I Am...Here

If I close my eyes, it's not there.
But I cant close my eyes.
And I'm scared.
Like a small little child,
afraid of the dark,
I am stuck here.
Alone.
Hugging my own shoulders so tightly.
I scream without sound
when I am asleep.
And in waking I walk with my steps so light
that nobody would know
how heavy my world is.
I pray every night and
every morning
that my prayers would reach your deaf ears.
Are you even listening?
Cause I'm here
and I'm lost and
I don't know why
you left me.

So I Thought (Flyleaf)

Ignorance is bliss, cherish it.
Pretty neighborhoods,
you learn too much to hold.
Believe it not.
And fight the tears
with pretty smiles and lies about the times.

A year goes by...
And I
can't talk about it.
The times weren't right...
And I
couldn't talk about it.

Screaming..

What if I was wrong??
And what if...
My lungs are giving out.
I'm screamin so loud that theres no sound
so you can't hear me.
Do you EVER hear me?
I always ask you.
And you lie but I love you.
I love you, you know?
And sometimes its hard but
I do it anyways.
I need you to look me in the face.
To promise me this will stop.
No stop to my face but altogether.
I don't take well to lies because
relationships build on trust.
Then what do we have?
You're my reason for smiles a lot and
you've saved me.
So why won't you listen?
I can't keep doing this.
I can't keep backing up lies.
I can't keep
screaming.

Lamentations/ I'm Just Wishing...

Today I woke up
and was rained on by fire.
The smoke clouded my eyes.
Now,
I can't breathe well.
But he cannot either.
And from you to me,
I just want happiness on him.
So we find out...the monster was really
bigger than we thought it was.
And traces of him
are still hidden in the closet.
I put the whole puzzle
together in time.
But Im gonna hate to tell you.
I hate to know.
Its supposed to rain today
but outside its still bright.
But its raining in here
and it will be tonight.
So forgive me, but I
think that maybe this is
the end of some things.
I hope not of us but
I'll do what is right.
All the soldiers fight for causes
and my cause is the truth.
It'll be known one way or another...
So today I'll just try
and rest my head and breathe.
But tomorrow I'll pray
fervently, forever,
that he can know what love is
when its not breaking your heart.

I Should Tell You

I should tell you...
my intentions are bitter.
I hold trust in my palm
that should never be trusted.
I'm broken and breaking
your heart, also.
So soon please, just leave me.
Leave me to myself.
Leave me to my hereafter
that I'm so fearfully unsure of.
Love is something I knew
once upon a time.
Do I still?
I am the phantom
The monster
The asassin
The destroyer
Did I have a choice?
The sky was gray today
when I woke up.
I think it triggered all this
but
I think something else
played a part.
I think maybe
finally
I know what it is
to remember
and regret.

Help?

I watched the way work banged up my skin, mezmerized
and was reminded of older times.
Who saves the savior?
Blood is burning fire through my veins.
And I'm all show.
And no one, I know, will read this.
And if they do, not seriously.
And if then, not caring.
I need your help..
I want to give up to it again.
I want to surrender...

And Now I Remember..

Today, I remembered.
His face, his smile, and his light.
And I didn't want to.
He could turn around a day and I
wanted to be just like him.
I can't say that anymore
or they'll cry.
He seemed
so happy.
So putogether and alive.
But I didn't know.
I was young, wasn't I?
But I knew something inside him
was as big as you or I.
His heart and his love and...
Why didn't anyone reach out?
I cried that day but
I don't think I knew him as well as I could.
I didn't.
My mistake now unfixable.
We tried didn't we? Or at least they did.
But he was so far away.
So distant in himself.
I thought he had so much joy but,
I was wrong.
And now he's gone
forever.

Nate

Sometimes I just
want to give up my writing.
Because his words are the ones
that my hands can't quite type up.
That my mouth can't quite find.
That my pen can't quite reach.
He speaks to my heart
and it's soft spots and
I am speechless.
He's got so much in him.
So many endless words.
So much endless love.
It's almost like sometimes,
he knows every piece of me
that I've tried to forget.
But he doesn't.
Does he even know me at all?
And do I...?

Sometimes, I Am.

I want to scream.
I am a sinner.
Everyone bone in my body leaning against me.
Aching.
Crying.
We spend endless nights
and endless chances
to murder.
Hearts
Hands
Head on a shoulder.
A head thats not mine, as mine
unreached, stands.
We don't see.
We don't listen.
We don't breathe
because
it's harder than drowning.
Loving is learning.
We learn to love.
And lose our knowledge of all that is good.
I'm a sinner.
Broken.
Failed.
Trying.
Liar.
Theif.
Murderer.
But working.
Because who I am
is somewhere between
angel and demon.
Where the Jesus who loves me
can just pick me up.
Where is he now?
And they say, "Right besides you.
I believe but dont see.
Blind
Reaching
Holding
Learning
I am becoming a lover.
Found
Smiling
Dreaming
Shining
And held.

We Don't Deserve To Reach the Stars

Take a little girl and show her
all a dream that never was.
And you stand there, innocently
seeking redemption.
Oh, your eyes.
And how she sits there...just so silent.
Is she alone? Inside herself.
We all look onward.
We dont look inside.
And our actions will remain
unaffective.
Sometimes she whispers
and you can hear, "I love you."
It falls on deaf ears and
all the hearts its meant to reach
are boxed up.
Kept up
dusty on a shelf.
What do we do without them?
Always nothing
but wander and wonder
and wish.
And to the little girl
sitting silent alone,
staring out onto the stars;
She sees whats not ours.
And they never will be.
Shining, distant...
Who are we to touch them?

Jars. Of. Clay. -Wisdom In Small Bits, From "The Long Fall Back To Earth"

So here's some snippets from Jars of Clay's new CD The Long Fall Back to Earth. Why did I post them? Cause this CD is life changingly spectacular, and I wanted to share its awesomeness. Please check it out and tell me what you think.


"Hallelujah, we can finally see. It's a miracle we feel anything at all. So lay your weapons down. There are no enemies in front of you." -Weapons

"I have a broken disposition: I'm a liar who thirsts for the truth. And while I ache for faith to hold me, I need to feel the scars and see the proof." - Two Hands

"But if you want my love, well you've got to get close to me. If you need my love well you've got to get closer to me. Oh, if you want my love.....I don't understand why we can't get close enough. I want your kite strings tangled in my trees all wrapped up. No, I don't understand why we can't get close enough. I'll be the comets that are falling from the sky you light up." -Closer

"I search for shelter near the mines we swept. I guess forgiveness hasn't happened yet. There are no words that I can say to you to turn this careless sky from black to blue. So I'm asking you...is it safe? Is it safe to land? Cause I'm not going far on an empty heart. Is it safe? Is it safe to land? Cause the long fall back to earth is the hardest part." -Safe to Land

"I don't have to hear it, if I don't want to. I can drown this out. Pull the curtains down on you. It's a heavy world. It's too much for me to care. If I close my eyes, it's not there...with my headphones on. " -Headphones

"You told them that I hung the moon. It was a lonely sliver hanging from the sky. I said I put it there for you. I didn't think that it would make you cry. Don't stop, don't stop for me now."- Don't Stop

"Lesson one, do not hide. Lesson two, there are right ways to fight. And if you have questions, we can talk through the night. So you know who you are, and you know what you want. I've been where you're going , and it's not that far. It's too far to walk, but you don't have to run. You'll get there in time." -Boys (Lesson One)

It's A Perspective, Happiness.

This isn't what we came here for.
We came here to put out foot to the pedal
and to drive on forever,
watching the sky fall down on use
in jagged puzzle pieces.
Mine are gray and yours are blue.
But it all depends on what happy means to you.
My worlds are gray and I'm dancing in dark.
With raindrops like beauty falling down,
twirl around.
I am lost in a childhood that
never had me.
Be a princess for today.
Am I 16 or 3?
Let's go back to a city that wasn't a city at all.
Miles and miles of just fields and freedom.
Hot summer days and cold winter snowmen.
We laughed, we sang, and I sang out my lungs.
Flip track, minor set backs, but laughing as we got up.
We are soul searching again here.
We are running too far.
Can I jump in your car? We can drvie
forever and ever.
I imagine as I run
that I'm running away to a better world.
A world without a sun.
My good days are all cloudy
as far as I see.
Gray and swirling, its all I know;
What happy means to me.

Individualism.

Woke up finally, and opened my eyes
to a city of ashes in your hands.
Where I was standing
was atop of a hill.
It overlooked all I knew,
but somehow I was still
not satisfied. You said it was different for you.
But I knew your happiness was fake.
Oh, how I knew.
And that moment I realized
I changed my direction.
I don't need your approval
or your protection. Cause
I am an individual.
I know where I stand.
You laugh at my motives, and all my beliefs.
But I'll remain unmoving.
Forever and ever.
And you will never
be able to tell me who I am.
Cause am firm where I'm standing.
And I know where I'm going.
And maybe to you, my reality isn't showing.
But to me its quite clear,
and I know where I'm headed.
I'll look back on this hill
and realize its all I've dreaded.
Being stuck here in time, without a moment to reason.
I am leaving with the wind
and I'm changing with the seasons.
So this is who I am now.
I'm becoming beauty in my hands.
And this is where Im going now.
I'm done standing where you stand.
Forever.

In Boxes

Listening sometimes gets to me.
When I hear those words
and they pierce my brain.
They contradict their love with them.
Sometimes I just consider straight up
getting it out.
But I can't really, can I?
They don't want to hear.
Not at all.
I'll be stuck here.
Stuck in this box
with these walls.
They see my face and night
and frown with me too.
I know it.
But they can't talk. And
I'd be foolish to think they could.
Can I find a way out of here?
Run out, through the window.
And I would.
But they're all locked.

NOTICE. One Time Only. Read.

I am only going to post this one time. And I'm not sure anyone will read it or follow anything it says, but oh well.

I've decided I'm tired of a great many things. And that I want to do something about it.

So I started this new blog.

It's nothing huge, but I'd really love you to read it, follow it, and comment on it whenever possible.

It'll be a journey really. And if you'd like to get to know what I'm thinking, you'll be able to.

Here the link:
http://kayasmovement.blogspot.com/