I Will Always Sleep With the Light On

The nightmares woke me as a child.

The cruelest things and violent scenes.

And until seven they still defiled

each night with harm inside my dreams.

I will always sleep with a light on.

I've seen the evil that exists.

This world hides the cruelest truths.

They burnt me down in endless bliss

as they corrupted all my youth.

I will always sleep with a light on.

The first time I knew I loved you

was the day I realized you'd always be

right besides me as long as I'd wish,

but always slightly out of reach.

I will always sleep with a light on.

The day I first learned to fall out of love

was days after I'd known the blade.

I watched my heart break to the floor

and everything around me fade.

I will always sleep with the light on.

The dark crept in inside my head.

I've chased it away all my time.

But still it lingers in things I've said.

Both from my mouth and here in rhyme.

I will always sleep with the light on.

I watched the daylight fade away.

The days are brighter than before.

But still each night I stop and pray

that I will see the light some more.

I will always sleep with the light on.

Stuck Between a Decision and a Feeling

Never let your heart get in the way of your head.

I told myself this over and over again.

Then the moment you walked in I forgot.

Your eyes took away everything I knew but you.

And I can't say no

to anything

you ask.

What a dangerous conundrum

to be stuck inside this fault.

I have nothing to hold to

except a hope and dream, a future.

And when that all falls away

I'll be falling still for you.

It's a weird thing to know

you'll always be just out of reach.

It's a weird feeling learning to

accept impossibilities.

But you can't ask me to overcome

the fear of being the only one

who gets shot down just by her eyes.

It's honestly not really a surprise.

I walked right in an yelled my mind.

It made you smile, but burned her ears.

It's all my fault. But even years

can't take away the things I've said.

We may not ever get along.

All day long I've tried to find a song.

But there's no words for this long of a story.

It's much too detailed for the ears.

My heart can feel the weight forever.

It still will feel it for years and years.

Learning to Let Go Again

If love matters the most,

then you matter most to me.

Behind your transparent eyes

I see the world that could exist

between you and I.

Every word, every moment,

every glance, I can see

so much around you.

There's a hurricane inside my head.

Please understand, It's not my fault.

But the beauty that surrounds your life

unfolds itself around me

and I cannot stay away.

You've held your hand out

so metaphorically close

and told me to hold on.

I'd never let go.

But some days you're like a child.

All I want to do is hold you tight

and tell you that

the world is alright

and you will be okay.

But I am not yours.

And you're not mine.

They say that if you love someone

you have to let them go.

I'll always be walking by you in life but

I'm trying to let you go in

that painful part of my heart.

Because I do, in fact,

love you.

I love you more than

I can ever let anyone know.

And so I'm letting you go.

It's your decision.

Left Behind

If you asked me to write what's on my heart

it would sound like an avalanche

tearing apart

everything that I've worked for.

But that's just how it goes.

The cycle of natural destruction

is the only one I know.

I keep swinging my feet off the dock

hoping maybe I'll fall in.

It'd just be an accident.

No one could place the blame.

But I'll back them against a wall

and take everyone's name

until I realize the fault is none

but my own.

Sweep me off of my feet

and take me home.

This is My Own

Pick up my mind. It's in pieces at your feet.

There's nothing you can do to restrain me now.

You'll have to pin me down and somehow

tie me back. Cage me in.

Lock me up and throw away the key.

Everything that should be

isn't here. It never came. It never showed

by any name.

This was supposed to be a world

filled with every shade of light.

The rainbow shined once in my eyes.

That was a dream, but

who's to say

that I could never see my day?

You pushed until we reached the edge.

That violent wave that passed the ledge

and made me jump into the sea.

You are not you. But you're not me.

I have a voice that's all my own.

Go listen and then please go home.

Lie awake until you know

that everything you thought was true

was never here.

And I'm not you.

Return

Sometimes all I need is a muse.

Like when everything I thought I loved and knew

comes untrue.

It's all untrue.

And you, you just sit there

and watch from afar.

View my heart. It's not hard

to see my heart.

It's burning in this fire.

Reaching higher than the hills.

And if it was your desire

to bury me, then that's my will.

Your wish is all I want to be.

I used to wish that I was free.

But if freedom is something you despise

then I will turn my wandering eyes.

Take me home. It is not here.

I've lost my will, my faith,

my fear.

And everything I once held dear

is gone.

A Million Truths

"How I wish you could see the potential...

the potential of you and me.

It's like a book elegantly bound, but

in a language that you can't read

just yet."

I think I love you.

I think I wish you loved me back.

Every time you smile, I smile too. I can't help it.

When you talk, I always listen.

I remember every word you say.

You have a way about you that no one else does.

When you walk into view, my day gets better.

You are more beautiful than anyone I know.

I wish you knew the way I saw you.

I wish every day I could make you happy.

I know that I can make you laugh.

Nobody can make my eyes smile anymore like you do.

I would wait forever.

I would do anything at all.

I would leave here and let you forget me if that's what you wanted.

That's not what I want.

I want to hold you forever.

I want to tell you I love you every night.

I want you to smile and know

that someone is always going to be there for you

with no stress, no worries,

no arguments. Just a love

that would bend over backwards

to put a smile

on your face.

What Can Never Be Stolen

I was a fool to think you couldn't love me

just because I'd run away.

I'd turned my face from all you are.

Forgotten that you light the stars

And when the night came down and I finally saw

the things I'd done all standing near

I cried and wondered why you'd want to be near

a sinner in saints clothes.

But you picked me up and held me close.

And told me, "Child, I already know.

These things you've done can never cause

me to love you any less.

You are mine. And you are blessed.

And I will always love you."

Well I cried because I knew it was true.

All the things I've done against you

would never be held back against me.

It's a wonder, one I'll treasure close.

Yeah, I'm still running, but you know

that every day I'm just a mile closer

to a home that you are in.

There is no race. Nothing to win.

Cause I've already won all your love.

From the day I was born I was yours.

Call me by name, call me your bride,

take your daughter to your side

and hold me there until I cry.

Then tuck me in, light up my sky,

and stay beside me through the night.

Let me know

each time I wake

that you love me.

And that's something

no one

can take.

Second Chance Words

These words were dying, but you brought them back.

One word for every moment I've lacked

the words to say to tell you why

I won't always let you catch my eye.

It sounds cliched, but the past has claws

that reach out here and find my flaws.

I'm afraid that if you look to deep

you'll find out why. And you won't sleep.

I'm not a saint. I'm the farthest from

anything God keeps close in His kingdom.

But I still try to save them all.

You wouldn't imagine how much I fall.

I spend more time staring at the ground

just wishing and waiting to be found

than I do running to what's ahead.

Just please, don't hold the words I've said

against me. Not in any way.

Because there's still things I want to say

that can cover all the shadows I've cast.

And I want you to be something that lasts.

I want you to see that you're a star

and the looks you give reach to my heart.

It sounds so lame, but all you know

could save them all if you'd let it show.

There's something inside you that I've always lacked.

A courage, a love willing to fight back.

And like me, you've fought demons

that would bring the kings to their knees.

But they're demons that most people really can't see.

I know what that fight's like. I've fought it myself.

But you've fought it largely without the world's helped.

I'm impressed, though I imagine you cannot see why

that's at all impressive because it just made you cry.

What's beautiful is the fact you've held it at bay

and fought for your heart, despite what they say.

No matter what else the world has told you they see

there's something inside you visible only to me.

Tell me if I'm wrong. And I want you to know

if you let me inside, then I'll never go.

As long as you ask me to stay here with you

then that's what I plan to always do.

See, you bring back my words. That's a miracle itself.

They were just sitting for so long upon dusty shelves.

But you reached up unknowingly and handed them down.

And now I can reach them and turn things around.

I'd like you to know that there's still more to tell

but I'd still like to tell you. And honestly, well,

you're clouding my vision. But I really don't mind.

It's the hearts just like yours

that seem so hard

to find.

Yeah, I'm Drifting

Secretly, I'm a saint in sinner's clothes.

A wolf drifting through the sheep

But even the wolves regret killing.

Maybe one day I'll come around.

There's so much I wish you knew.

So many tired moments

I wish I could retract.

You have every piece that I lack.

Did you know that?

Someday the sun's gonna come up

and maybe we can both see it together.

I have this habit of

walking through the door,

shaking up people's lives,

then waving goodbye.

They walk away to something more.

But if I can save one life

I'll save a million more.

I promised I'd do that to more than myself.

I'm on the edge of falling into this

for about the hundredth time.

What am I supposed to do about it?

I always trust when I see a smile.

But there's something different in the way you do.

Each little thing adds up to a light.

The way you smile with your eyes.

There's this light inside you that spills over.

I want to tell you.

I think you know.

But you and I, we're so much alike.

You tend to think more of others

than you do yourself.

Let me hold you up there

for the world to see.

I've never lived my life for me.

Tell me this isn't a lie and

I'm not dreaming.

I think you understand.

I think you know.

And maybe if I'm lucky

you'll return the feeling.

To the Wolves

I'm used to being left to the wolves.

Even when I couldn't walk, I kept trying to find you.

I don't make enemies.

The knives adorn my back.

Forgiveness is a weakness for me.

Let me rest for just a moment please.

All I need is to catch my breath.

I haven't been breathing for years

but still,

I'm not dead.

Not yet.

This is the correlation of salvation and love.

Dear God...

I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. I know I promised that I'd do whatever it took. I know I begged for You to make it my life; my reason for being here. And You did. But I was only seven. I didn't know that whatever it took would mean such taxing things. I didn't know it would involve telling someone you love them even after they put a knife to your throat...forgiving someone despite the fact that they held you down, screaming at you to stop crying...letting someone you love go, even when you still loved them...holding someone up all night just so they would keep breathing...God this is incredibly hard. You know I'm usually willing. I'm usually ready to seize the opportunity and show anyone that loves exists. I know that I can't keep them all around. I knew from the start that I'd have to walk in and out of so many lives. But it hurts so bad.

I am only human. But for some reason You let me have such an huge heart, and such a large purpose for being here that I can't wrap my head around it sometimes. You must love me though, because I'm a sinner in saints clothing. As terrible as some of the people you have put in my path think they are, I always want to look them in the eyes and tell them they are saints in comparison to me. Humble? No. You've seen every wrong I've done. More than I'd want to admit to anyone. Even to myself sometimes. Recently, I've been terrible. I know God, and I'm sorry. I keep asking for forgiveness for the same things. But despite the fact I feel unforgivable most of the time, You forgive anyways.

Please just tell me that giving up my life for all of this didn't exclude me from having one person eventually to be my constant. I've watched so much love walk in and out of my life that at this point I'm growing more and more certain that I wasn't meant to stay in one life forever. Maybe it's Your way of trying to tell me that You're always going to be the most constant one I have. God, I'm stubborn. And I'm starting to see that here. But can't the girl who's out to prove love exists find love of her own? I had it once. You let me have it. And I let it go.

But doesn't everyone get a second chance...?

And about her, God...

You know all I want is for her to be happy. I just am not sure if she knows that. There's days I know she isn't, and days I know she's telling the truth. Well God, the worst truth I've ever learned in my life is that sometimes when you truly love someone, you let them go. I can let her go. I can, just not in my head. Because she's always there. I'm always worrying, or wondering, or thinking. I wish she knew that. I wish she knew that I would give up everything I've ever worked for just to have one day with her. But I can't let her know that. I know that's not what's supposed to happen. God, she's also my best friend though. And I hope she does know that. I thought nobody would ever understand the way my head works, even remotely. Somehow she does. I think that's a miracle in it's truest sense.

I need answers. But I know that as much as I don't think I can keep doing this, I always will. It's what I was made for. I was fashioned for a life different than most. I asked for it. I received it. And I'm happy with it. I'm just struggling. Can You please help me out here God? I just need a little guidance this time.

Love,

Your Daughter

Taking Pride

Time to take a moment and be proud of something

for a change.

Proud to look back and realize

that for nineteen unusually long years

I have fought monsters

(largely unaided)

that would make grown men cry

and shudder where they stand.

My head may be dark and

every day may be a fight

but I am very much alive.

Each morning

when I open my eyes, and

am still fighting

I should be proud.

God knows that its tough

trying to explain the way

mental illness overcomes a life.

Nearly impossible to describe

how my emotions, sometimes,

aren't even my own.

How they cloud my vision and

how sometimes I don't even remember

being sad.

It's terrible to try and tell

why anyone would hurt themselves

unknowingly, in their sleep.

There's secrets I keep from people.

But I keep smiling.

I am strong

and I've made it 19 long years.

I'm hoping to make it many more.

And I'm proud.

More Hopeful Than the Last

Can we go back to those days

before the blues and the grays

when both of us had somebody

and had something to say?

Now the silence is killing

and everything that we're willing

is that tragedy can

take us away.

But we weren't meant for wires

and we can't reach the stars.

We thought maybe we missed em.

Turns out they're not ours.

They're everybody's wonders.

We're safe in the hands

that are spinning the axes of

these valleys and sands.

You were born with a beauty

and light we can see.

Trust me, everyone sees it.

It's really not just me.

All the poets and writers,

the musicians and whores,

All the lovers and teachers,

the soldiers, the wars,

and the kids here and street bound

are looking above

just praying and wishing

and hoping for love.

We live over our heads

just searching for a light.

Our lives were made for loving.

It's an undending fight.

But it's one that's worth fighting.

I'll always have your back.

There's a piece of me missing

but you have what I lack.

So together we're whole

and we can walk the world.

You, as a light ahead

and I'm still just a little girl.

But one day I'll get the courage

to reach just as far as you.

Love is gonna win this war.

Trust me,

it's what I do.

The silence is killing me.

Life taught me how to die

and I'm doing it every day.

Each time I love, I give away

a piece of my life.

Each breathe I lose a moment

Now I'm losing you.

They used to be around to tell me I'll be okay.

Now I'm trying to reassure myself.

In my mind, I'm curled up in a corner.

I'm alone.

There is no one that can take this

and burn it away.

So it's burning me.

Brother, when they find me

in a pile of ashes,

well...

know it wasn't your fault.

There was no one around

to put out the fire.

They didn't even know.

They couldn't have.

I'm blaming this all on me.

I brought down

my own world.

Independent Uncertainty

Today's one of those days, I suppose.

My words are lost again in your eyes.

I'm spiraling down inside them.

If anything, I am falling.

If you love me, you will catch me.

I've been standing on the edge

of some unknown adventure.

The anticipation kills.

I'm ready to dive in.

My life's too fast to run from.

You still don't know the half.

Pray that you won't run away from it.

Stay beside me, and listen to my reasons.

Love me for who I am.

Dismiss my past.

Just please tell me I am more

than the sum of my mistakes.

Junction

Give it a while.

They world whispers around me.

The thoughts whisper inside us...

"This is the moment we've been wishing."

I can jump this, if you let me.

Fall straight into this

as fast as I can.

Trust, you manic friend,

catch me while I'm falling.

Prove to me that hands are more

than just hands.

And that three words

are more than just words.

The sky is alight with stars

like it was when I was a child.

If I wish on them, can you answer?

Are you the answer to it all?

I used to wish for a hero.

I used to write about a boy.

I never knew who he was.

Let's find out where we're going.

Please, tell me I'm not dreaming.

Don't make me promises but

assure me this is real.

For Once, I'm Excited to Be Scared

My head is going over anything and everything

that would tell me not to trust you...

But I do.

Because you haven't given me a reason not to.

See, in the past the world

has beaten down on me

and roughed me up

pretty damn good.

I want to warn you.

I want to tell you to turn away and run

while you still don't feel anything

close to what you could for me.

I'm not as good as

I come off.

I'm not as nice to be around.

Not as smart.

Not nearly everything that

I appear to be.

My past has monsters

and

I lose my head far too easy.

I want to tell you to go.

I want to tell you that you don't want to

get to know who I really am.

But I can't.

I just can't do that.

Talking to you is easier than anything

that I've been through, as of recent.

So if I tell you

that I'm going to be bad for you

look me in the eye,

tell me I'm wrong,

and please...

don't go away.

I Can't Say It

Perfectly honest,

I am sure of very little

nowadays.

The only thing I am sure of tonight...

The way your eyes tell stories

The strength behind your words

The way I feel...

Odd, that's usually not

what I'm sure of.

Not ever.

But everything about this screams out

a different story than any I have been in.

Maybe, just maybe

you can answer my questions

and be the ending

to my words.

You think so?

Waiting Again

There's a drastic gap between

knowing there's nothing left for you here

and wanting to leave.

I know there's nothing left for me.

I don't want to leave.

There's too much ahead.

Too many could-be's and what-ifs.

I'm heading into the unknown.

Maybe there will be something for me there.

Okay, yeah,

I know there will be.

I just wish I knew what

and with who

and how

and when

it'll all come hurling at me

so I can be ready.

But I guess we never can be.

We just have to take it in

moment by moment.

These Eyes Don't Shine Half As Bright.

The melodic intervals you write with your eyes

are far deeper than any I've ever played out

with my fingers.

The world's done to you far more than

it's done to me.

I think I know why.

Because even though we stand in the same place,

and you're looking out on the same view I am,

you have been far braver.

While I stand silent and miniscule,

you shout to the world who you are.

You are far more sure and far stronger

than I have ever been

and could ever be

for now.

And since you can speak out

the world's yelled back.

Sorry really doesn't cover the pain it's dealt but

I have to say, I'm sorry.

You're doing what everyone in our place

is always afraid to do.

And you're standing up for all of us.

It's not fair to you.

I'll make it up.

I promise.

This Is Why I Won't Say It

Give me one good reason why

I'm telling myself no.

You can't see the way I look at you.

I'll never let it show.

We play an act of hate for fun.

Couldn't hate you if I tried.

I've told you I could never love you

but won't tell you that I lied.

I'll keep the secret safe with me.

I'll never let you near.

I dance with fire and sheer desire

and burn you out of fear.

The one day far from where we're at

that I slip up with my eyes

I'm sure you'll smile you're knowing look

cause you've seen past my lies.

You'll say the words I often hear.

You're sorry but you can't see

the things that I see inside you

reflected back in me.

Moving On

Good grief.

It's moments like these

when I look back and think

"What the hell was I thinking?"

The world is such a deeply moving

and beautiful place.

How could I let it move my words

to darker places?

We write because we feel.

I wrote those feelings away,

I suppose.

Oh well.

What's past is past.

And each word is only just a reminder

that I'm continuing to turn over

new chapters

with every line.

Frustration

I. Actually. Understand.

It wasn't just angsty teenage bullshit.

It wasn't a stupid feeling stirred up

by lack of pills or sanity.

I had a real and deep feeling.

The tears and the anger all stemmed

from one simple truth

and that was this:

That I was simply and incredibly

frustrated.

I was frustrated

at not being able to express

such deeply moving feelings

in words.

Oh wow.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

I'd rather be the volunteer.

You know, the one sitting on the other end of the screen

typing out the words that will intervene

and save a life.

What a sad desire to think about.

Why? Well simply put

I'm usually on the other end of

such a deeply feeling spectrum.

For all the times I try to help

I ask for it ten-fold.

I've been the one begging

for a scrap of hope to hang onto.

And although I want so bad

to be able to reach out and pull people

back onto the tides of sanity

I still haven't learned how to swim well.

I doubt they'd let me try.

My head's just not there yet.

Yeah...

I've let all this consume and shape my beliefs in myself.

What have I become?

I am both the victim

and the offender.

Pick me up again.

I need it.

A Fragile Attempt At Feeling

Okay. This isn't gonna be a poem. I need to write down exactly how this feels without fancy words so I can remember it's probably not real. I only feel like this sometimes. And I don't know if I'm just being a stupid emotional girl or if it's my meds not working, but either way I have to get it to go away. Honestly I'd rather be numb. I'd rather feel anything but this. It hurts but at the same time its just emotional debilitation. I have no reason to care about anything because everything feels hopeless. I feel like a bad person. I feel unlovable. I feel unimportant. Who the hell ever said I was important anyways? What would make me so special? I always expect someone to save me like it's some fucking fairy tale and every time I get let down. I fall harder than before, and I hurt worse, and I remember this is actually reality. Every time I get hurt I scream on the inside, and smile on the outside. But if you asked me to smile tonight I couldn't because it would be the most fake thing in the world. And it would hurt. I hurt so bad I can't think straight. It's never actually come outside of me. I've never cried my hurt out. I can feel my eyes tearing up right now, but I won't cry. I can't do it. I don't know why. Maybe this isn't even all the hurt. Maybe I've tried so hard to be numb, but it's so painful, that I'm numb to half of it and don't even know it. And if I tried to feel everything all at once I'd break into so many pieces my heart would stop. This all sounds so trivial though. I can't even express how I feel without it sounding like a bunch of angsty teenage bullshit. Maybe that's all its come to at this point. A bunch of bullshit. And who the fuck would wanna care about that? Maybe that's why I don't get saved. I'm not as important as I'd like to think. To anyone. And I am entirely unlovable. Who in their right mind would want to take care of something this broken and ugly?

I wouldn't.

Blunt Enough

There's no reason for this to come on so suddenly.

I'm always so ellusive, but right now I'll try not to be.

I needed my medication bad tonight.

As blunt as I've ever been, it almost feels

wrong....

But I need to let it out.

I need to tell anyone who will hear me

and no one at the same time.

I feel completely unlovable.

And who could love someone

so completely broken inside?

Maybe that's why I was meant to be

forever alone in my head

like I've always been.

Each time it happens I think

"What would happen if it all just ended

in one swift motion?"

But no, I can't think like that.

I won't. I swear. It's not me.

But at the same time....it is.

It's why everyone leaves because

they all look me in the eye and say

"Sorry. I don't know how to help you."

So, on nights like tonight,

I am left here alone

secluding myself from the world

because I know nobody wants to deal

with me.

I don't even want to deal with me.

I want to be numb.

LETTER!

Dear blogspot,

the hell of all blogging sites

which for some reason I just happened

to pick to write on...

Why the hell are you

putting

AW K WAR DD

SP

A CES

at the beginnings

of all

my goddamn

poems?

Please give me an answer.

Thanks bunches.

You're sorta friend, but not really,

only cause all my writings on here....

....Kaya.

Prove Me Right, I Dare You

Confirm my thoughts, please.

Tell me that I'm just a silly girl

for thinking there's anything here for me.

That you, of all people, would have any place

in your world

for a head like this one.

Tell me my words aren't as bold

and strong

and colorful as I think they are

and that they do far less magic

than I hoped.

Scream at me that I am just

a headstrong idealist

who will one day spiral

downward

until reality finds me flat on my face.

Unless, of course,

you think otherwise

and can prove me right.

Where I Live

Reality seems like an awfully tough place to live.

There's always love, yeah, there's that.

But it couples with violence and hurt.

The attrition of the world is starkly vibrant there

compared to where I live

in the back of my mind.

There's an imagination inside me.

Could be argued it's clouding my view

but I'd like to admit

it's coloring it, rather.

My world is alive in the most

beautiful shades of joy.

And sure the realists may tell me

you can't always live in your own

imagined ideals.

But why live in reality

if I don't have to?

I like it here.

Tell Me First, For My Heart

I want you to tell me first.

I want you to confirm the same thing I'm dying to say.

But I can't say it before you

because my heart's too tired.

I've reached that point where I want to

fall into someones arms

and cry

and follow it all up with love and smiles.

It's been all too much lately.

And without you I would've been so lost.

You don't even know how much

you've held me together.

I'm not holding back the feelings.

But because I'm so afraid

of everything shattering to pieces

like it always has

I want you to say it first.

So I can know its true

and not just some silly dream in the head

of a girl who's not quite ready

to face adulthood.

My heart's been through too much to speak up yet.

Speak up for me

and lift the doubts I have

that I could be loved by anyone ever again.

Prove me wrong.

Say the words.

How It All Works

The hours count to midnight while I'm staring at the stars.

Everything in between us is just miles, and homes, and cars.

I can't keep sitting here waiting while you find out who you are...

If you trust me, then together, you won't find it out alone.

You can find out who you are in safety. Your heart can have a home.

You're so afraid of being hurting you're trying on your own...

But life's a journey built for two. It's always been that way.

When you fall down, I'll help you through. I hope you'll do the same.

And when we fail, its just a lesson. No one is to blame...

Let's please take a chance and do this one right.

I know my heart's not ready for another fight.

C'mon and grab my hand here. We can be eachother's light...

So Many Questions

Back in the days of make believe and playgrounds

I smiled because the sun was shining

and I was inevitably alive.

Now I smile just to see the faces of others

light up like a lamp in the night.

I smile because its the polite thing to do.

And sometimes I still smile

out of the pure joy of a beautiful life.

When you're around, my face lights up.

Otherwise now though, you're losing me.

A while back, when it first started,

I regarded you as an axis to my world.

But it spun to fast, and while you kept going

I was falling off.

Each misstep I point out

you apologize away.

I've been forgiving you over and over.

We fight, I hurt, you hurt, and then you apologize.

The feelings have been recycled by now.

I want to believe that the beauty inside you

can permanently be painted onto your life.

I want to trust that you'll pull yourself together

and start acting like the gentleman you can be.

But your world is so unstable.

My mind is unstable too.

I can't have my world that way. I need stability

or I will break.

You know I will. You've seen it.

I have two options. I can jump ship and swim

far away. Forget this ever happened.

Or I can stay in this cycle or sickness

waiting for small moments of joy.

You have all the options in the world in your hands.

You have a fragile and beautiful young girl

that needs you to take care sometimes

to care.

You can blink and change everything.

But you haven't...not yet.

What are you going to do

if you really, truly love her?

Beautiful Minds

We're a simply complex, yet beautiful people.

Some of us, like me, were born with

beautiful minds.

While others, like him, have acquired them

after enduring the toughest times.

Minds so delicate and fragile

that with the slightest touch or word

the whole world can shatter into pieces

or blaze with glory.

Sometimes, there is no explanation

other than that we were born

with our wires crossed just a little bit different.

Other times the explosion is set off

by a trigger, a suggestion,

something so small it wouldn't even

move an ant.

But it moves us.

We feel sometimes so deeply that

it seems to touch our very soul.

Other times the feelings

are like small pieces of hail

bouncing off our concrete insides

and barely leaving a mark.

We were brought here for a reason.

Sometimes to teach

Sometimes to listen

Sometimes to learn

But we're not terrible people.

They can label us whatever they want.

They can give us the pills, and we will take them.

That's not a bad thing but

when you look at us and label us

with negativity and disrespect

you are missing an integral part of the world.

We are not stupid or crazy or creepy.

We are human beings born

with delicately beautiful minds

that sometimes work differently than

the way the world expects.

And that's okay.

Embraces of the Heart

Even at the end of those days

when the rain seems as if

it pelted down in sheets, right in your face,

and just to mock you,

you remain a light in my mind

and a joy in my heart

for your loving.

My head lies down on my pillow and

before I close my eyes, every night,

I ask God, "Please, bless him.

Let him know he is more

than he's ever realized he can be.

And let him be happy."

Yeah, I think that would be

my most heartfelt wish.

One day you would, maybe,

lie your head down on your pillow

with the same uncensored joy

that I feel in the deepest moments.

Always, you are,

my light and my comfort

on those dark and endless evenings

as I reminisce the moments

where you've embraced me,

not only with your arms but

with your love.

We Can Call Love Our Own Now

I was so afraid this story wouldn't have a happy ending.

A life not worth anything but moving and pretending.

Pick me up again, like you did when we met.

Eyes wide, hearts close, and me in your arms.

When I told you I felt safe, and couldn't face harm

every time that you hold me, well,

it wasn't a lie.

You're the reason tears of joy could fall from my eye.

And each night I lie awake dreaming

wondering why you chose me.

You could've captivated any girl that you see.

I was broken and fragile, and a little bit lost.

But somehow you decided my love was worth the cost.

And if I were to write out this story

of the life I have lived

it would tell of a love overwhelming

that never fails to give.

I was lost and uncertain, facing years in the night

but you whispered to me so surely

that we'd both be alright.

Love was a word I'd once dreamed up

for the higher up stars.

But now its the core of my being.

And we can call it ours.

You're the Stars That Light My Sky

Starlit streets and window panes
Converse on a sidewalk plane
Rainy streets and misty eyes
Moments take me by surprise

And I think you know I love
It was whispered from above
Let it linger while you rest
Form your smile. It's the best.

How many ways can you arrange
Three little words
One tiny joy
Silly girl and searching boy
And talk of how its so cliche
All the kisses in the rain
But still you kissed her anyways
I will love you all my days

Smiling eyes and hands held tight
Whispered promises at night
Lets loose track of time again
Watch the starry night ascend

How many ways can you arrange
Three little words
One tiny joy
Silly girl and searching boy
And talk of how its so cliche
All the kisses in the rain
But still you kissed her anyways
I will love you all my days

And I will love you for forever
Until the stars fall from the sky
And even then I'll be so clever
to catch then all before they die.
You are the stars that light my sky...

How many ways can I arrange
Three little words
One tiny joy
Silly girl and searching boy
And talks of how its so cliche
All the kisses in the rain
But still you kissed me anyways
I will love you all my days.

Yeah, I will love you all my days.

Things I Learned From Love

There's some things that are always hard to admit.
Feelings we hide and things we regret
But there's one thing I couldn't readily say
till the feeling had been locked up, thrown away,
and I loved you.
Before you walked into my life
I would look in the mirror with a frown on my face
wishing I could be anything but who I was
and be anywhere else except in this place.
I was struggling to find any glimpse of hope
that my future would love me more than the past.
But I was so weary and easily broken
and I'd been deciding that nothing could last.
Yeah it hurts to admit it, but this silly girl
would look at herself, then around at the world
and decided that it was more beautiful than she.
Everything in the world could be more beautiful than me.
So she burnt and she broke and she cut down a life
that could so and too often have been easily saved.
Because she tried and tried to help everyone else
but she never recieved any of the love that she gave.
Yeah that girl laid there broken, staring at the sky,
asking please if God could just let her cry.
Let her break into pieces instead of trying to be strong.
This was not the right story, this was not the right song.
And the tears fall down as she remembers, all along
she was lying to herself.
Yeah she'd been misguided to the fact she was worth nothing else
than a scar and a memory and a tear in the night.
And with no one to hold her, she thought she was right.
But the world turns wonders when we need it most.
You walked right in and held her, and loved here, and said
that she was more beautiful than the thoughts in her head.
You swore she was worth it and looked her in the eyes
and her heart let you in as she tried to realize
that you loved every part of her just as she was.
Not out of spite or ambition, but simply out of love.
She was frightened and breaking till the day you arrived.
But you held her so tightly, and thank God.
She survived.
She would have laughed if the world
would have told her one day
that a boy would walk in
and sweep her away.
But you proved to her that beauty
is more than we see.
You showed a girl she was lovable
and that girl
was me.

Letter to A Boy

I was a delinquent with the pen.
My words were graffiti on each page
pouring out the heart of every piece of evil.
I skipped town in my mind and
abandoned each piece of my heart.
Or maybe, I guess I didn't.
I think I found a little piece, and who knew
a heart can grow back together?
When I was little I wrote to
a man I'd one day meet.
And I told him I'd love him forever
even though we'd never met.
Pouring my heart out over pages,
I dreamed he'd sweep me off my feet.
You swept me off my feet,
coming in like a hurricane of color
that painted all the pieces of my gray world.
One smile can bring me to my knees
even if I don't show it.
Each night my hands rest on the keys
and I try so hard to write a song for you.
But your life is more beautiful to me
than any melody.
It's not something we can put into words.
Love is stronger than a song.
All I know is that I love, and I'll love you forever.
This heart here, however broken once,
has always bent at the seams with love.
I love too much. I love too strongly.
I've loved too little...
But now, now it's all going to be okay.
The sun rises and sets with each new day
and I have a heart to call my own.
I have a hand that I can hold.
I have love that will never go...
You are that star I stared at from my window
wishing you would find me, promising I would wait,
even if it took forever.
My heart has always belonged to you
I just didn't know the name to the face.
But you walked right in
just as I was stumbling
and you caught me effortlessly before I fell.
Charmed by love, I am swept away now.
Keep me floating on this dream.
I am living in my freedom.
The freedom that I longed for was never to be given
but it was inside me
only to be unlocked
the moment I found you.
Love.

A Thought For You

"There is no future. There is no past. Thank God this moment's not our last. There's only us. There's only this. Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other road. No other way. No day but today. There's only now. There's only here. Give into love, or live in fear. No other path. No other way. No day but today..." -Rent

There's a million words I want to say
brimming the edge of my mind.
I love you.
I will keep on loving you.
And I will never ever hurt you.
We've been so far in life, separately.
Our hearts grew in so many different ways
but we're not so different.
Not at all.
And at the times when you're nervous
I can see it in your eyes.
Just a small, fleeting glance of it
And I want to tell you
everything will be alright.
I can forgive. I always can just...
try not to break this heart. Mkay?
It's been broken so many times.
One more break might crush it forever.
I can't handle that.
But I can handle you.
I can handle your past because
it's not. who. you. are.
Don't forget that, okay?
You're stronger because of it.
And sometimes, you talk
so poorly of yourself
that I just want to hug you
and look you in the eyes
and say "You're the greatest thing
that's ever happened to my life.
And I am sure with all my heart
that you're amazing."
Yeah, and one day too
you will see it yourself.
You will believe that.
It's true.
But until then I promise
I have every intention
to love you on your bad days and good days
through anger, and sadness, and love,
and to keep growing and falling
faster and faster
while we build a near future
together.

It's This Story

The way I see it is simply this...

You're a heart, and I'm a heart.

Two lights, alone, both in the dark.

We all are. Everyone alive.

Just shining and searching to survives.

We're never meant to be alone.

We're constantly searching for a home.

But we stumble along until we can see

as sign that something was meant to be.

Someone who matches all we are.

Not just a light, but more a start.

You're like that light within my eyes.

Each moment I continue to realize

that I've been looking for you all along.

You're the melody I hear in each song.

Maybe you see it too: That unmistakable line

that can bond us together through the passings of time.

We've been wandering around with nowhere to go

but now that I've found you

I think

that I know.

Those Poor Writing People...

It's the poor curse of the writers
to slave away at a desk
with nothing but blank white
when they need words the most.
Pacing around rooms
Checking the time constantly
or forgetting time completely.
Not remembering to eat
or to remember anything.
Losing contact with reality.
Sometimes running around
in a flurry of thought
and running into
everyone else.
Sometimes we come off as
offensive, or strange, or even
a little bit...slow.
We stress and worry,
breaking pencils, and keyboard, and minds.
Cursing under our breath and sometimes too,
in our writing.
Letting out the happy times along with
the anger and the sadness.
But I think it's okay.
I think God forgives all writers because
we're crazy.

Remember This...

Remember this.
Remember...
This deepening feeling of anxiety.
Because it isn't real.
It's NOT. REAL.
It's just a fixitive onto your imagination.
Some sickly manifesto
because your brain doesn't work
the way its supposed to.
See this is why I can't talk about it.
Why I can't explain to anybody
what it feels like to lose your mind
momentarily,
and know its not real.
Because they wouldn't understand.
They just stare and stare and think
"Damn it, you're crazy."
Fuck it if I am. I'm screwed up. I know it.
But I'm alive, aren't I?
I still have feelings, however unreal they are.
I still know what its like
to love and hurt and live and laugh.
Remember this feeling.
The one that's penetrating your heart.
The one you can feel in your gut
and in the ache right beneath
your eyes.
Because it isn't real.
No, it never was
and never will be
and it'll go away soon enough.

I Can See It

Wisdom lies in the eyes of the beholder.
I'm beholding your words like they could build up worlds.
I could listen to the songs like life depended on them.
But no matter how long I let them sink in
they could never tell me more
than one glance from you.
There's more inside you than you know is real.
Each movement you make, each time you feel
you gain one more sparkle
that shows when you smile.
The corners of your eyes crinkle up and glisten.
You know half the world that we don't know exists.
Give me just a few moments of words,
I will listen.
Lend me a moment of time and
I will lend you my ear.

Words of Wishing

My fingers are itching to spill everything out.
Every thought, feeling, word, wisdom, laugh, love...
I want to tell
All
Of
It.
To myself, to you
To anyone...
Hold onto me please.
Pick me up and change everything I thought I knew.
I'm afraid, but what for?
Everything I've ever been afraid of,
every single fear
is illegitimate.
They're all from my mind.
They're all for my head.
I'm only afraid of myself.
How silly it seems now.
How insignificant.
But how monstrous to me
on those dark nights
alone, and the world unknowing.
You're here when I'm smiling.
All you've seen is my daylight.
But those stormy nights
when my vision is clouded
and my mind takes over...
...that's what I'm afraid of.
I'm afraid you won't like
what you see.
You won't understand
what I see.
You won't want to stay.
You'll leave.
Maybe I'm jumping ahead too fast.
Tell me I'm just assuming
and that assumptions
insult you.
Tell me I'm wrong.
That you're offended I'd ever think
you'd leave for something
so silly.
Tell me I'm not just silly
and falling too fast,
but that you too
can see that connection.
That you understand my fears
and you'd rather hold me than leave.
Reassure me.
Tell me everything.
I need too much.
I don't want to need.
But I want to hear you
speak.

Anticipation Couples Fear

Help me take chances.
We're going down a road I
may be afraid of...
I believe in you.
What about yourself?
You can't see past your mirror
to your reflection in my eyes.
So long the worlds been shades of grey.
So long I have been turning on my own
and turning into the darker roads.
Let me feel again, but with you.
Pull me close and keep me safe.
Get to me.
Break down all of these walls
and pull me by the collar
out of the self-established prison.
Look me in the eye and tell me
that I can do better for myself.
Look me square in the face
and tell me you aren't leaving.
The summer was colder
than any before it.
I never have told you.
I never want to tell you.
But time unfolds all honesty.
You claim you'll still see that fire.
Still like what you see
even if I keep unfolding.
But once it gets down to the beginning
and there's nothing left to reveal
where will you be?
Will you be standing here
right next to my side?
Or running in the opposite direction?
I need to know.
My head is spinning.
I think I'm falling again and
I just want to know
if you'll catch me.

We Stand On the Edge of Something

It's all coming in a moment.
Somethings gonna find us all, in a heartbeat.
It's like I'm standing on the edge of something
I can't comprehend.
And at any given moment
I'm going to be pushed off the edge.
Hurled towards something greater
But right now I don't know what.
The stars are all getting brighter
and I've learned to see the sun.
Even through these cloudy days
I'm walking with my chin up
Shoulders back, I own my world
I took back whats mine. Living just for love
You taught me to lose it
and life taught me to live.
I've spent all of my moments just
trying to give.
Push me off the edge of this
I can feel my toes already slipping
My hearts beating with anticipation
Say the words and I will jump
into the unknown greatness of which
I stand on the edge.
Will we ever know what it is?
I want to find out.
I want to fall a hundred miles an hour
into the vast unknown
and live.

Inquisition

Scrutinizing over every detailed note and melodic interval
Listening as though the world were ending
for some deeper meaning
Some hidden message we haven't found yet
that probably isn't there.
And I don't know why.
Probably because its so late in the night
The dark crept inside
of my head, and settled in
but I ignored it and went ahead listening.
Music fills up my ears
All of it, every part, and I continue
vexing over it like it
will answer all of my questions
Explain life to me.
Maybe, in time, all the answers will come
But not from it. No.
It may only help me realize
that all along
the notes only brought out what
I had never realized what was inside me.
I can answer my own questions.
I am very much alive.

Looking On In

They all look on with big eyes.
He holds here hand.
They don't realize
she's not really there. She'd rather be
anywhere else.
But they don't see.
It seems she's given up for now
on the vows and rings.
And she doesn't sing.
Not like she used to before she caved in.
Gave up to her feelings
Let him steal her heart.
She had a fear overwhelming
the back of her mind.
Fear that she might never find
that well built groom in the black, clean suit.
So she'll hold her smile
plastered across her jaw.
She'll hide every glimpse of truth
and every flaw.
Let them run with the notion
that they're perfect forever
while she sits there just waiting
for the bind
to sever.