It's not that I keep hanging on...I'm never letting go.

All I want...
To be five again and free.
To dance and play in the rain
without worries of getting sick.
To not be sick.
Not my body.
Not my mind.
To tell the Patron Saint of Lost Causes,
"Jude, I want myself back please."
I would listen if I were him.
My friends...they're time.
Just back to them, please.
The time I've taken and
the happiness I've stolen.
All given back to them.
Dismantle and then repair me.
I want to be helped and saved
and stop.
I want to stop.
I want to look
and listen
and hear
and feel
anything but where
and what
and who
I am now
and
this is.

This Is a Little More Than Regret

If you knew me
like I knew me
you would know...
My nights, while sleeping, never rest.
I do as well I can, but it's not my best, and
I'm still a little behind the times.
My eyes are blind and I'm reaching out.
I'm screaming and it echoes doubt.
If you could hear
the way I hear...
you'd know each day brings greater fear.
I hear the lies and they stand still
just pushing at my bending will.
And how, last night, I gave in just a bit.
Cause I was lost for a moment.
Cause I wanted to quit.
And the morning awoke me, wondering why...
Why I'd go back to that
and why I'd even try.
So I tried and I tried to say it was a dream
but the proofs just skin deep
and I hear it when I scream.

Request...

When I stood in the rain
and stared at the city
I said "Bring it on. I can handle it all."
So I let the rain fall.
And flood. And flood
until my feet were stuck and I sunk
in the mud.
Now I know what I should've known
way back then.
I can't do it alone.
I need you again.
Any my brother,
I'm sorry. It was no way to stand.
My sister,
I'm so sorry. I so need your hand.
Pull me out, pull me through,
and hold me there tight.
Because all I want now is to make it alright.
I have cast all my stones off
and thrown them on your shoulders.
Time to step up my act cause
I'm so much older.
I can't do this me. I can't do this to you.
But I still can't figure out
what I have to do.
Or maybe I know and fears holding me down.
It's pinned me in the fault line
crushed by the ground.
It's so cold. Always. So cold in my world.
And the water is rising.
And it isn't surprising
that I'm drowning so fast.
But its surprising that the past
hadn't brought me right here, stranded on my knees.
I'm asking. I'm hoping. I'm begging you...please.
Figure out and remember where I was
in September.
Figure out and know
where I am now. Where I'll go
if I don't have a hand. I can't stand.
I ...can't...stand.
And can't breathe. I can't think. I can't see.
And my minds folding over
inside and now out.
I will admit that it hurts
and I'll admit I have doubt.
But I'm holding on tight to each little thread
of this life I have left. I wont be left for dead.
But my brain wants me gone
and I'm arguing back.
I know I was strong
but that was in the past.
I'm fallen now, darkened,
so tired and lost.
I should've told you but
I didn't know if your heart
would be the cost
to save me.
But I'm asking now please
I am tired and shaking.
Take my heart and save it.
It's yours for the taking.

Outrage:Loss

I designed my own world once.
Each color, intricately chosen by hand, and so much detail and thought.
I painted the towns with my wonder.
And then the hurricanes came. And you were them.
And you let the towns drown
and all the color dripped from your fingertips.
It should have been obvious you did it
with all the blood on your hands. All the...paint.
And even the children drowned at your mercy.
Can we call it mercy really? Or cruelty.
Maybe I judge too harshly. We're all guilty.
And I'm just another face, losing my mind.
But I was a painter once. Once I was.
But you ripped through that.
I pulled myself underground, bundled tightly for the cold
and it stung my face with discipline.
Told me, "Sit down child and listen, but do not move."
So I stayed under and the world walked atop.
I was not part of the world. You did not drown me
but I was a child.
I am not a child any longer.
But I would still like to be a painter.
And so I lived in the world of snow,
where even the cold was warm inside
and the white, blank atmosphere
was a never ending canvas I painted with my footsteps.
You can't take that away anymore. It's my world.
And you can't take it away
unless you take away my eyes.
Go.

Blame.

Five seconds,
let me be a mirror
Sounding like I hate myself
but I don't
I am clay, playdough, wood
The worlds sculptor hands
And we handed you the sceptor
but I don't know why.
Can't walk away
Cannot breathe or speak even
I don't feel a thing.
Stop holding back
Unleash each faithful blow
right to the skull.
Right to the stomach
Fill my ears with the poison of
decietful letters.
Fade, fade, fade...and then stop
before we disappear
Give us time to build our paper houses
the fade the color once again
I won't scream anymore.
No...I don't think I will.
Calm. Calm. Asleep
I can only scream while sleeping.
It's no surprise right?
After all,
the sounds only changed
because you let them.

It's Not a Train of Thought, but a Train of Color.

My eyes are alight...
Just like a child, and I'm looking on
in awe and wonder
I really dont know.
I don't know why, honestly.
You can ask me anything.
Say anything
Tell anything
And I just want to
Scream.
Anything.
Why do I wish so bad that you knew?!
Because I know, somewhere,
in that endless heart of yours
you know the colors I'm dreaming up.
Don't you.
Oh boy...where am I going?
There's a streetlight and a dream
and I'm walking.
Tell me, are you going to follow?
Will you know?
Asking too many questions and not
even expecting answers.
No wonder I want my last words to be
simply, "Why not?"

Even I'm a Contradiction

No matter how many days
(and counting...over hundreds)
I insignificantly dismember my emotion
these words still keep me steady.
They keep me steady less
or equal to
your words.
Your words, not in writing,
but still keep me as steady
as need be.
Only days, I know. Only days...
I'd like to say every word
my heart has pressed to my fingers.
But there is so and too much color.
Would that scare you?
Would I scare you?
Or would you let me share my world
with you....
I don't take chances or risks.
Like before, I will say, this is not
a math equation
and I have no answer.
But I'm looking for one.
No book, no letters, no numbers, no lesson
can ever teach me
what it's like to be loved
and what its like to smile.
But one day the world will teach me.
And I apologize
for apologizing for
the fact I feel so so deeply.
But I cannot lie. I will not lie.
I care. Far more than I should let myself.
Do not think about it too hard but
just know...
I have always been able to hold myself up.
And...if the day comes that
you find you might need someone
to help hold you up, well
my door is always open
just like my heart.

Nobody really wants to know...

I breathed and lived and walked.
I'm walking and living and breathing.
I'm alive and I'm searching
but have found hardly more.
I'm a fake.
I say, fuck this. Fuck everything to do
with contrition and apathy and hate.
I'm a fake.
Where I lied was where I shouldn't have.
Where I should've told the truth was
where they could've saved me.
I'm a fake.
Bleed because I lie because I know
the truth would make them bleed.
Nobody wants to know whats wrong.
Not really. Not even in asking.
I'm a fake.
My beliefs are all straight up. Truth.
I told all of who I am the way I am.
All except the way I feel.
And that makes me so unreal.
I'm a fake.

Under one flag.

A penny for my thoughts, eh?...
But do you really want to hear?
So fallen, down into the day.
So cloaked within a fear.
And I wonder with the whirlwind
that left you in the dust;
Do you know where all my worlds have been?
Out in the rain, to rust
Or maybe simply just stormed down upon
I'm never letting go.
But if you are one, and I am none
then will it ever show?
Peace and love and life and loss
were not like math equations
But we stand under this pointless flag
and call ourselves a nation
United on no common cause
but labeled with condition
Can I say I'm saddened at the loss
and stricken with it's contrition?
Or do I even know my own words?
They make no sense when read.
But they made sense to the heart they're from
when once inside my head.
I just want to do all I can do
to end all that I can.
I just want to be an ordinary kid
with an extraordinary plan.
I want to know peace and walk with him,
something I wish they could feel.
I want to love and live
and laugh and share
all that I know
is real.

So, And Too Often.

I pressed the coffee to my lips
full well knowing the aftermath it causes.
But my eyes were tired
My heartbeat slowing,
but hands were on the wheel
I could not slow down.
She looked so fragile last night
lying in my arms, and helpless.
And I cried hoping she would not know.
She knew for a moment
I am so sorry
So, and too sorry for my own good
little sister
Who would think I'd been fighting?
Not just my eyes right now
(Only moments of sleep...only hours)
but my whole being
Jumping out of my skin
Split in half and constantly
changing along a spectrum
I have been fighting and then
I screamed for help until I lost
my breath
Until I fell over
sick and tired, and helpless
She told me "have some self discipline, child"
Well, I do. I do and I try very hard.
But the closet monsters...they forgot to check
I know I lied. I know I was wrong
But I'm screaming for help now
(Okay?)
Who could ever know I was fighting?
I am fighting.
A closet monster
A demon
A feeling of selfishness and many many
sleepless night.
A terror of losing control
to rages, and highs, and insanity
that I cannot control.
Who could ever think to reach out?
To guess that
I am fighting
myself.
But so is she, and her eyes closed in my arms.
(Don't let her feel guilty for me helping her fight too.
I love her as blood, and she
helps me in helping.)
So I shook her in
five minute intervals
to keep her conscious,
holding her tight.