Alternate Endings

"Beautifully tragic".
I fucking hate that phrase.
There's nothing beautiful about this mess.
There's nothing graceful about drowning.
Nothing okay about being locked in.
My mouth cant seem to form the words...
I get so fucking elusive.
If I could manage the sounds to tell you
everything inside of me
you would cry.
I can't look you in the eyes.
I can't talk.
I can barely move.
Did you notice?
The subtle loss of my grip on your hand.
Too weak to grasp any harder.
I don't want to let go.
Only cowards and fools and liars let go.
But he let go...and he was brave.
I'm not brave either.
There's no excuse good enough.
I just want you to know
that I am still in here.
That I still love you.
But I am far too weak to fight my way out right now.
I let the ghost take over.
It's eating at my from the inside out.
You don't need to carry that on your shoulders.
You already carry too much.
You can put me down if you need.
I am a thief, a criminal, a robber of compassion.
I keep taking and taking and talking and
eventually they all give up.
You are all reaching so abruptly.
You all know the alternate ending.
I never promised you anything but
I'm trying...sort of.
I'm tired of trying.
Eventually, you'll all stop reaching out.
You'll be angry, annoyed, and finished
trying to get to someone
who can't even find themselves.
I told you I was elusive.
I told you I was heading down.
I didn't tell you that I knew how easily
the alternate ending to this could go.
It's like an equation but
what it adds up to
is you broken, bleeding from the inside
and probably searching
for the same way out as me.
I could never do that to you...
right?...