That's Where it Gets You

Bar fights, bro, he brought more than that.
A go-getter for the wrong types of things.
Sitting at the table demanding stability
and he was the most unstable fighter in the ring.
Watch him go and go and go.
He keeps it true but the truth ain't pretty
when the bills aren't paid and
his wife is pitied.
Nobody can get a word through his head.
The bullets ricochet off him, he said.
Nobody wants to test his claims at all.
They know he's been bluffing, and he's gonna fall.
But one day soon he'll see the stoplight
and he'll think he's entitled to go through.
With the impact fast, his life won't pass
in front of his eyes like they say it should do.
They'll say he was good, say what he would
have done had he survived.
But truth be told
he was way too bold.
That life would have been a lie.

Wordland

How do we pen down the words anymore
when they're already flying out of the
mouths of birds.
They're in the air and the wind
carries them to every inattentive ear.
Are we supposed to write them?
They're not mine.
It's a conflict I cannot resolve.
There's no solace in the in between.
I've got to find this treasure map
to a place nobody's ever seen.
And unheard of land that
even I am blind to.
The weight of that is...challenging.
So it takes caffeine and sleeplessness,
drugs and people,
and passing shadows we're fighting
to try and guide me to a place
even close on that map.
It seems I've been there before
but every time I try to come back
it changes places.
It's a cruel houdini and it bites down
on every syllable I try to take captive.
I thought I was on the horizon,
seeing land,
but I'm really just right where I started;
A soul alone with only keys
at my fingertips.

Who's more reckless now?

You're always going to think I'm sick.

Each decision I make, haphazardly thrown together somehow.

You think I'm still reckless, impulsive.

I'm a loaded gun ready to fire.

The hospitals are ready for me at any moment.

You expect me to go back.

And though you say you want more

and you believe I am more

your eyes show a lack of belief

that's a razor to my soul.

Take the pills. 

Practice the skills.

Breathe deep and keep going.

Your encouragement has become poison.

When things are two sided

they aren't worth twice as much.

They're worth nothing.

I am still in here, burning brightly.

My mind is ticking away 

just like it used to and always has.

You've made a trust into a treasure map

and blindfolded me

telling me to go earn the reward.

What more can I do to show?

I used to be a robot

and the doctors gave me new light

and new power.

But you keep unplugging me.
How am I ever supposed to see the light
when I'm being kept inside
to stay "safe".

Power Failure

The robot woke up 

fully charged, ready to be.

The day, cloudy but he

had the LED's shining 

from his face.

And friends.

He had those even if

they weren't metal and

cold, wired masses.

Then the sun sets.

The robot goes back

to the grid.

To charge

To be comfortable

He sits down

and closes his eyes,

expecting a new day ahead.

But somebody pulled the plug.

He never saw the sun.

Serendipitous

This is ridiculous isn't it?

The way we connect like it's been

all our lives?

What happened to the mind traps

that I was inevitably stuck in?

They weren't so invincible, I suppose.

You're an arrow into the center

of my being.

You shake things up

that I thought were nailed down.

Just the way

this keeps on working out

is enough to keep me on my toes.

Does it do the same for you?

Lies Bipolar Tells Me

I can feel an episode come on like a slow wave on the horizon
and I am the sand.
I know its gonna wash over me, and eventually
it will recede with the tide.
But for now? I'm terrified.
These are the lies my brain is telling me:
You are annoying. Stop talking so much.
Nobody wants to hear about your problems.
People have other things to do than talk to you.
You are ultimately alone.
Everyone isn't gonna be there for you all the time.
Suck it up. Stop it. You can if you try.
You're the bad guy. You hurt people.
You're ugly and stupid.
There's nothing exceptional about you.
You're broken.
You're going to be alone forever.
You've lost your way with words.
You're exhausting to be around.
Stop trying. Stop talking. Stop.
Just.
Stop.
I want it to stop flickering through my mind.
I don't want to believe any of those things.
Sometimes though, I do.
Sometimes, like now, I do.
It's all too easy
to feel alone in the world.

The Heart Rambles

All of my self is
unabashedly enamored with
your eyes,
your smile,
your mind and heart,
and the way your face looks when
you laugh.
I have always been one
who's just stepping through shadows
silent.
The words drop from my fingertips
but none fall from my mouth.
I knew that you knew.
You saw my eyes.
But how can I compete
with the light
emanating from your life?
I never wanted a typical relationship.
I didn't know what I wanted.
Not, at least,
until last night.
Sometimes when we speak
the words that need spoken,
even we are surprised at them.
You know my heart as if
I had handed you the movie script.
How? I'll leave that to guess, but
I'm glad.
No,
I'm more than that.
I'm elated.
We sat and we talked
and the words you uttered
darted straigh towards my heart,
too.
But inside I'm small.
I'm shy. I am
afraid.
Maybe sometimes, you are too.
But you spoke light to my mind.
I know I cannot keep you forever.
Rebound is such a shitty word
to descsribe my feelings.
This thing, that yet I cannot name
is better than that.
Sometimes all I need
is a touch, a hug,
the closeness.
Friend, it's not a lie to say I'm
in love.
But it's different.
I know someday this won't be able
to happen.
I'm aware of all
the implications.
But for now?
Well, can I please just
curl up with you?
We can revel in the moment.
We can remind each other
that we are never alone.
We will never be.
We have each other. And while the
definition of our love may change,
it will never go away.
You saw my eyes. You always do.
Aching to kiss--
...aching to hug you goodbye.
My words are so much more bold
than I've ever been.
I will work on it.
We will work on this.
And no matter what happens
we will have each other
forever,
and in whatever capacity
we both need.
But in all honesty,
if we are about telling the truth,
I know I cannot keep you,
but if you could be mine,
for a moment,
It would be the loveliest thing
that has happened since
I met you.

Daydream

Your mind has been on mine all day.
I retreated inside my head
and entertained my "what ifs".
It's a dangerous and addicting thing to do.
It's like a drug.
I'm overwhelmed, but
this time in a good way.
I don't mean to seem impatient.
It's just that
the universe
has this undeniable tug
pulling me in your direction.
Your eyes are full of wonder.
I find myself wondering
what's inside.
I find myself dreaming
ways that we talk,
ways that we see,
ways that we
love.
Don't tell me anything
that I don't wanna hear.
Don't tell me yet.
Just give me a little bit
to keep living in my dreams.
You can live in them with me,
I mean,
you already
kind of
do.