A Fragile Attempt At Feeling

Okay. This isn't gonna be a poem. I need to write down exactly how this feels without fancy words so I can remember it's probably not real. I only feel like this sometimes. And I don't know if I'm just being a stupid emotional girl or if it's my meds not working, but either way I have to get it to go away. Honestly I'd rather be numb. I'd rather feel anything but this. It hurts but at the same time its just emotional debilitation. I have no reason to care about anything because everything feels hopeless. I feel like a bad person. I feel unlovable. I feel unimportant. Who the hell ever said I was important anyways? What would make me so special? I always expect someone to save me like it's some fucking fairy tale and every time I get let down. I fall harder than before, and I hurt worse, and I remember this is actually reality. Every time I get hurt I scream on the inside, and smile on the outside. But if you asked me to smile tonight I couldn't because it would be the most fake thing in the world. And it would hurt. I hurt so bad I can't think straight. It's never actually come outside of me. I've never cried my hurt out. I can feel my eyes tearing up right now, but I won't cry. I can't do it. I don't know why. Maybe this isn't even all the hurt. Maybe I've tried so hard to be numb, but it's so painful, that I'm numb to half of it and don't even know it. And if I tried to feel everything all at once I'd break into so many pieces my heart would stop. This all sounds so trivial though. I can't even express how I feel without it sounding like a bunch of angsty teenage bullshit. Maybe that's all its come to at this point. A bunch of bullshit. And who the fuck would wanna care about that? Maybe that's why I don't get saved. I'm not as important as I'd like to think. To anyone. And I am entirely unlovable. Who in their right mind would want to take care of something this broken and ugly?

I wouldn't.