A Tumbling of Things

When you finally see the horizon,
sometimes, its not what they made it seem.
There is no magical moment
where the feeling crests over you like a tide
and suddenly, you know where you're going.
God only know we need such clarity.
Sometimes, and hear me out,
just sometimes, I don't necessarily fall down
but I fall away. I tumble so far into
the depths of my mind
that even I can't see where the horizon should even go.
The pictures, they're momentary, like flashes.
Everything pours on top and cascades over
and it is so and too much all at once
that the average mind couldn't take it.
So much feeling. So much awe and
horrifying wonder. So...breathless.
You lose the words. It's the kind of awe one has
when driving by a fatal car accident.
You have to look. You just have to.
But then you become the fatal car accident
and when everyone is looking on in awestruck dumbness
you realize they don't feel anything at all.
Just pity. What a pity it is
to be so alone so deep in
your head.

What is this?

It stole my fucking words again.
I can listen to them. Oh boy, can I.
But I don't know where they were
placed, boxed up on a shelf, duct taped shut.
Race, race, race, sprint, trip, and fall.
What does your brain sound like walking?
Walk...I'd like to. Straight into the night.
I can fight with my footsteps.
Or I can stay.
I don't go outside.
I don't like shit. I don't like most of it.
I'm nothing but a word on my arm now,
fading with the ink.
Did I forget how to fight?
Or am I developing new ways
of waging war with
myself?

Faith is Acceptance, Too

It never really occurred to me
that some people might be afraid
that Your love is too big.
Too overwhelming
Unfamiliar in its vast, forgiving nature.
I guess I just always accepted that
Your love is bigger than I am.
It' wider than a thousand seas
and brighter than a million stars.
God, I've always known your love
was more than I can ever fathom,
and I suppose I accepted that.
Because as a child
I had prayers answered
and moments of awe
that could only have been inspired by
Your unchanging love and grace
cast upon my life.

Lost

Somethings tugging inside again.
It's a hurricane that started slowly.
Destruction. That's all.
You might miss it if you didn't know.
The darting of the eyes,
wide and unblinking.
The pacing and stumbling.
The murmurs and utterances
that mean nothing more than
the mouth they came from.
NO. Stop it...stop subjecting yourself
to such pity, such...
I don't know.
It's an outrage what I've done here.
Lost, clouded, wondering,
I can't even find myself
let alone my words.

What are you doing?

It hit the extreme
and I never meant it.
I need leading by hand
like I'm five again,
five and twenty;
Something I never will wish
ever again.
My white, snowy wonderland
is splattered in red,
and I thought nobody would notice.
They did.
I brought the hurricanes in,
and I'm sorry if you drowned.
Never meant to hurt a single soul.
Never meant to divide mine.
And now, now I have love.
I have requited love
and redeeming love.
C'mon kid. Push your chin up.
When will you see
that you have more than enough?

Morphing

Everywhere we walk

the sky lights up.

It's shining

In a beautiful multicolor display.

Come see.

We are aware of everything.

The world is so fucking big.

We are infinite.

Try to see past the lights.

Try to touch the sun.

Everything is in our realm, possible.

We have become the planet.

Too Much

Stars are just dead light, dissipating in front of our eyes.
My eyes held stars, but I can't see the light
anymore.
 They say its momentary.
A phase, an episode, a
destructive place to rest my head.
I tell them I am okay, fine,
alright; go to bed. I don't need anyone
to stay up with me.
Stay up with me,
please. I can't verbalize
what's really taking over.
It's taking over
everything inside of me.
I let it in. Let me in. Help me out.
Get me out of
this dark I'm stuck in.
Reach in and pull me back,
set me back, pull me up,
I can't do this.
I am too weak, too afraid,
too stubborn, and I have
lost my faith, lost my hope,
lost my will
to even mouth the words
"I'm sorry."
I am sorry.

Reflectionless

I write on my mirror what I need to know.
A list of how the day should go.
But rarely do I keep it up.
It's far too daunting to look up.
You see, I'm not who I have been.
I guess you'd say I'm not my friend.
I haven't been for quite a while.
I'm faking feels with every smile.
It's all momentary, though
I can't fathom where I would go.
Because I'm lost. This isn't me.
I'm just a ghost of what you see.
And every time, my mirror will try
to look me back, straight in the eye,
I cannot do it. My eyes fall down
to somewhere safe on darker ground.
I used to know who I was seeing
but the ghost pushes and I keep fleeing
to farther places. Rest my head
and maybe when I wake from bed
I'll have the know to remember this lesson;
A ghost cannot see its reflection.

Showdown

I don't remember the fog being this dense.
The times it rolled in, in the past
seem superficial now.
Like the fog was only up to my knees and
if I stopped for just a moment to look up
I could've noticed that it wasn't at my head yet.
Well, it is now.
And its seeping into the cracks in my skull,
dying to eat away at my sanity.
What is sanity, really?
I think I tried to pick it up at the hospital.
But what a weary place to try and find yourself.
I'm a wanderer. I've always been one.
But I am left alone now, wondering
where the other half of me has wondered off to.
I don't know this half.
I'm uncomfortable sitting with it.
Us, alone, in a waiting room
and I can't make eye contact.
I'm marking it's moves, waiting
for it to spring towards me
so I can run for the door.
But I need a map this time.
I have no idea where the door is and
if it lunges at me before I find it
will I lose who I am
forever?

Alternate Endings

"Beautifully tragic".
I fucking hate that phrase.
There's nothing beautiful about this mess.
There's nothing graceful about drowning.
Nothing okay about being locked in.
My mouth cant seem to form the words...
I get so fucking elusive.
If I could manage the sounds to tell you
everything inside of me
you would cry.
I can't look you in the eyes.
I can't talk.
I can barely move.
Did you notice?
The subtle loss of my grip on your hand.
Too weak to grasp any harder.
I don't want to let go.
Only cowards and fools and liars let go.
But he let go...and he was brave.
I'm not brave either.
There's no excuse good enough.
I just want you to know
that I am still in here.
That I still love you.
But I am far too weak to fight my way out right now.
I let the ghost take over.
It's eating at my from the inside out.
You don't need to carry that on your shoulders.
You already carry too much.
You can put me down if you need.
I am a thief, a criminal, a robber of compassion.
I keep taking and taking and talking and
eventually they all give up.
You are all reaching so abruptly.
You all know the alternate ending.
I never promised you anything but
I'm trying...sort of.
I'm tired of trying.
Eventually, you'll all stop reaching out.
You'll be angry, annoyed, and finished
trying to get to someone
who can't even find themselves.
I told you I was elusive.
I told you I was heading down.
I didn't tell you that I knew how easily
the alternate ending to this could go.
It's like an equation but
what it adds up to
is you broken, bleeding from the inside
and probably searching
for the same way out as me.
I could never do that to you...
right?...

Unlock Me, Please.

There's so much wishful thinking.
You know the real me 

wouldn't leave you like that.
I know you're scared.

It's okay. Im scared too.
The stomach-punched, appetite stealing kind of scared.
And each thought that weaves back
to the demons in my head,
fills you with a fear and anxiety that's new
to even your darkest part.
You didn't want to leave me.
You didn't want to sleep.
I didn't want to sleep
for different reasons.
But I wanted to sleep too,
for as long as I could.
I can feel very little.
I feel you trying to push in.
Inside, I'm screaming for you to push harder.
Question me.
Pierce my heart with your words.
Push and push until I cry.
Get angry, get
irate until
you know I'm resurfacing.
Until I feel again.
Because you've seen it now.
Remember it kid, its a warning.
When the words stop coming,
When my eyes go blank and
I can't keep them locked on yours.
When my answers turn to sighs and one word
satisfactory answers,
don't let them satisfy you.
Push.
Fucking push in until I break.
Because I'm in here. I am in here.
And I can't get myself out.
I know from experience.
This time is different.
This time is worse.
I'm too tired to reach out.
So please, please
if you have the energy
reach inside of me
and pull me out.

The Ghost Came Back

You don't know the ghost,
not yet.
But its peering out
from inside my head.
And rather than push it away
a darker me asked it to stay.
I shouldn't have.
But I don't care.
The me that's me is unaware
of all the danger pending, still
its far too weak
to hold its will.
It's gone, for now.
I'm not sure where.
Sometimes I'm lost.
But do I care?
They might as well
have shot up my heart
with Novocaine.
It has no part
in feeling anything from here.
I'll dissolve until I disappear.
My words already have
and these you read
were written by the ghost,
not me.
I wouldn't leave you
all so lost
at where I went
and what its cost.
But I'm losing sight of anything bright.
The ghost lives out the days like nights.
And I'm taken over.
Just like that.
Fell on the wrong side
and I can't go back.
I would try to claw my way back to
the fence I fell from. But the ghost knew
that I would try to escape. It stayed
pushing me down. And unafraid
of what the consequence would be
when I'm someone
that isn't me.

Density

There's no reason for these hollow traps

The quicksand-filled buckets 

that are hidden underneath my skull.

Was I born with them?

We're born as smaller wholes,

but I know something went missing.

I'm far too exhausted to find it

or fight it.

I don't know 

Where the trains going

When the sea stopped bowing

Why it's still a point of focus

My neurons are splintered

The pieces shank the front lobes of

my brain. 

My head hurts.

My head aches.

Nothing is ever going to be silent again,

Is it.

I'm so sorry...

Every part of me

wanted to scream and then cry.

Wanted to shake you 

then hold you

and tell you we would fix this.

We. 

You're not alone the way you feel.

I need you to know this.

And I tried my best 

to wipe the tears from my eyes.

It's late. I was just tired, right?

The things it does to me 

to see those lines.

I can't imagine the hurt.

I can't stand I wasn't there.

But I realized too...

I can't look myself in eyes

because I reflect back 

all I see in you.

And I'm sorry.

Because I know now

the stabbing pain it causes

when you learn the one bleeding

isn't you.

If you read this, then yeah.

I wish you would read this. 

I wish you would just run here.

I always tell you you don't have to.

I tell you both.

I say "No, don't worry. I'll be fine. Goodnight."

Goodnight...   .

It's that last little dot.

It means way too much.

I am way too elusive.

Please just keep hanging on, ok?

My mind fades slowly in the afternoons.

I end up at the bottom riddled with bullet holes.

I try to talk and tell and be honest.

Sometimes I can't.

My tongue is tied.

My mouth doesn't work.

I revert back to basics.

There's holes in my head where the words should be.

I'm slowly trying to fill them.

It's taking so fucking long.

So long... Just please...

Don't let me hear you can't help me.

I would never do that to you.

If you pull me back up, I swear,

I will keep holding on.

I am trying so hard.

I promise I'm trying.

Please, please,

don't let me be gone.

I don't want you gone either.

Ok? 

The Box Never Opened.

I didn't know how tired I was. 

And it stripped the breath right from my lungs.

The game I played was so unfair.

Fit only for me, but you're still there.

A brain that can't fathom it's next step.

A time in between to see what I have left.

Part of you knew I could still guard my heart.

Though I had keys in hand, you knew I couldn't start

to retrace all the bloodlines

borne into my veins.

And I'm sorry I forced you to stay up and stay.

It's a cycle, a show now, you weren't made to see

but you did. And I'm sorry. This isn't the me

that you grew up knowing.

And both of us know

that the cards I've been showing,

Well, we've seen them before.

Did you know I was bluffing?

Cause I sure didn't know.

Or did you just have the faith left

that I wouldn't let go?

I am terrified that my conscience 

has been stripped to the bone.

And nowhere and everywhere's

becoming my home.

I can ask you for nothing

but still I whisper screams

hoping you'll catch me falling

or catch me at the seams.

Cause it's aching. I'm trying,

with the courage I've borrowed,

to leave all of this behind

and stand again here,

tomorrow.