stuck.
"Where?" I knew he would ask. I knew it.
I couldn't show him. I couldn't. But I had to. I wanted out of this, didn't I? I wanted help. I wanted to shake this fog off. I wanted to wake up from inside myself.
My eyes glazed over. I wasn't there again. But he had to know.
I unzipped my jacket and took my left arm out of the sleeve slowly. There it was, bared before him.
He looked like he was about to cry.
His fingers traced over the fresh red marks. They traced over the word.
THIEF
I'd branded myself. Nobody else had done it. Yet, somehow I felt like they'd done it a long time ago.
I had no words. My voice wouldn't work. I put my arm back in my sleeve.
"Why?" His voice was so small. So worried.
I still couldn't feel.
"I don't know." I  told him. It was true. "I can't remember."
Everything was a blur. A black, lifeless, numbing blur.
"I have to tell, you know. I have to." He looked away.
"No. Don't. Please. You can't." The fear welled back up in me. I was so very afraid. That was the only thing left to feel.
"I have to! You want to get better, right?"
I did.
This wasn't the hard part, I knew. The hard part was yet to come. And as hard as telling him was, it would be a thousand times worse to tell them. The social worker. The doctor. The parents.
I was spiraling away. I wanted to sleep. To faint. To black out. To go away and not deal with it. It was too hard.
But I had to fight. Even if I wasn't fighting for me, I had to fight for him.
His face looked so worn. So fragile. We were only fifteen. His face shouldn't look this worn.
I had to fight.
I would get through it.

The Sleepless Chapter

Everything was fine just a few hours ago.
Everything was always fine hours ago. It happened every night. There was nothing I could do to control it. The weight of simply being was much too heavy for her. All I could do was wait. That's what I was doing.

The room was colder than usual. I pressed the small space heater on with my foot and shifted her in my arms to get my hand free. I pulled the old fleece blanket up over both of our feet, leaning back against the couch.
Don't get to comfortable. You have to stay awake. 
I shook my head. My eyes were screaming at me to sleep, but I wouldn't. Not for another few hours.
We sat there on the floor, me with my legs straight out in front of me, and her laying sideways, her head on my lap. I brushed the brown hair out of her eyes, letting my finger trace the side of her face. I knew she could feel it. Even if she wasn't responding, she could feel it.
I let my hand rest at the top of her chest. This way, I could feel her breathing, could keep track of how often the air entered her lungs. That was important. I sat in silence, staring off at the wall for minutes at a time. After a bit, my hand stopped going up and down with her chest.
I shook her.
"Wake up. Wake up," I muttered fervently, shaking her body, but keeping her head as still as I could.
"You have to wake up. Breathe, damnit." I patted the side of her face several times before her mouth opened, and she gasped, letting her breathing regain its rhythm.
Is this worth it?
I sighed heavily, and leaned back against the couch again, holding her close. Of course it was worth it. She was a human being, wasn't she? Even if I didn't care for her at all (I cared deeply) I would have done the same. I liked to think so at least.
 My legs were going numb from the hard basement floor. I assumed she was getting just as uncomfortable. With all the strength I could muster, I picked up her limp body and carried her to the couch, laying her down with the blanket on top of her, regaining my position holding her head. I let my back settle into the cushions of the couch. This was better. Her eyes opened slowly and she looked up into mine.
"Hey you," I whispered, smiling weakly down at her.
"Aren't you tired?" She asked, her eyes barely staying open.
I smiled back at her best I could. "No. No, I'm fine. Go back to sleep, okay?"
Her eyes closed again, and I laid my head back, holding her tight to me.
I can do this. Just an hour or so more. I can do it.
And I knew I could. I would be damn tired the next day, but I'd be fine. I was getting used to the sleepless nights. Whatever it was doing to drain me, it was far less significant than the burdens she'd been carrying. She needed someone to carry her now. She needed me.

Aye?

Samsonite, shimmery yellow white
We live in a cabin
We know all the secrets
Any day now the woods can find us
Chop chop away, son
We have an arms length ahead
Free flow below
Frosty tides
Anchor here for the night
Nobody heard the mundane words
Also in a reel of restless greatness
Alas, she sinks beneath
Vastly innate to the sinking ships
Good morning, night
Tomorrow carries over
Slavic rust and spiders
We don't resound a single notion.
Let it go ahead
From, found
Ahoy

Prospective

The words don't have to be spoken.
They always exist, hanging in the air
around our heads.
We take comfort in knowing
that we both see them.
There's a vast, limitless universe out there
and it's beckoning to us
to go explore it.
Ill be damned if I don't listen.
And, if it just so happens,
we go off on a whim
end up tumbling head first
through the universe, well,
at least I will be tumbling along with you.
That prospect is enough to keep me smiling.

Mid Delusional Comforts

It's comforting to know that
when my stairs start growing
and my bed turns into quicksand
that you will be there
to walk me through the strangeness.
Yes, true friends do that.
Even when Bob Ross is on the ceiling
they still love you for you.
It's the greatest thing.

I stole all these words from lyrics written by The Neighbourhood.

When I wake up, I'm afraid somebody else might take my place.
And I can't even see if it's all there anymore.
You're too mean. I don't like you. Fuck you anyway.
Being me and only me, feeling scared to breathe.
If you leave me then I'll be afraid of everything.
That makes me anxious, gives me patience, calms me down.
I told you I would tell you everything you want to know.
I go through all the trouble of keeping it within my walls. I try to be as subtle as I can.
The more I want in, the less I know. But I forgot I'll be alone with everybody watching me.
When I'm on, I believe you. When I'm not, my knees don't even seem to feel.
I was scared as fuck and out of touch, and I was still testing my luck.
Maybe you're right, and this is all that I can be. But what if it's you, and it wasn't me?
Tonight's a go. She's got that look in her eyes; kaleidoscope, but that's only half the time.
She's crazy, though, I guess there's something wrong inside.
I'm fucked in the head, and my mind is turning into a whore.
I fell in love today. There aren't any words you could say that could ever get my mind to change.
Don't tell them anything, please. We're gonna die...
How can I sleep if I don't have dreams? I just have nightmares. How can it be?
I still believe something is out there.
All I'll ever be is partly settled in.
Don't ever resent a letter inside a single word written.
And when they said that what I wanted was a figment I had to turn the other cheek.
But I was listening. Yeah, I was listening.
When I wake up I'm afraid somebody else might end up being me.

Dancing With a Flame

It's a silent film, but it needs no words.
Nothing there ever needs to be heard.
Any utterance might cause them to know
and make it come alive and so...
Hush.
She walks so slowly, eyes ahead.
A heart half there and almost dead
I see her face, she calls my name,
and I repeat. We are the same.
And all at once the footsteps come.
It's him, she knows, but it's not done.
The only story ever on the shelf
was missing half the pages. It was no help.
Echoes.
Silence.
Screaming, violence
He's not a part of the war at all.
He cannot hear it when she falls.
The film is silent, and he's a stranger.
Looking on, but unaware of the danger.
She's reaching out to anyone there
but the world's so fully unaware.
She knows each room and wall and door
that decorate his heart. And for
each moment she looks farther in
she falls into a piece of him.
Like ash from embers, she breaks apart
and the pieces fall into his heart.
But ash is dead. And he won't feel
her presence there. She is not real.
Walk on, dear boy, walk through the night.
She's gone and given up her fight.
She's hiding deep inside your chest
just hoping you'll notice her there at best.
Maybe one day you'll reignite
the ashes, and they'll dance with light.
Her face from fire, pressed to your lips.
Your hands set firm on fragile hips.
With eyes so big, she stares on in.
There's a fight here for love.
I hope she'll win.

This happens sometimes.

I am sad.
But it's not a normal sad because
It's me.
My brain was born different.
My sad is a million shades darker, sometimes,
than normal sad.
It's normal for me, I guess.
The sadness springs out from nowhere
From the cracks in my mind
I need
a thousand hugs
and some good words.
I need to be held.
I want to
shake this off.
My words are resorting to basics.
My hands are frozen
I don't even know
what to say.

I Confess, Yeah.

I have a confession.
Part of me sometimes feels irreparably broken
and I want nothing more
than to curl up as tight as I can
for as long as I can
against your chest.
For you to put your arms around me
and block out everything bad things in the world
for just a little bit
and let me cry
like I have never before.
I want that.
Maybe.
I'm afraid you'd leave.
You'd see the purest, most vulnerable part of me.
I don't know what would happen.
I am afraid.
I want someone to hold me
and tell me its okay
even if its not.

Everything Is Beautiful

Everything is beautiful here.
I really mean it, everything.
The smiles of strangers
The colors and lights
The only thing better would be sharing it with you.
That's all that could make it better.
You are so good at coloring in this life.
It was black and white and fading before.
This worlds vibrant again.
We are the artists and its our choice
how this picture turns out in the end.
I still think of every word you've said.
I smile and laugh and feel and know
I'm alive now.
I'm breathing.
I'm grateful for a beautiful existence.
I have the strength to keep on walking.
You showed me something so lovely.
You showed me I was not alone in my mind
like I'd always assumed.
No, you broke down the walls and showed me
that everything I thought I knew
was a fear based hallucination.
I like this world much better now.
I like the color.
This is good.

This, I want.

You know how bad I want you now.
Lips pressed to mine
Hearts beating faster
so we feel like they'll beat out of our chest
Everything all at once coming to life
in the shapes our bodies make together
Your skin against my skin
Hands touching hands
Us, together, in our own skin
Nothing more
So much to hold
A night that goes on into morning
Beauty

Yes

The truth is a splendidly weird thing.
Haha.
I need no explanation,
My brain is turning off.
Everything comes down slowly
and the lights are spinning.
It's so beautiful.
I don't even know what's going on.
I like it this way.

And it's my feelings.

Sometimes,
I get this overflow of feelings.
It's so powerful that
I
Want.
To.
Scream.
I want to scream them all
and I want you to hear and know them all.
But I can't describe even half of them.
They are so and too strong for words.
Just know
I will never ever leave you
if that's what you want.

Lovely Things

I would love nothing more than to be in your arms again,
safe, happy, and alive.
You give me a feeling of life that I haven't known
for a very long time.
The dreams of the liquor and sweat and night lights and love
all coming true
came at me and swept over me like a beautiful tidal wave.
And for a moment, you stopped time with your embrace
and I remembered what it was like to be truly filled with joy.
You are beautiful in every sense of who you are.
Some time again soon, I want to experience that joy.
I want the night to be filled with that rush of life
With your body against mine
The lack of sleep, ignored with the rush of adrenaline
and the endorphins coursing through our veins.
I want to feel you
again
soon.

Distortion

I had to write this. I had to because I know its something that's been at the back of many women's minds as well as my own since we were little girls. We don't think we're beautiful. And for many of us, we never have quite seen it. The world defines beauty in such a manipulative way, causing us to think that we don't fit the bill of what a perfect woman should look like. We're too big, our teeth aren't straight, our skin and hair aren't right, our legs aren't long enough; they make us think we have to look like distorted images of models. They spoon feed us this lie that that is what we should look like, and we all eat it up. Men and women, we all eat up that image of the supposedly perfect female body, and it becomes what we think is real.
When I was really little, I thought I was pretty. People would tell me I was pretty and cute and I would smile back at them with my huge dimples. I was pretty. I still am. But as I grew up, the world became harsher about looks, just like it does for every woman. I felt like I wasn't as pretty as my friends. Their hair was straight and they were skinny and their teeth weren't crooked. They had cute clothes and cute smiles and people thought so too. I didn't have any idea they probably thought the same thing about themselves as I thought about myself. I just assumed I was less beautiful, and I let myself believe it.
For the longest time that was the way it was. I was too short and too fat. My hair was too different and thick and not straight. My shoulders were too big and my skin wasn't clear enough. My teeth weren't white enough and my nose was too big. I didn't think I was beautiful. I shyed away from anything that might make me stand out. I thought that I needed to be skinnier for boys to like me.
I was wrong.
That entire time I spent trying to hide, I was actually just hiding my beauty. And while I'm still self-concious, and it will take a while to make that go away, I'm learning to realize how beautiful I really am. I have great curves. I have a wonderful smile, and when I'm truly smiling my eyes light up so beautifully. My hair is an amazing color that people try to get their whole lives, and its gorgeous. I am beautiful, and I am learning to see that.

But it's always darkest before the dawn.

Grew up inside a city built with way too many walls

Box like houses, institutions, rooms and floors and doors and halls

but no windows.

And I'd like to think that I grew up just enough okay to maybe just get by

but I look around this city and my head's asking me why.

Why would I choose just to stay here when I could choose to fly?
When I was little I know I had far more dreams.
I would dream of things bigger than my life had ever seen.
Well, I know now those things probably cant ever be.
But I do know I could try harder to see more than I see.
There's a fight deep inside, a fire taking over my mind.
I want to run forever as far as I can just to see what I'll find.
The world's gone to testing every word inside my head.
Showing me love and hate and mercy, grace and life and hurt and death.
Sometimes I'd rather take a drink than face the place where I reside.
No one notices it, so know one asks all that I hear inside.
For the longest time it seemed that everything would just collapse.
That I was too weak to move on, so I waited to relapse.
I thought, fuck it, its just too hard. The world won't give a damn
if I fall away from all I've known. They don't know where I am.
But I was too afraid of even that. So I tucked it all away.
Tried to forget everything they'd done to me and all the words they'd say
But I didn't work, did it.
There still somewhere deep in my head.
I know each single breathe between each violent word they ever said.
And they echo here.
For some reason I thought no one could ever save me.
So I tried and tried to save myself from everything they gave me.
I was wrong.
I know it now.
And I just want to leave.
I'm still learning to wake up and realize that I own the world in mind.
Maybe I was just too scared of letting it out. Afraid of what I'd find.
But I'm begging now.
I'm reaching for a life beyond where any of this started.
Shit, I'm trying to get by so hard. But I'm begging for catharsis.
There's a world larger than what I knew and you showed me how it could be.
And for a moment it changed everything I thought and I could finally see
beyond this place.
I love that face
that lights up with the night.
Sometimes I think if you just held me for hours than everything would be alright.
I know that's not true. But I feel safe, in the city and in your hands.
And while I know it probably won't always be so, I'll lean against you whenever I can.
I feel foolish. It's silly.
I'm just an average little girl
that's never done much to set my place, indifferent to the world.
Why would you want to stand by me? Hold me? Show me what you see?
I don't really deserve what you have to give, or anything you could give me.
But you do.
And I love it.
I love each word that comes from your mouth.
I spend hours each night thinking about them and trying to figure you out.
There was a time last night when the world was spinning and I could hardly walk
but it was beautiful. And I honestly meant every word I said when we talked.
Every time you say a single thing I just want to look you in the eye
and tell you how beautifully complex the thoughts are in your mind.
It was so beautiful.
The world was spinning. The lights and streets and time moved slow.
It can't happen as often as I'd like. Yeah I know.
But it can still happen.
I knew what you wanted to say from the moment we met the very first day.
I just wanted you to be the first one to say.
I appreciated that you did. And I'm gonna keep our yesterday
like a movie in my head. Nah, it'll never leave my view.
Please just keep holding on to me,
you're amazing.
And I'll keep holding onto you.
This world gets tough and I know we've both seen it from inside our heads to outside on the streets.
But it's not something too tough that we can't get through together. There's not a thing that we can't beat.
And I know now that this world is bigger than these walls that have kept me here.
I know now that my words can come out through my voice. They don't have to be held back in fear.
One day, you know, I'll get away. And maybe it might be with you.
But even if it's not, I know that's okay. Because right now we're together, getting through
this mess of a life that they've built for us now. And I think we're doing okay.
So hold my hand, I'll grip yours back so tight
and we'll dive head on into another day.

"Wires" By The Neighbourhood

If he said "Help me kill the president,"
I'd say he needs medicine.
Sick of screaming let us in
The wires got the best of him
All that he invested in
Goes straight to hell
Straight to hell.

He told me I should take it in
Listen to every word he's speaking
The wires are getting older
I can hear the way they're creaking.
As they're holding him, well
I can see it in his jaw
That all he ever wanted was a job.
He tells me to be raw
Admits to every little flaw
that never let him sit upon the top.
Won't tell me to stop
Thinks I should be a little cautious.

Boy, I can tell the wires pulled.

Deadly? Naw.

Sometimes, I form words
then immediately want to murder them all
brutally, to bits,
before they can kill anything else.
Or anyone.

I hope this wont come back to bite.

This admission will eat me alive, maybe.
Even if it was just one day or night
and then never again,
I'd say yes.
Id always say yes, at this point.
I'm up for open endedness.
I'm up for option
But until other options come knocking
I'm good with going for the one we have.
I cannot stay away.

Spider

The tricky little spider with the spiny little voice
Listen to him in the corner
In the night, my only choice
He's a killer, thief, and mastermind
At trickery
The cruelest kind
I follow blindly cause I must
Undying and undeserving trust
Just creep and slight all colored black
Hanging around, just on my back
And all the words deliberate and dark
Deep enough to pierce the thickest heart
He's sharp, ya hear? He'll knock you down.
He'll stab and beat and slash and drown
He doesn't regret and no one sees
So he sleeps
In the darkest part
in me.

Elusive, by nature.

There's a film there, on rewind
Replay and repay all the attention
A moment, frozen like a picture
And words surrounding it
So many words and thoughts.
I see them
There's color and shape and word
But mostly feeling
It was cold
I get very afraid sometimes
I was okay.
I was not okay in some part.
Nerves are half alive
I wish moments in time were not so split
Next time, hug me forever.
I felt safe.

Liquor Induced

I see this dream inside my head
Your breath, my neck
Your feet, my bed
Two people dancing,
A silhouette
Faces red with liquor,
love, and sweat
The night wears on
The music beats
Hearts dancing faster than our feet
The city lights drowning the streets
A brighter night than our first meet
Shh...we won't tell.
They'll never know
You whisper that you'll never go.
Breathe in, drink up, exhale, and know
The morning can't tell, but it'll show
Grab my hand, we run alone
Going somewhere, but never home
Street lights and steel and smoke and chrome
From youngest night
To the unknown
We both know that no one can forget
The mix of sex and drugs and sweat
Of course we know its face, and yet
The clothes come off
There's no regret
Two people, bodies intertwined
Alcohol and starlight all aligned
The firestorm the neurons find
The moment's yours and ours and mine
Air gets too thin to breathe too slow
The sun will come
Yeah, we both know
But we can keep it in our heads
Your breath, my neck
Your feet, my bed

Sometimes we just have to borrow other people's words.

"The nights of all my youth pressed into one glass of water."
"You're a shark and I'm swimming."
"My defeat sleeps top to toe with her success."
"The shadow burns across like embers tide paper."
"If love's a word that you say, say it. I will listen."
"You know, I won't say sorry. The pain has a bad reaction, a blend of fear and passion. You know what its like to believe. It makes me want to scream."
"I think I like today. I think it's good. It's something I can't wrap my head around."
"I can do anything if you want me here. And I can fix anything if you'll let me near. What are those secrets now that you're too scared to tell? I'll whisper them all aloud so you can hear yourself."
"The cure is if you let in just a little more love. I promise you this: a little's enough."
"You can't decipher reflections from reality, but neither can I."
"My mouth is dry with words I cannot verbalize."
"Let's get drunk you can drive us to the harbor, wish upon a star but do you know what stars are? Balls of fire, burning up the black space, falling from the landscape, exploding in the face of God. Let's get crazy. Talk about our big plans. Places that you're going. Places that I haven't been."
"But if I built you a city, would you let me? Would you tear it down?"
"So how will you clear your conscience when your clock unwinds?"
"Let's leave this life behind, forgetting all they say. The time we have is time well borrowed. Stay out all night, forget tomorrow."
"Let's you and me make a night of it. Old enough to know, but too young to care."
"Don't let them say it's just the way that you are."
"What great risk to truly live. We could die alone."
"I am like a machine. All that I really need is medicine and then I'll fall fast asleep. In my dreamlike state I'll pretend I'm unscathed but when I wake up my resilience fades. I know there's more to life than slavery. I'm tired of dying."
"Look at all that which surrounds me. I'm supposed to call this home? The dark has become so overwhelming, so why don't I just go."
"You're a reckless and romantic rogue. Your head is in the clouds. You'll be chained here all your life, shackled to the ground."
"Don't you ever dream of some place better, or a life that's greater?"

"Don't you ever feel like you've been destined for something bigger than your skin?"

"I can't help this feeling, my heart tells me to run. You were meant to rule the dark, I was meant to see the sun."
"I don't know you but I want you all the more for that. Words fall through me and always fool me and I can't react."
"Falling slowly, sing your melody. I'll sing along."

"Falling slowly, sing your melody. I'll sing along."

And Endless Array of Words

I cannot wait for the tomorrows life is bringing us.
Whether they be triumphant or tragic,
exciting or subtle,
I simply cannot wait.
Sometimes the words and the thoughts
bring up that spirit that has stirred inside me since I was small.
You know, that one small rebelliously compassionate spirit
that knows it can change the world
but just doesn't always quite know how.
You make me remember who I've been
and who I still am.
I like that. I like that very much.
This deep part of me is aching to be able
to describe each intricate feeling
with the same delicacy that my words do.
I don't know how. For now, this will have to suffice.
But I can promise you I am going to learn.
Not just for you, but for me as well.
You have inspired me.
There's still depths of my past you've yet to learn.
I know there's still corners of your mind
that are dark enough
that it will take much longer before I shed light on them.
That is okay.
My past brought forth a flurry of people
who, in all my innocence, I trusted wanted to get to know me
for more than a moment.
They didn't, and I know now.
It takes more than an encounter to learn another person.
We are intricate and vast.
We are moments, and minutes, and miles and miles.
I want to do this the right way.
I am doing this the right way.
Sometimes I get very afraid.
Most often I keep that fear to myself
and keep on walking with my chin up, letting my fear remain
unbeknownst to even the closest.
Since I was very young, I've gotten lost in the maze of my own thoughts.
I know you can understand that.
That amazes me.
My youth was vastly different from the norm
and I think yours was too.
You honestly do understand.
It's still early, I know.
Our eyes are still opening
To each other
To the world
I hope my endless array of words
doesn't end up annoying you or tiring you
or anything of the sort.
Because, in all honestly, this whole flurry of words
is because I honestly really like you.
The plain truth.
It seems so simple.
It is so simple.
And so much of me can't see very well how
such simple words could convey what I really mean by that.
I think you know though.
You really do get me.
At least, more so than most people I meet.
And by now you know my words
are an endless fleet of ships that keeps my brain safe and alive.
Please, don't mind my words.
I will admit, the fear is still in me
as it always is every time I let someone see
who I am.
I am afraid that you will look on in
and you will not like the view
and you will move forward.
I know it happens. I've seen it happen.
But I don't want that to happen to you.
There's nothing in my hands that can control the universe.
That scares us all.
But you understand me
and you stick up for me
and you know who I am better
in days
than many people can understand
in years.
And for some reason
that urges me to use every word I can muster up
to help explain the sheer, simple fact
that I really really like you
and would like to talk to you
for a long, long time.

Darker, Darker, Darker, Darker...

The miles are nothing anymore, I think.
I'd travel them.
I'd travel them in a heartbeat.
Sometimes in a serendipitous flurry
life bestows upon us
the most sincerely wonderful things.
That's what's happening.
I know it, somewhere in my bones
that you were waiting for a while
and I was waiting for a while
and the universe had to connect us.
It's a strange thing, the way the world turns
Even stranger how we are all tied together
The mornings and afternoons
The sunsets
and the blues just before dusk
We are all in a current.
You and I, sometimes we try
to swim back up that current
away from everyone else.
That's how I knew.
And now?
I wonder every day what else there is to learn.
Each moment of words brings me closer into you.
Your mind, as faceted and beautiful as my own,
fascinates me.
The nights aren't long enough to explore.
I keep dreaming of day that time will stop
so I can get to know every corner of your head.
I keep asking myself if I am awake.
I keep wondering if my words scare you
or if you believe the same thing I do.
That the world has successfully brought together two pieces
of a larger puzzle.
We were supposed to meet.
Right?
Because this world works in such mysterious,
lovely ways.
And I am enjoying every minute of it
that I can speak with you.

A Thank You Note

Something
that cannot be put into words
Just a feeling, I know
that things are moving forward
I am looking up.
At a loss to explain
the perplexity behind my eyes
at your understanding.
Nobody ever understands.
That's silly.
Right? .....right?
No....because you...you do.
You understand.
You see over and under and through
and word that has been written.
And you perceive and you wonder
and you know.
You know more of me
from days
than anyone else has known
from miles and years.
What can this even be called?
How did I even find this?
This loss for words,
it's beautiful.
I want to hold onto it.
To hold on to this light behind my eyes,
this smile,
this moment.
I want to tuck it away and remember
that not all the world will shy away
from depth and feeling.
I remember now.
I remember why I write.
I remember what I always felt as a child.
I am strong.
I am full of compassion.
I can change things if I wish to.
And my words?
My words mean something.
They are not just blank letters on a screen.
They are truths and triumphs and tragedies.
And I am very much alive
with a heartbeat that beats through all of them.
Thank you.

Regaining My Words, Again

It has been
a long, long time.
The words were boxed up with my life.
I have walked down all these streets.
I have lived.
But...sometimes I find things.
Like...there's buried treasure there.
The world holds all these things
that were never imagined
because of the sheer exhaustion in my soul.
Well, I fell asleep.
I slept a long, long time.
But I am awake now.
I can see tomorrows and years
and they are beautiful
with all their multitudes and facets.
And you, you are like a light.
Maybe you will know this.
You will feel me speaking directly to you
from the farthest part of my heart,
reaching, longingly
to connect.
Or maybe you won't.
But either way, you are becoming nearer to my vision.
Sometimes, I ask if I am still asleep.
It was so long since the colors came through.
I lived in a black and white world.
I was wondering, aimlessly, looking for someone to help me paint it.
But, tried and tired, I fell asleep in the streets.
I'm on my feet again.
I am ready.
Have you ever seen so many beautiful colors?
I haven't.
And I am excited,
and I am scared,
and I am hopeful.